March 4th, 2010
Entry Five
So I’ve completely forgotten that I have a blog and I have an unwritten obligation and duty to churn out random stuff here. How have I been the past few days:
Miserable
Two days ago, I was struck with the worst insomnia I’ve ever had in a long long time. I went to bed at 1 a.m and lay there painfully until the big clock chimed five times. Five freaking a.m and I was still wide awake. As if that was not bad enough, I suddenly felt the urge to vomit?? Great. I finally fell asleep and had to force myself to wake up at 10 the next morning for class T___T
Busy
You know I suddenly don’t enjoy studying anymore. It’s always about meeting deadlines and writing papers and reading stuff you’re not really interested in. I love what I’m studying, it’s just that it has become a must instead of a want. I have three 6-page papers due by the end of next week and I have no idea how I can do it. I will eventually get through it but I’m just kinda perplexed at my lack of enthusiasm these days.
In pain
I woke up today with a really bad stabbing pain somewhere near my ovaries? uterus? I don’t know how to describe it but it’s really bothering me. I’m still alive and can still walk but I’m kind of worried, not because I might die but because if this pain persists, HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO FINISH MY PAPERS???
Disappointed
I don’t know what is your concept of friendship and I don’t know if I have one myself but recently I’ve been getting increasingly disillusioned in what I perceive to be a true friendship. I constantly delude myself into having too high an expectation for my friends and it has so far just led to disappointments over and over again. I used to be a very confident person and I used to believe in the things I do. But an extremely bad episode with certain people threw me off the cliff and shattered my self-belief permanently.
After that, all I asked for was just to have drama-free friends. I cannot deal with that blow again and I just wanted people who wouldn’t take what I confide in them and shout it out for people to hear. I don’t need to be around such poison that is slowly eating me alive as a person. Personal attacks on the principles I hold dear to, on the things I do, on the what I wear, on how I look – no I don’t need that, not especially from people I trust.
Then I found people who are drama-free. People who don’t listen attentively to what you say only to spin around and whisper a twisted concoction to the person next to them. But these people come with their own trade off. They don’t gossip, but they’re also highly unreliable. They are nowhere to be found when you need them most and they take your values of friendship lightly.
At least with the former type, they are always there for you. For the wrong reasons? who cares, they are there when you need them.
So when it comes down to this, what is it going to be?
Relaxed
Despite all these negative emotions, I’m feeling strangely calm and relaxed in a weird way. I used to be so tensed.. so stressed all the time. But these days I’m like a big blob, blobbing its way with the flow of things. Maybe I know some things will always remain the way it is so no point pulling my hair out because of it.
——
All that said, I’m sorry I’ve been quite different lately. Perhaps not so funny, maybe a little not so sohai and wtf anymore, but I assure you in essence I’m still the same person. It’s just all this trying to discover who I am/growing up/testing my limits phase.
I have a very controversial issue I want to talk about, about people who are selling their souls to private, unethical, profit-making firms, but I will leave that for another day. I need to finish the 350 page book for my paper due in a few days argh!!!!!!! College is not only taking away my money but my happiness and zest for life! Why the need to assign so much work??
Related posts:
A calm mind can see clearer and further. Sometime something is not meant to be solve by us, so we just live through it. Go with the flow, do the things you can do, and leave the rest.
i seriously love you swet so i hope u will do much fine there. all the best and xoxo !!
Find a friend who is hostile at first but then somehow, grow chatty, then becomes friendly and who have bad experiences like you do… then there, you found a friend.
maybe a good sleep and a lot of hugs from person you love/like will help. When i depress, that’s what I need =)
Did u study in SJK Chung Hua Lutong before during your primary school back in Miri?
“”Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college” ~ Bill Vaughn
Everyone has one of these moments where you just don’t recognize yourself in the mirror or don’t really know what the hell you’re doing anymore. Life does that to people. Along with living on endless expectations.
