Omg I’m so emo now it’s not even funny. My facebook/MSN statuses have been “suet is super emo” for a few weeks now but I just changed it cause people kept asking why I was emo and I never had good answers for them. Fact is, I’m just an emo person you know *somber wtf

I’m listening to Peter Pan on repeat now. I’ve been doing this for the past 3 hours without realizing it

God I miss Malay a lot. I’m listening to Kris Dayanti now.

It’s Siti Nurhaliza now.

Melly Goeslow now. This is my entire childhood/teenhood here. and OAG too.

I can’t believe I can’t speak Malay fluently anymore. My roots, my home language, my identity. sigh

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I woke up feeling sadder than I had ever been today. Barry is away on a trip to Switzerland and I haven’t talked to him at all for a few days. My friends back home are all in different places, leading different lives. Shan shan is going to visit her boyfriend for Valentine’s. So I guess it’s back to just me and myself now.

I got a package today. I went to the mail office to retrieve it, all the time thinking that it was the makeup I bought online (yes I actually bought something hooray me). When I saw the package and how familiar the handwriting was, my heart melted into a gooey mess.

I held on to the package tightly, not wanting to let this moment go away. I tore the package open slowly, savoring every second of it. Barry sent me something before he went on that trip. It was a piece of chocolate he bought in this very old chocolatier place in one of the towns he visited. He wrote me a letter too. Sigh I don’t know which part of me did what to deserve someone like him in my life.

I’m sad at a lot of things. I’m sad that life is so unfair to certain people sometimes. I’m sad that I got mad at something trivial yesterday and then something bad happened to someone and I felt so stupid getting mad in the first place when my problem was not even comparable to hers.

I’m sad that sometimes I just want people to understand something so badly that when they don’t, I get mad at them and myself. I’m sad that I can’t understand how some people are and how I can’t reach out to everyone. All these things made me wake up to an incredibly sad day but I realized today that everybody is different and sometimes maybe people are not meant to be understood. This realization of the complexity of people saddened me more.

I feel like I want to know the meaning of life. Should I stop studying now and sit under a tree to achieve my own enlightenment and nirvana? Will that make me happier? Maybe I should rediscover the meaning of having a religion. I’m sick of having people telling me what to think about religions. I feel like I’m stuck in this vicious cycle of being converted to this and that. Overzealous religious people kept trying to pull me to see things their way and cynical atheists kept pulling me into their direction instead. I want to have a religion without being judged. Maybe I should create one myself.

Once when I was pretty young, some brats in my class snatched my new 48-color LUNA color pencils away from me. I was sort of the teacher’s pet cause I was pretty good at coloring and so they weren’t happy with me. I was upset but I didn’t dare to get them back. I went back home and told my grandma that I accidentally left my color pencils in the canteen and when I went back to look for them, they were already gone. That night, I had to kneel on the jagged ends of bottle caps as punishment for losing the pencils. I grew up having to accommodate these people who are insecure of what they don’t have and take it out on me but I’ve decided that this has to come to an end.

My mission this time is to truly understand where someone is coming from before talking about them. Of all the traits I hate most about people, I think being judgmental takes the cake. I will put all the effort in the world to not judge people anymore, and all I’m asking in return is for everyone to do the same too.

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