What a feeling

What a feeling

I’m kind of upset today. I think I’m just upset in general that my lifestyle changed so drastically from being on the move constantly to staying in my room/library all day doing work. I’m actually happy that I’m back to being constantly challenged intellectually and to doing real work but I’m sad that it’s all just work and no play. I want to work hard and play hard you know, but that’s easier said than done.

I haven’t really found anyone who wants that as much as I do. Most of the people I know are just either this or that and I’m finding it increasingly hard to connect with anyone. I’m graduating in 1 year after this semester and I don’t want my reminiscence of my college years be of the memories I spent doing work/watching drama in my room.

I had a talk with my close friend in college today about this and to my chagrin, I found that we’re drifting further apart in ideologies. This saddens me so much, because I had appreciated the friendship very much and I don’t want anything to change just because I have changed. But there’s just so much to compromise now and what tops the list is my happiness.

I’m determined to show myself, and to people that you can play as hard as you study. I’m not having fun at college right now, to be honest. This is not what I had imagined my college life to be. This is not me, and I cannot see myself being repressed further in this stifling environment. It’s not my college, it’s not the people. I can’t pinpoint what is it exactly, everything just seems like it’s in the wrong place right now, especially me.

So, I got an award recently for being in the top 10% in my graduating class and yet I don’t feel anything remotely close to being an accomplished person. I’d rather trade my award for a decent GPA and a social life 🙁

I just want happy memories to remember my college by, happy memories hanging out with friends and happy conversations about everything and nothing. It doesn’t even have to include partying, alcohol and scandalous things like that.

I need to find my niche, and this is not it.

I will wake up happy tomorrow and try harder. I don’t believe that my environment will decisively mold the person that I am. I will not let history repeat itself again and if it even tries to repeat itself, I’ll catch it by its knees and jam them hard into its ass. Let’s see who’s the boss now wtf