Project 365- take one picture that summarizes your day everyday. 3, 2, 1, go!
#1 : 18th of February 2009
When the snow finally melted, the first patch of green grass emerged and the squirrels came out to play, but someone thought it was funny to let it snow again today. When I thought spring has cometh finally, I came to the realization that nothing will ever go my way when I want it most. So I’m more than ready to alter and reshape and accommodate my expectations now. If spring doesn’t want to come now, then let it be.
Yesterday was a day choked with all kinds of emotions possible. I was excited yet scared at the same time, happy yet worried, anxious yet calm, and super stressed. I think I’m really bad at dealing with stress cause instead of stopping it, I let in engulf me completely and tell me what to do instead. But the best thing about stress is it comes and goes. It doesn’t stay in your head forever, like a toxin that gets washed away in your blood stream after some time.
So today I woke up with a solution to all that stress and instead of spending so much time worrying and thinking about it, I just let my heart tell me what to do and I think it’s the right thing after all.
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On a completely unrelated and un-emo post, I really have to tell you this. Of all the things I’ve learned from living in a dorm community, the knowledge I cherish most is my ability to put an invisible cloak on myself and just pretend I don’t exist- especially when I’m in the communal bathroom. You have no idea how awkward it is to go into the bathroom when you need to take the biggest dump of your life and see people in there too.
So, I have mastered several very high-skilled techniques that I have perfected over the years. Unfortunately, some daft people never seem to master these skills and have left me very very disappointed.
Case in question is this:
So I was taking my shower leisurely, squeezing some shampoo on my hand, singing to myself lalala when suddenly, I heard this hugeeee splash followed by the smelliest stench I’ve ever smelt in my life. Oh noesss it’s the case of the girl who’s shitting but is too dumb to master these techniques!! AND I was trapped cause I was still showering!!!
Technique number 1:
When you know you’re going to take a dump, you must come prepared. First of all, take some toilet paper and throw it into the toilet bowl. I KNOW I’M WASTING TREES but what the heck it’s just two pieces of toilet paper anyway I KNOW THAT IS 1/8418410 of a tree but listen I’m saving you from further embarrassment.
The purpose of the paper is to cushion your erm..excrement/feces/shit wtf when it falls, so as to prevent the huge splash/ugly “doooop” sound wtf hahahah don’t know how to explain lah!
Technique number 2:
You have to be good at physics for this. You must know yourself how big your feces will be exactly, so you know when exactly to push the flush button. When the feces unattaches itself from your erm..lubang anus WTF, you must be quick and agile so you can push the flush immediately (you can practice this by dropping something on your floor and try to hit the floor before it touches, if you hit the floor after the thing falls, you fail. try again next time)
BUT! becareful! If you push it too early, the flush will only serve to disguise the “dooop” sound but your feces won’t be flushed down (unless if it’s a big flush..thingy). Therefore, you must push it right at the moment BEFORE it touches the water so the flush will not only help to disguise the sound, but will also suck your shit in so it won’t stay there in the toilet bowl and stink up the entire bathroom!!!!
I think flushing really works to prevent the smell of the shit to travel around the air and cause further harm to other unsuspecting victims in the bathroom.
Actually that’s all no other techniques. however, if you’re a tree-hugger/environmentalist, you probably won’t want to do this cause it wastes paper and water but pleaseeee, do it when you know someone else is in the bathroom too!
You have no idea how unpleasant my entire showering experience was thanks to the girl who was shitting but was too unskilled in covering the smell/sound of her feces. What made it worse was the fact that today is Suet’s Dirty Hair day so I had to wash my hair = taking more time in the shower = pure uncalled for suffering T_______T
I tried to drown my miseries my using more shampoo to mask the stench but the it was too strong and even defeated the smell of my shampoo T_T
I then tried stuffing my face in the water the entire time but I almost drowned wtf hahahaha FML
Anyway it’s great that you’re taking the biggest shit of your life, really, I’m truly happy for you and you really deserve this big dump after days of constipation but please oh pleaseee spare my life!! Have mercy! Flush your shit down! You can sit there for an entire hour for all I care but please flush everytime you have shit sitting there in the toilet bowl or else it’ll smell really bad!
Maybe I should print this out and paste it on the toilet stalls. Community service, please read this first wtf.