Suet 101

(brought to you by Barry)

SUET 101: INTRODUCTION TO DATING A SUET

Syllabus for Dec 2004 – Possibly the Rest of Your Life


BRIEF DESCRIPTION: This is the only required full-credit course in the Relationship department you will ever need to take. Work is ungraded, but a pass is necessary in order to graduate. The course covers myriad areas, which will develop the student’s multidisciplinary approach to life. A low pass will ensure a swift kick to the kneecaps, while an F will lead to a lifetime of crying in dark corners, wondering where it all went wrong. This is your life.

INSTRUCTOR: Mistress Liew Suet Li, Dmntrx

PREREQUISITES:
Wit, sarcasm, excellent command of English, good looks. The former prerequisite of being Malay no longer applies this semester. Patience, although not a prerequisite, has been shown to be a major bonus in this course, because the instructor has none.

REQUIRED WORK

Daily reading assignment: www.sweatlee.com. Rote memorization is necessary, as surprise quizzes may arise on the whims of the instructor, sometimes on obscure reading topics from months back (eg. She first felt homesick on 23/10/07). Quizzes do not count in the final grade, but may determine the instructor’s willingness to award “extra credit”. Leaving a comment in new entries counts as part of your homework grade. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the shins.

Mathematics:
Since the instructor is such a scrooge, the student is expected to keep up while shopping and help calculate the biggest savings. If it’s not worth it, drop it. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the kneecaps. Math skills are also essential in calculating when the instructor’s period will be arriving. Be alert, one wrong miscalculation will lead to days of doom and gloom. A menstruating Suet is not a happy Suet.

Biology: The Biology portion of this course ties in with the Math portion; knowing the instructor’s menstrual cycle by heart will help prevent scares in the process of obtaining extra credit *cough cough*. A physician’s understanding of the instructor’s body will lead to extra EXTRA credit. Failure to pass the Biology portion will NOT result in a swift kick to anything but your own ego.

Music: Since the instructor is not musically gifted, this means you will have to compensate for her lack of talent. The ability to play an instrument is a plus, as has been shown in previous semesters, but is not a guarantee to passing the course, as has also been shown in previous semesters. Shamelessness is a must; the student is expected to sing along loudly with the instructor whenever the whim strikes her. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the back of the head.

Gastronomy: The student must learn the vital life-skill of cooking, as the instructor lives for food, not you. Assisting the instructor in the kitchen is vital. Appear knowledgeable and be helpful. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick in the buttocks and no extra credit *cough cough*.

History: An acute encyclopediaic knowledge of the instructor’s past and dramas with her friends, AND her friends’ drama with their friends, or her friends’ friends’ drama with THEIR friends. When the instructor is detailing the dramas of her life, the student is expected to interject with “yah, you’re absolutely right!”, “yer what a bitch!”, and “damn stupid lah she!” if the instructor is bitching about someone else. The student MUST also be encouraging at all times, even if he disagrees with the instructor, as the instructor is always right. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the ears.

Art/Fashion: For extra credit opportunities *cough cough*, the student should possess some degree of creativity in class (eg. a date somewhere “different”, like say, an airport) and in the optional homework (eg. something like a bag of Hershey’s Kisses with messages inside) that he chooses to hand up. A keen eye for style will help the student make comments/suggestions on the instructor’s outfit. As these are only extra credit opportunities, no swift kicks will be dealt if the student fails to do as suggested.

Telepathy:
The most important of all skills, the student is expected to know and understand EXACTLY what the instructor is thinking. This survival skill helps immensely when the instructor is going apeshit on you; the student is expected to know why immediately. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the bollocks, and a couple of days of cancelled classes. Occasionally, the instructor may assign an ESP test, also known as the BazSuet ESP Test. Passing this test with flying colors means extra EXTRA credit *cough cough*.

TRICK QUIZZES: These quizzes are designed to keep the student on his toes. The instructor may throw you a question when you least expect it. For example, “Baby, honestly, am I fat?”, and “Eh, do you think this girl is hot?” The first question warrants an instant denial, and the second must be followed by a second or two of faked “honest” contemplation, and a “Not really, her [insert body part] is too big/small. I give her a 6/10” Failure to answer as such will result in Chun-Li-style swift kicks all over. Passing this quiz is vital to survival, not just for graduation.

