November 15th, 2009
Entry Three
My self-drawn schedule of the months of Oct, Nov and Dec is filled with red writings all over. *PRESENTATION* *PROJECT DUE* *MIDTERM* *PAPER DUE* staring right back at me, forming a blur of red ink and pink highlights. Two more weeks of boring lectures and rushing deadlines, 1 week off for ‘revision’ which we all know is not going to happen, 2 weeks of redbull and exams in freezing theater halls and I’m out of here.
As I open tabs after tabs of reports by the Ministry of Commerce on the failed Coca-Cola deal in China and reports on the US-China trade frictions, I find myself reflecting on my semester and what I’ve accomplished thus far. Just to make it clear first, I’m neither proud nor ashamed of any of these:
Had so much fun that it jeopardized my relationship - check
Let myself go loose to the point that I didn’t know what sort of person I have become - check
Allowed my emotions to take control of my life without thinking straight - check
I went to the rooftop one night for a midnight rendezvous with myself. The wind was so strong it blew the glass bottle I had with me down from the ledge to 16 stories below. I watched as the bottle spun round and round and hit straight on the ground before it broke into a million jagged pieces, releasing the liquid it contained. I tip-toed higher, watching the circumference of the vodka grew from a mere centimeter to a wider pool before realizing that my toes were getting numbed from the cold and the tip-toeing. I bade farewell to my glass and went back into my room.
I went makeup shopping the other day by myself. I’m slowly finding joy in being alone again, especially when I’m in the company of Beatles’ Love Album on my China brand mp3 player. I was choosing my mascara and eyeliner when the familiar tune of Octopus Garden started playing. I’d like to be, under the sea, in an Octopus’ Garden, in the shade. Right after I paid for my merchandises (RM150 on makeup, am i for real?), my mp3 player died. I looked at the screen and it said “Byebye!!” with two exclamation marks. I woke up from my reverie and realized that I actually don’t quite like being alone.
I did more thinking the past three months than I’ve ever done in my entire life. What am I doing? What am I becoming? Do I want this? Is it worth it? That day on the rooftop with the cold 1389mph wind blowing on my face gave me all the answers I was looking for. I was too blinded by my need to be young and carefree that I’ve failed to look at the bigger scheme of things. The bigger scheme of things is that I will only find happiness if people I care about and who care about me are happy too. There’s no point being a lone ranger in seeking for the true pursuit of life.
I went to the rooftop again the other day, just because it’s the perfect place to look at Hong Kong without feeling touristy. I stood there for the longest time, taking in all the sights and sounds. I felt this sudden intense desire to jump on top of one of those buildings below and just hop from building to building. I wanted to tell someone that but then I realized that this could potentially sound rather suicidal so I refrained from doing so. That feeling wasn’t the least bit suicidal to me, but more like me happily hopping around in the tune of Laputa (Castle in the Sky)’s theme song.
I was on the tram to Central to meet up with Eliza yesterday. The tram was almost empty and I had the entire top compartment to myself. The wind was exceptionally chilly that night and the tram was trembling and shaking way more than usual. I told myself that I’m finally so over it. The tram wobbled its way from Kennedy Town to Central and as I stepped out of it, I left all of it behind.
Rooftop, tram, Laputa, Octopus’ Garden, makeup shopping, schedule filled with red writings, broken glass, jumping from building to building. They’re all just a part of life.
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i really like that part when you wrote you left all those behind the tram…
i hope everything goes on smoothly for you
Wow…I actually enjoy reading this. I mean…I don’t know. It just….so right at this time I’m reading it.
Hugs. Thank you for blogging this. Even though it’s just your diary, about you, it just…it makes me think a little and I just feel like saying thank you la.
after all the soul-searching and decision-making, acting on it is the hardest, I think! What if you don’t want to hurt the people you care about but you end up ‘hurting’ yourself or limiting yourself … or what if you stubbornly pursue an adventurous and different path but end up being alone? hmmm … all these mind-boggling questions wtf.
omg, just realized I typed an entire essay. -_- Anyway, thanks so much for meeting me and showing me around, sorry if I wasn’t too chatty! it’s been a really weird and mixed array of feelings all week for me :S somehow strolling the streets of Macau while soul-searching and all the shopping in HK makes one wistful. I’m you can relate … =D
Awww, Suet Li!
I don’t know what to say except hang in there! If life was that simple and easy, it wouldn’t really be exciting to live it no?
*Big virtual hug!
hello there,
cheers. just be happy doing the things you do. wild or no, young or old, it’s about what kinda life you seek.
you are one brave girl to put all these up. jiayou being yourself.
This post is so beautifully written, it’s really a pleasure for us readers reading this.
i wanted to say “everything will be alright soon” but it sounds cliche huh? hmm.
it’s just a phase. hope you’ll be fine! =)
honestly speaking, i was worried when i’m half way through your post as i thought you would have suicidal thoughts, but then sigh in relief as you had explained yourself at the end.
its nice to be able to get answers to all your questions and i normally don’t do that by standing on top of a tall building (cuz northern ireland doesn’t have any -__-”’), but instead, i pray (yeah, pretty lame).
but anyhow, glad that you’ve found your way.
suet li, i really love entries like this from you. it’s entries like this from you that makes me go, wow. she’s speaking from her heart.
