Suet 101

(brought to you by Barry)


Syllabus for Dec 2004 – Possibly the Rest of Your Life

BRIEF DESCRIPTION: This is the only required full-credit course in the Relationship department you will ever need to take. Work is ungraded, but a pass is necessary in order to graduate. The course covers myriad areas, which will develop the student’s multidisciplinary approach to life. A low pass will ensure a swift kick to the kneecaps, while an F will lead to a lifetime of crying in dark corners, wondering where it all went wrong. This is your life.

INSTRUCTOR: Mistress Liew Suet Li, Dmntrx

Wit, sarcasm, excellent command of English, good looks. The former prerequisite of being Malay no longer applies this semester. Patience, although not a prerequisite, has been shown to be a major bonus in this course, because the instructor has none.


Daily reading assignment: Rote memorization is necessary, as surprise quizzes may arise on the whims of the instructor, sometimes on obscure reading topics from months back (eg. She first felt homesick on 23/10/07). Quizzes do not count in the final grade, but may determine the instructor’s willingness to award “extra credit”. Leaving a comment in new entries counts as part of your homework grade. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the shins.

Since the instructor is such a scrooge, the student is expected to keep up while shopping and help calculate the biggest savings. If it’s not worth it, drop it. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the kneecaps. Math skills are also essential in calculating when the instructor’s period will be arriving. Be alert, one wrong miscalculation will lead to days of doom and gloom. A menstruating Suet is not a happy Suet.

Biology: The Biology portion of this course ties in with the Math portion; knowing the instructor’s menstrual cycle by heart will help prevent scares in the process of obtaining extra credit *cough cough*. A physician’s understanding of the instructor’s body will lead to extra EXTRA credit. Failure to pass the Biology portion will NOT result in a swift kick to anything but your own ego.

Music: Since the instructor is not musically gifted, this means you will have to compensate for her lack of talent. The ability to play an instrument is a plus, as has been shown in previous semesters, but is not a guarantee to passing the course, as has also been shown in previous semesters. Shamelessness is a must; the student is expected to sing along loudly with the instructor whenever the whim strikes her. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the back of the head.

Gastronomy: The student must learn the vital life-skill of cooking, as the instructor lives for food, not you. Assisting the instructor in the kitchen is vital. Appear knowledgeable and be helpful. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick in the buttocks and no extra credit *cough cough*.

History: An acute encyclopediaic knowledge of the instructor’s past and dramas with her friends, AND her friends’ drama with their friends, or her friends’ friends’ drama with THEIR friends. When the instructor is detailing the dramas of her life, the student is expected to interject with “yah, you’re absolutely right!”, “yer what a bitch!”, and “damn stupid lah she!” if the instructor is bitching about someone else. The student MUST also be encouraging at all times, even if he disagrees with the instructor, as the instructor is always right. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the ears.

Art/Fashion: For extra credit opportunities *cough cough*, the student should possess some degree of creativity in class (eg. a date somewhere “different”, like say, an airport) and in the optional homework (eg. something like a bag of Hershey’s Kisses with messages inside) that he chooses to hand up. A keen eye for style will help the student make comments/suggestions on the instructor’s outfit. As these are only extra credit opportunities, no swift kicks will be dealt if the student fails to do as suggested.

The most important of all skills, the student is expected to know and understand EXACTLY what the instructor is thinking. This survival skill helps immensely when the instructor is going apeshit on you; the student is expected to know why immediately. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the bollocks, and a couple of days of cancelled classes. Occasionally, the instructor may assign an ESP test, also known as the BazSuet ESP Test. Passing this test with flying colors means extra EXTRA credit *cough cough*.

TRICK QUIZZES: These quizzes are designed to keep the student on his toes. The instructor may throw you a question when you least expect it. For example, “Baby, honestly, am I fat?”, and “Eh, do you think this girl is hot?” The first question warrants an instant denial, and the second must be followed by a second or two of faked “honest” contemplation, and a “Not really, her [insert body part] is too big/small. I give her a 6/10” Failure to answer as such will result in Chun-Li-style swift kicks all over. Passing this quiz is vital to survival, not just for graduation.

Final exams are held daily, at the end of the day. If the instructor still considers you her boyfriend, be grateful that you have passed another daily exam, then gaze down at the bruises from all those swift kicks, and wonder why you ever signed up for this course.


  1. carol says:

    that’s a heck lot of swift kicks O.o hahahahahhahahaha.

    need permanent physical therapy if you don’t do well. that’s if you’re lucky. at the worst, just a quadriplegic wtf.

  2. iwancmn says:

    If this is a core subject, the fees should be way way low. In fact the faculty should give scholarships to every other student who took the course which this core subject is included. And a guaranteed job as the next prime minister of malaysia.

  3. Don says:

    both of you are so funny..
    * cough cough..
    just make sure you are not getting yourself problem by posting this post.
    hahahaha.. i probably will kill my bf if he wrote a post like this for me
    God bless you~

    hahahahaha.. but no worry la.. you certainly will pass it excellently forever~

  4. clem says:


    Pre-requisite: Extensive knowledge to inside jokes are required. If you do not get the joke in the title of this course, you are probably not her friend thus are unsuitable for this course.

  5. melissa says:

    lol. suet, give him the graduation cert already lah! He is everything women need in a bf. observant,witty,spontaneous,romantic and funny! Ha ha ha
    Haiya..dunno how long i will laugh at this post

  6. Baz says:

    grace: nope, the college has a strict no-discrimination policy wtf. however, the instructor has the final say in the awarding of grades wtf.

    jam: yah dei, you should see her whip

    michelle c: up to you lah, the content is what matters. no two colleges have the exact same syllabus.

    yk: day, night, whatever. it’s entirely up to the discretion of the instructor. it’s a punishing workload, i tell you.

  7. cindy says:

    kudos to such an excellent written instruction of exams for being your bf… but its kinda tough and someones butt have to be tough to endure all the kickin…

    love this post nevertheless…lmao… ^_^

  8. Angie says:

    Ei Barry let me ask you a very important question okay if u don’t dare to answer me honestly here send the answer to my email at wtf

    okay the question is : so when u answered a girl is 6/10 or 5/10 is that the truth ?? Or in your heart u actually think she is super hot ?! this question is crucial to certain person’s survival and graduation as well wtf Ei but answer honestly okay !

  9. jessieloi says:

    Pre-requisite: Extensive knowledge to inside jokes are required. If you do not get the joke in the title of this course, you are probably not her friend thus are unsuitable for this course.”

    Hahah I agree with you, CLEM! hahahah!!

  10. Elise says:

    Really super beh tahan…LOL 😛 really sweet couple. interesting post to read especially Valentine’s day is just around the corner.

    btw, this is my first time leave comment cuz i really beh 😀

  11. Baz says:

    angie: hahahhaha water drop wtf. eh, i don’t want to be responsible for another student’s graduation! but nvm lah, i don’t know him wtf.

    it depends, but whatever i think of that girl, i’ll usually just say 5/10 or 6/10, just to save my own skin. that way, the instructor feels better and superior wtf and we can go home happy. unless the girl is really ugly, then he can honestly rate her lower than 5 wtf, but otherwise, keep it safe.

  12. juan says:

    if you put half as much work on your papers for your other college courses maybe you would be passing with flying colors there too. don’t know if you would want any extra credit from the instruction. personally i wouldn’t mind some *cough cough in short fiction last semester.

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