this post is password-protected cause i don’t know if my friend will be comfortable with me talking about him so publicly. knowing him, he probably doesn’t care since he doesn’t read my blog anyway, but i don’t want it to be THAT public, that’s why the password is readily available.

anyway you all remember my friend who just lost his mother in an accident right? well, his dad is still in hospital and i just visited yesterday. i came back from the hospital with all sorts of emotions flowing in and out of me and i thought i should just write it out.

i went in the hospital room with a very heavy heart and when i saw his dad, i was..shocked. cause this wasn’t the same uncle who greeted me with a joyful face last time. in fact, i didn’t even recognize him anymore. he was probably half his usual size and looked much older. granted, last i saw him was actually in form 5 but..i really couldn’t recognize him at all.

i was very angry at this actually. how could i not recognize someone i’ve met so many times?? my friend wasn’t in the room at that time and i was so nervous to meet him, cause i know i’d just break down right there and then if i see him.

he finally came and we hugged. it was one of the most painful hugs ever. i was already choking in my tears because he looked so different. much much much thinner, and so..frazzled. i stopped myself from crying cause if i break down, i don’t think he can be strong too.

i told him that he lost a lot of weight and so did his dad. he said his dad was already quite thin before the accident and that a lot has happened to him after form 5 (the last time i saw him). he then told me everything his dad and family went through after form 5 and before the accident which i had NO idea of at all.

i felt like a complete shit that time. this was my best friend in high school and we’ve been through so much together and yet i didn’t even know all this was happening in his family? where was i? i know people drift apart but i couldn’t believe that i didn’t take some time off to actually listen and talk to him before this.

it sucks that it takes such a bad tragedy to happen before you realize that you actually haven’t been a good enough friend all this while. that the happy friend you knew wasn’t really all that happy inside for a long time.

i really failed as a friend.

i don’t know how to deal with someone who just lost the most important person in his life but i’ll do whatever it takes. i just don’t know if i have the strength to. yesterday when we were talking, he was already back to his normal jokey self but i could see how painful his smiles were, and how he struggled to laugh when around us but that he really felt like shit inside.

i’ve already tried googling everything i can find on how to deal with a grieving friend. everything seems so..easy to do. be there for your friend, don’t tell him time will heal everything, do listen to him etc but i don’t think things are going to be that easy.

i’m going to be there with him the whole of today. i just really hope i have the strength to stay as strong as he is. god pls. pls don’t ever let me break down.

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