But then one day you’d wake up and feel that you’ve just been you all the while. These feelings are just part of life, and living. Don’t let it get to you. Hope you feel better soon. =)
suet, you’re great. even if your posts are different now, you are still you. and as a reader, i’ll still read your blog religiously.
as your peer, i totally feel you (the papers and the soul-searching part).
but i guess life is like that huh? it throws you around, and one day, one fine day maybe we’ll all wake up and find ourselves.
You are just being childish to complain so much about people around you. What you really cares are not who is your besties, but yourself because you mind so much about what other people might think of you, you are attention seeker, you just love being envied by other people.
College is the place to train you to become a stronger and more independent person, not a whining person!!! So many people out there do not have the chance to study, and now you have the chance to even enter one of the best woman’s college, so shut up and be thankful!!
You are so kia su!
hope u get my good intention, and be a better person
you know what’s really sad? when i take a plunge to talk about something very personal and get comments like yours. sigh don’t even know what to say.
i don’t intend to sound mean, but it seems like you’re merely envious. suet has said in the past that she’s thankful and proud to be studying where she is, but she’s now feeling the strain of too much work. it’s killing her passion to learn. that’s not kiasu at all. nor is it seeking attention/envy if she feels like her friends have let her down. sure, it may be her fault and not her friends’, but that doesn’t mean she wants our attention or envy.
helloyoumakealotofsensebutyoustillsuckokbye
the above comment is meant for yy…not ooib (the cute n understanding bf) lol
yy, i assume you’re also studying in said one of the best woman’s [sic] college and happen to be in the same dorm/room/class/whatever as suet to be able to make such ignoramus, judgemental comment. do you personally know suet in her entirety? if not, perhaps you’re the one who should shut up.
as you grow up, blogging is something you only want to do when you have something to say.. so feel free to blog whenever and it is not a obligation to blog.
i think you understand what i mean. funny isnt it? when you are younger, you always want to grow up and wants time to pass faster. but when you are older, you are so busy, you dont have enough time to accomplish all the task you wanted complete!
anyway, be yourself and stay strong! i think you have only a few more semesters before you graduate right? have some fun and relax… college years will never come back after this! unless you are going back for more!! are you?
all the best! hope things will get better for you =] be strong!
i feel like i can really relate to you about friendship and studies. i feel like i’m in the phase myself where i don’t know what to expect from friends anymore because i seem to not be able to let go of past friendships held dear to me which in my mind seemed more genuine than current friendships. i guess what i try to tell myself is to try be more flexible but when i get too down i just tell myself, screw it, why bother trying over and over. at least i have a boyfriend who loves me and hears all my complains, that’s really something beautiful because most people have tons of friends and can’t find the one person they can just trust to confide in. as for studies, i’m even failing now in uni when i never fail fullstop! i hope you get your passion back and don’t worry, you have less to recover than i do. love ur posts no matter what theyre about:)
I want to be your friend. I want to be your first universe sincere, caring, loving friend! Not because you are cool,pretty, different and whimsical(though you really are!) but I just feel like I want to be your friend!
you need to shop together with me T________T
when you write about your down times, it make me feel i am not the only one who have ups and down too. sometimes what you write (like this entry) is exactly what i am feeling too. please keep writing and ignore negative comments. jiayu !!!
hello girl!! i can relate to this entry alot cos i’ve been thinking alot abt friends around me since some time last yr. people whom i’ve always thought were my good friends are.. i dunno.. we’re still friends now but i dun think we are good friends anymore. it seems most of the people ard me are more of “surface” friends. you know, like we come together to have fun & talk rubbish but when it comes to really important things or when u really need someone to hear u out or help u, it seems i am at a loss to find someone who can really be there for me.
i’ve been thinking if it’s cos my definition of friends are diff from everyone else. maybe.. but i dun think anyone would define friends as someone who would judge you instead of accepting you for who you are. i dun like friends being double standards to me – when i do X, it’s not okay. when she/he does x, it’s okay. i hate friends who are selfish and care only about themselves.