FINAL EXAMS:
Final exams are held daily, at the end of the day. If the instructor still considers you her boyfriend, be grateful that you have passed another daily exam, then gaze down at the bruises from all those swift kicks, and wonder why you ever signed up for this course.

190 Responses to “Suet 101”

  1. carol says:

    that’s a heck lot of swift kicks O.o hahahahahhahahaha.

    need permanent physical therapy if you don’t do well. that’s if you’re lucky. at the worst, just a quadriplegic wtf.

  2. devina says:

    the most creative blog post of 2009 hahahaha. dmntrx wtf.

  3. iwancmn says:

    If this is a core subject, the fees should be way way low. In fact the faculty should give scholarships to every other student who took the course which this core subject is included. And a guaranteed job as the next prime minister of malaysia.

  4. Grace says:

    Eh, missed out on one major pre-req – Must be male right???

    Sexist!! Can I take the course? :p

  5. annant says:

    barry, i wish u best of luck everyday in da daily-final exam with flying colours
    though i know u will pass it with flying colours 😉

  6. Don says:

    hahahahaha….
    both of you are so funny..
    * cough cough..
    just make sure you are not getting yourself problem by posting this post.
    hahahaha.. i probably will kill my bf if he wrote a post like this for me
    God bless you~

    hahahahaha.. but no worry la.. you certainly will pass it excellently forever~

  7. sherlyn says:

    awohhhh…i think its a great idea on writing tis!tis post gonna continue in the future??wit pop quizes??haha

  8. Cassie says:

    this is one of the best post ever woohoo =)

  9. Erlinda says:

    hahahaha!!! nice one!!! :)Love this entry!Awww… so shweeettt..

  10. sweatlee says:

    LET ME CLARIFY THAT i am not this abusive ok wtf stupid barry lemme give him a virtual kick him now

  11. clem says:

    next upcoming course.. SUET 102: INTRODUCTION TO REMAINING AS SUET’S ‘FRIENDS FOREVER NEVER ENDS’!

    Pre-requisite: Extensive knowledge to inside jokes are required. If you do not get the joke in the title of this course, you are probably not her friend thus are unsuitable for this course.

  12. Tan Yee Hou says:

    Hmph so many swift kicks, no variety at all.

    Don’t want to sign up already lah! *does whatever hand sign*

  13. pinkpau says:

    Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the bollocks…… and a couple of days of cancelled classes.

    hahahahahaa
    i laughed until stomach pain

  14. Dwee says:

    LOLXX!! Best post since I’ve started reading your blog. Damn creative.

  15. nicole says:

    barry must have lots of internal injuries from all the kicks :p kesiannyer!

  16. sj says:

    hahahaha barry is uber funny hahahaha

  17. gwen says:

    sometimes i cant decide whether i like suet’s posts more or barry’s post more! haha

  18. jammie says:

    HHAHAHAA good one Barry mmmn dominatrix I just had a vision of Suet in knee high leather boots *wiggly brows

  19. pattirmina says:

    haha. every failure got swift kick one ha? all the best to Barry! 😛 tho i think, he’ll do great.

  20. abby says:

    *cough cough* wtf HAHAHA

  21. chloe says:

    OMG LOOOOL good one good one

  22. hui wen says:

    Hahhaha, I love this post! Extra credit, haha!

  23. Michelle C says:

    I wanna write a post like this. Can I buy royalty from chuuu? This is cute la! Me loves.

    Welcum to the dominatrix clubbbb darling

  24. jy says:

    hahaha too much swift kicks and *cough cough* kekeke
    the funniest couple la you two haha~

  25. FeR says:

    haha! this post is really funny!
    imaginative, too!
    Suet a dmntrx! *gasp*
    That explains the swift kicks’ punishments.

    😉

  26. fern says:

    barry needs cough syrup after working hard for all that extra credit 😛

  27. melissa says:

    lol. suet, give him the graduation cert already lah! He is everything women need in a bf. observant,witty,spontaneous,romantic and funny! Ha ha ha
    Haiya..dunno how long i will laugh at this post

  28. joyce says:

    barry i salute u, u really have what it takes =.=

    good luck man.

  29. Sharon says:

    LOL this is hilarious! and sweet at the same time 😀

  30. Baz says:

    yalah, of course there should be extra credit opportunities *cough cough*, all work and no play…you know how the saying goes. and it is a LOT of work wtf.

