(brought to you by Barry)
SUET 101: INTRODUCTION TO DATING A SUET
Syllabus for Dec 2004 – Possibly the Rest of Your Life
BRIEF DESCRIPTION: This is the only required full-credit course in the Relationship department you will ever need to take. Work is ungraded, but a pass is necessary in order to graduate. The course covers myriad areas, which will develop the student’s multidisciplinary approach to life. A low pass will ensure a swift kick to the kneecaps, while an F will lead to a lifetime of crying in dark corners, wondering where it all went wrong. This is your life.
INSTRUCTOR: Mistress Liew Suet Li, Dmntrx
PREREQUISITES: Wit, sarcasm, excellent command of English, good looks. The former prerequisite of being Malay no longer applies this semester. Patience, although not a prerequisite, has been shown to be a major bonus in this course, because the instructor has none.
Daily reading assignment: www.sweatlee.com. Rote memorization is necessary, as surprise quizzes may arise on the whims of the instructor, sometimes on obscure reading topics from months back (eg. She first felt homesick on 23/10/07). Quizzes do not count in the final grade, but may determine the instructor’s willingness to award “extra credit”. Leaving a comment in new entries counts as part of your homework grade. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the shins.
Mathematics: Since the instructor is such a scrooge, the student is expected to keep up while shopping and help calculate the biggest savings. If it’s not worth it, drop it. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the kneecaps. Math skills are also essential in calculating when the instructor’s period will be arriving. Be alert, one wrong miscalculation will lead to days of doom and gloom. A menstruating Suet is not a happy Suet.
Biology: The Biology portion of this course ties in with the Math portion; knowing the instructor’s menstrual cycle by heart will help prevent scares in the process of obtaining extra credit *cough cough*. A physician’s understanding of the instructor’s body will lead to extra EXTRA credit. Failure to pass the Biology portion will NOT result in a swift kick to anything but your own ego.
Music: Since the instructor is not musically gifted, this means you will have to compensate for her lack of talent. The ability to play an instrument is a plus, as has been shown in previous semesters, but is not a guarantee to passing the course, as has also been shown in previous semesters. Shamelessness is a must; the student is expected to sing along loudly with the instructor whenever the whim strikes her. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the back of the head.
Gastronomy: The student must learn the vital life-skill of cooking, as the instructor lives for food, not you. Assisting the instructor in the kitchen is vital. Appear knowledgeable and be helpful. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick in the buttocks and no extra credit *cough cough*.
History: An acute encyclopediaic knowledge of the instructor’s past and dramas with her friends, AND her friends’ drama with their friends, or her friends’ friends’ drama with THEIR friends. When the instructor is detailing the dramas of her life, the student is expected to interject with “yah, you’re absolutely right!”, “yer what a bitch!”, and “damn stupid lah she!” if the instructor is bitching about someone else. The student MUST also be encouraging at all times, even if he disagrees with the instructor, as the instructor is always right. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the ears.
Art/Fashion: For extra credit opportunities *cough cough*, the student should possess some degree of creativity in class (eg. a date somewhere “different”, like say, an airport) and in the optional homework (eg. something like a bag of Hershey’s Kisses with messages inside) that he chooses to hand up. A keen eye for style will help the student make comments/suggestions on the instructor’s outfit. As these are only extra credit opportunities, no swift kicks will be dealt if the student fails to do as suggested.
Telepathy: The most important of all skills, the student is expected to know and understand EXACTLY what the instructor is thinking. This survival skill helps immensely when the instructor is going apeshit on you; the student is expected to know why immediately. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the bollocks, and a couple of days of cancelled classes. Occasionally, the instructor may assign an ESP test, also known as the BazSuet ESP Test. Passing this test with flying colors means extra EXTRA credit *cough cough*.
TRICK QUIZZES: These quizzes are designed to keep the student on his toes. The instructor may throw you a question when you least expect it. For example, “Baby, honestly, am I fat?”, and “Eh, do you think this girl is hot?” The first question warrants an instant denial, and the second must be followed by a second or two of faked “honest” contemplation, and a “Not really, her [insert body part] is too big/small. I give her a 6/10” Failure to answer as such will result in Chun-Li-style swift kicks all over. Passing this quiz is vital to survival, not just for graduation.
FINAL EXAMS: Final exams are held daily, at the end of the day. If the instructor still considers you her boyfriend, be grateful that you have passed another daily exam, then gaze down at the bruises from all those swift kicks, and wonder why you ever signed up for this course.