maybe it’s all part of growing up but like love, fate plays a big part in friendships and if someone and me aren’t fated to be good friends, then so be it.
when you have fewer expectations, maybe life would be happier =)
and hor!! sometimes i don’t know if it’s freaky coincidences or what. everytime you are going through some phrases and blog it out, it ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS happen so that I am going through the same shit too!!! ALWAYS!!!! the only thing different is you’re more articulate than me to put your emotions into words, and it’s EXACTLY what i feel but cannot find the words to say.
keep on writing, suetli. let’s hope one day we’ll find our mojos back!!
p.s. maybe we are long lost twins!!!!!!!!! omfg!!!!!!!!!!!
harlow it’s me again!!!! hahhahahaa i just realize it’s not possible we are long lost twins cos where got twins born with a few years difference one? at most only a few minutes difference or hours at most…so maybe we are long lost siblings!!!!! omfg!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chill lahhhh brooo..
u may not believe it . but i feel u ALL the way man :/
but hey. cheer up
cheer up girl
it’s one of those days that all girls must go through in a point of time..(“those” as in moody/period/emotion like waves kinda day..not the hari aku macam itu kinda days..wtf)
anyway! let’s celebrate coz we got awesome family and bf that will always understand us no matter what happens
3 cheers for us..hip hip hooray! hip hip hooray!……wtf umm..2 cheers sounds good too lol
am i making any sense? ;_; <—crying face..haha..still inlove with this emotion..ok good luck n take good care of ur health bye
oh wow. ur college workload is really heavy!! im amazed at how you keep up with it.
i think all of us go through that phase when it just feels like the world is against you. hopefully, it’ll pass and it’ll make you a stronger and better person than you are today. hang on to those who love you cause they are the ones who can help you keep sane.
and when you feel alone, just remember that your readers are still rooting for you
june, that’s true
jaclyn, aww thanks for loving me!!
michelle, haha yeah sounds like a plan!
norbaya, im not depressed! haha just very very tired lately
hua, nope im not from sarawak! why suddenly?
sialingling, haha how true!!
calia, yeah it happens to me all the time! thanks a lot =)
shirlynn, aww thanks =) im really glad!!
crash, yeah i know, im having fun dont get me wrong. just sometimes the workload get so heavy and i start feeling disillusioned with things..im not sure, im definitely considering grad school =D
liz, thanks!!
sj, yeahh aye aye i completely agree! i don’t want to over rely on my bf though so we’ll see..
adelene, awwwwww! why are u so sweet! so where do we go from here wtf
cheesie, yeahhhhhhhh seriously maybe cause i haven’t been shopping in a while..
charlene, thanks =,)
strawberry, heya! yeah i know what u mean..sighh definitely need to expect less but cant compromise my wellbeing!
hahaha to the freaky coincidence! got anot??? why so ngam one!! yeah seriously we could be long lost sisters hahaha
mellie, chillin’ yooo
yin, thanks =)
lizzie, im all cheered up! u are making sense! and i love tht crying face too hahah
nurisya, it’s really bad but i have to try T_T thanks, i do really love my readers!!
poor suet……..u ll meet some good friends. leave those toxic friends.
Why the need to assign so much work? Well, as the saying goes, no pain no gain. Usually before success. we need to sweat…a lot. And, i seldom post comments but for this post of yours, i feel i need to. It’s true, sometimes things just don’t go our way and somehow, we ponder and we get frustrated but what’s the point, right?…life goes on doesn’t it? And you’re so right, the friends we meet, the friends that we expect so much from always seem to disappoint us but sometimes when we think about it, isn’t life supposed to be that way? Isn’t reality always like that? But still, whatever that happens, don’t despair because there will be good days after the bad days. It just depends on how we look at things, right? So yea, basically, cheer up. No matter how horrible life seems to be, there are a lot of happiness that comes along with it
I’m not convinced of that…