Writing from your heart is special.. I wish i have the bravery to write as openly as you do, but i don’t have the strength to do so yet. I must say though, this entry of yours makes me think about MY own life too. nobody likes to be alone. even though that person may say i want to be alone, but most of the time, they don’t mean that.
I believe most people have the similar feelings as how you’re feeling lately. =/ which is why i can totally relate to you now.
I’m glad that you’ve finally left it all behind, girl!! congrats!!
do take care, suet, good luck in all your exams (oh i know how it feels. i’m preparing for my exams too but i’m stuck reading your blog instead. oops but i really cant pull myself away from your blog >_<)
The past month or so has been undoubtedly the worst of my life, but things can only get better for us from here, eh? I’m glad you finally realized all that, but I kinda wish you’d told it all to me. Instead, we talked about being on dick and tentacle porn wtf. Missing you.
there’s not much to say from us readers except to comfort you and tell you that we are all here with you. i know you will not lost hope but do stand strong! nothing is impossible and we all know that you can achieve what you want. if you think it is the best decision, then it is the best. don’t get disillusioned by all the happenings now. all the best to you! ;D
don’t talk about “need to feel young”!
all it sounds like “no-one can turn back time”, you are no longer the “girl” that you perceive or know. you are turning into a woman. in fact, you are not alone, i believe most of us have gone thru stages like these in growing up. to be honest, i am still searching for things that will truely satisfy my needs and want, and i am sure that that will continue as long as i am alive. things change for a reason. my suggestion to your post is to stop thinking why things change but think about what changes you can make. dont worry time will help you in your changing process. i envy people who know what they want and needs and are satisfied.
ice
*HuGzZz* Things will be better.
Hope that you and Baz would be alright
*BIG HUGS* for both of you! 加油！
hugs!
I think alot of us goes through similar emotions. Who are you? Where are you heading? What do you want for yourself? What is happiness? Are you truly happy? I am glad you are able to reflect upon your emotions. You will come out stronger and its just anpther sign you are slowly growing into a fine lady!!
Hong Kong has definitely changed you, and I don’t think it’s a bad thing at all. You’re just at the turning point of being a real adult, one who thinks for herself. Your life is your responsibility now, unlike me, I’m still being spoonfed by my parents
Btw, I’ve had the same idea of jumping from building to building ok so it’s no suicidal!!!
suet li, u sound lost… hope everything’s fine with u…
patricia, i wrote it from my heart =) thanks!
ping, haha i really didnt think anyone could relate to it cause it’s just so random! no prob =)
liz, eh u so fast reach home edi ah! i hope everything goes well with you too, it was nice meeting u! i was too lazy at first to go all the way to central but it was worth it =D
lisa, haha im actually not sad or upset or anything! thanks for the hug though =)
yiwin, thanks
alice, it’s a pleasure to write to such an amazing audience =)
dy, i am fine!!! haha why everyone thinks im upset/not fine? im actually feeling pretty damned fine wtf
cindy, hahah nolahhh i wont have suicidal thoughts! praying is good too =D
amanda, im glad u liked it! i usually dont think ppl enjoy reading cryptic emo entries like this but i write it anyway cause i want to pen my feelings down. thanks and thanks for reading too!
baz, i love you babe. sometimes it’s just hard to explain certain things, especially something as vague as feelings =)
yumii, i will always love my readers =)
ky, heh!
ice, haha im not a girl, not yet a woman wtf. yeah i try not to think why things are changing too and just embrace the change haha so corny.
enid, thanks =)
maple, thanks!
lu, =D
jc, haha fine lady sounds so funny! but yeah i hope i will too =)
chienteng, haha isnt that the best feeling ever??
erlinda, im not lost! im actually fine but thanks =)
very well said.
i had so much fun that it jeopardized my relationship a lot during my 1st semester in uni… im just glad that my bf did not give up on me… =)
hope everything will work out good for u SuetLi.. *hugs*
Good luck with things here. Winter makes us all a little nostalgic and reflective.
i feel like i can relate. soul-searching, many of us are doing the same thing. it’s ok!! it’s just a phase!
Libra girl is liddat one! hehehe~ but in d end of the day they do come back 2 their senses.
I like this entry so much that my heartache wtf ~ I miss you too ! hope u just get happier and happier !!
Glad to know there is a happy ending! I wish I have the courage to be alone and discover myself again. Good luck!
could totally empathize what you are going through… so i can just offer your hugs/best wishes… good luck in your upcoming exams and have fun in HK for the remainder of the time there.
Oh I love emo cryptic posts and I love all the comments! I feel like I’m reading Dear Thelma! I wish I could write as good as you!
I just love your posts and your writings. You are a brave girl and you have done many things that I wish I could do. This post have made me heartache. Simply love you. All the best!
I’m sure I’m like weeks late reading this (I have a valid reason!) but <3.