I feel lost again, so very lost about everything now. My eyes are swollen from all that crying and my body feels so weak with all that shivering. I thought I can handle this well but at this point in time, I feel so confused and so disoriented.

I was talking to my boyfriend last night and I realized how much I can’t handle the distance anymore. Distance is killing us. It makes me feel as if he’s just someone I talk to on a daily basis cause I’m used to it, not cause he’s my boyfriend. We were talking about our somewhat immediate future since he has to go Germany next Spring for 5 months to study abroad and the year after that I’ll be going to Hong Kong for a year. I told him I don’t think I can do that anymore. Holding on to nothing for the past year and half has been so tough on me and I don’t think I can hold on for that long next time.

I know it’s stupid to think that way cause it’s the future after all, so why am I deciding it now? I’m not deciding..I’m just lost as to what I should do. These days, it doesn’t even feel like we’re in a relationship anymore. Both of us are so caught up with school work and although we do talk everyday, we’ll just ask each other how was our day etc. The only things I’m holding on to are memories. Mere memories of how we used to be. I know I can’t blame anyone for what is happening now cause it’s not any of our fault that it’s hard to create new memories when you are so far away from each other.

Sigh. what shall I do?

(sorry to disturb this sad emo post with this stupid thing I’m gonna say later) So yesterday, I was crying very badly after talking to barry and at the same time, I needed to go pee too wtf. So I made myself cry harder by thinking of other sad things so that I don’t have to go pee since I cry all that fluid out already wtf.

Those other things I was upset about was how I feel so lost doing what I’m doing now. Why am I here at the other side of the world? Is liberal arts really good? Will I find a job next time? Isn’t it the same if I study in a local uni and find a job next time? Will it really make a difference at all? Sometimes I regret coming here so much. I know how much people want to go overseas to study but trust me, I’m not one of them. I was always the person who is content enough in the familiarity of her own home, so why did I think I’ll be happy here?

Sometimes, I’m not happy at all. I don’t get along with the whites cause of the cultural differences, I don’t get along with the mainland Chinese people cause I don’t speak Chinese as well, I’m just..a Malaysian you know? And I just really want to go back home.

But I still tell myself everyday that I shall hold on. I’ll hold on to my relationship because I know it’s worth holding on. I’ll hold on to my education cause I’m already halfway there (almost) and it’s too expensive to not hold on.

Just that now, I feel really really lost. Distance sucks sooooosososoosososossoso much why can’t we just go back to Msia and study there!!!! I don’t care how useless the education system is anymore I just really want to go back to where I belong. It’s like I’m facing ten thousands and one paths and the only path I want to take is the one where I came from.

I’m tired of being strong any more. I’m not I know deep inside I’m not. I’m just a weak little girl who wants the people she loves to be around her always. I’m just that girl who wants to hold on to her mummy’s hand, drawing stick figures in her own home, playing in her own backyard. Is that too much to ask for? I don’t need to be the world’s best lawyer or doctor or earn millions next time. I don’t need to travel around or buy nice clothes.

I just want to be happy. And for me, happiness comes in the form of people you love. How cliched. I feel so pathetic about all this, that’s why I’m making it into a pswrd protected post. Please don’t spread the pswrd around, will you?

(i dont know why there’s no comment box so if you want you can leave me an email la ok, expectationx gmail com)

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1. Protected: :(