  31. amber says:

    suet!!! i saw u on NST 7/2/09! ur pix! so nice! ur quotes! 🙂

  32. kitkeat says:

    Needless to say, this is hillarious!!! Best laughs for the day! Thanks for making my day =)

  33. lydia says:

    this is hilarious, suet. 🙂 props to barry! x

  34. Jiayi says:

    hahaha! Nice one! Funny and sweeet!

  35. weiqi says:

    haha..barry u so funny..

  36. Gin says:

    damn farney this post.. hahah..but too many swift kicks eh! need other forms of punishment *o*

  37. bs says:

    HAHAHA oh god this is good shit!

  38. yk says:

    does “extra credit” mean: few hours of physical work at night?

  39. Baz says:

    grace: nope, the college has a strict no-discrimination policy wtf. however, the instructor has the final say in the awarding of grades wtf.

    jam: yah dei, you should see her whip

    michelle c: up to you lah, the content is what matters. no two colleges have the exact same syllabus.

    yk: day, night, whatever. it’s entirely up to the discretion of the instructor. it’s a punishing workload, i tell you.

  40. cindy says:

    kudos to such an excellent written instruction of exams for being your bf… but its kinda tough and someones butt have to be tough to endure all the kickin…

    love this post nevertheless…lmao… ^_^

  41. Michelle C says:

    I’m from Trinity college. Hahahaha

  42. Angie says:

    Ei Barry let me ask you a very important question okay if u don’t dare to answer me honestly here send the answer to my email at owaterdropo@hotmail.com wtf

    okay the question is : so when u answered a girl is 6/10 or 5/10 is that the truth ?? Or in your heart u actually think she is super hot ?! this question is crucial to certain person’s survival and graduation as well wtf Ei but answer honestly okay !

  43. Jade Zheng says:

    yorrr! so hard to pass one u! i think i’ll obtain an F which leads to a lifetime of crying in dark corners… *sobs sobs*

  44. jessieloi says:

    “next upcoming course.. SUET 102: INTRODUCTION TO REMAINING AS SUET’S ‘FRIENDS FOREVER NEVER ENDS’!
    Pre-requisite: Extensive knowledge to inside jokes are required. If you do not get the joke in the title of this course, you are probably not her friend thus are unsuitable for this course.”

    Hahah I agree with you, CLEM! hahahah!!

  45. Elise says:

    Really super beh tahan…LOL 😛 really sweet couple. interesting post to read especially Valentine’s day is just around the corner.

    btw, this is my first time leave comment cuz i really beh tahan..wtf 😀

  46. Jen says:

    Hahahah this is awesome! 😀

  47. aimee says:

    HAHA sounds like something out of hogwarts

  48. Frus says:

    Baz, you da Man!

  49. Baz says:

    angie: hahahhaha water drop wtf. eh, i don’t want to be responsible for another student’s graduation! but nvm lah, i don’t know him wtf.

    it depends, but whatever i think of that girl, i’ll usually just say 5/10 or 6/10, just to save my own skin. that way, the instructor feels better and superior wtf and we can go home happy. unless the girl is really ugly, then he can honestly rate her lower than 5 wtf, but otherwise, keep it safe.

  50. xiangyun says:

    HAHAHA so funny! My bf and I love it! Thanks Barry!

  51. skim says:

    AHAHHAHA OMG THIS IS THE CUTEST
    what a clever boyfriend you have

  52. Maye says:

    *faint*
    Like this also can huh? Awesome though…

  53. Jade Zheng says:

    adui.. the hair fall picture abit tragic leh! *jijiK!* hahaha…

  54. la la la~~~ says:

    “Passing this test with flying colors means extra EXTRA credit *cough cough*.”

    sounds sooooooooooo wrong. :p

  55. stef says:

    omg, so damn funny, i love this post. hahahahahahah, laughing out loud in front of my comp.

    stefanie

  56. mich- says:

    hahaha u’re a good writer

  57. juan says:

    Ooib,
    if you put half as much work on your papers for your other college courses maybe you would be passing with flying colors there too. don’t know if you would want any extra credit from the instruction. personally i wouldn’t mind some *cough cough in short fiction last semester.

  58. juan says:

    btw accounting professor is a cougar. you will see, you will see. you will have to tell suet she’s a six.

  59. sweatlee says:

    JUAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I WILL KILL U! AND THE ACCOUNTING PROF

  60. Chyi says:

    accidentally read ur blog thru ALL SHINY WHITE ad Lol.
    so I guess I’m the Latest reader of ur blog hahas

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