So I’ve completely forgotten that I have a blog and I have an unwritten obligation and duty to churn out random stuff here. How have I been the past few days:
Two days ago, I was struck with the worst insomnia I’ve ever had in a long long time. I went to bed at 1 a.m and lay there painfully until the big clock chimed five times. Five freaking a.m and I was still wide awake. As if that was not bad enough, I suddenly felt the urge to vomit?? Great. I finally fell asleep and had to force myself to wake up at 10 the next morning for class T___T
You know I suddenly don’t enjoy studying anymore. It’s always about meeting deadlines and writing papers and reading stuff you’re not really interested in. I love what I’m studying, it’s just that it has become a must instead of a want. I have three 6-page papers due by the end of next week and I have no idea how I can do it. I will eventually get through it but I’m just kinda perplexed at my lack of enthusiasm these days.
I woke up today with a really bad stabbing pain somewhere near my ovaries? uterus? I don’t know how to describe it but it’s really bothering me. I’m still alive and can still walk but I’m kind of worried, not because I might die but because if this pain persists, HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO FINISH MY PAPERS???
I don’t know what is your concept of friendship and I don’t know if I have one myself but recently I’ve been getting increasingly disillusioned in what I perceive to be a true friendship. I constantly delude myself into having too high an expectation for my friends and it has so far just led to disappointments over and over again. I used to be a very confident person and I used to believe in the things I do. But an extremely bad episode with certain people threw me off the cliff and shattered my self-belief permanently.
After that, all I asked for was just to have drama-free friends. I cannot deal with that blow again and I just wanted people who wouldn’t take what I confide in them and shout it out for people to hear. I don’t need to be around such poison that is slowly eating me alive as a person. Personal attacks on the principles I hold dear to, on the things I do, on the what I wear, on how I look – no I don’t need that, not especially from people I trust.
Then I found people who are drama-free. People who don’t listen attentively to what you say only to spin around and whisper a twisted concoction to the person next to them. But these people come with their own trade off. They don’t gossip, but they’re also highly unreliable. They are nowhere to be found when you need them most and they take your values of friendship lightly.
At least with the former type, they are always there for you. For the wrong reasons? who cares, they are there when you need them.
So when it comes down to this, what is it going to be?
Despite all these negative emotions, I’m feeling strangely calm and relaxed in a weird way. I used to be so tensed.. so stressed all the time. But these days I’m like a big blob, blobbing its way with the flow of things. Maybe I know some things will always remain the way it is so no point pulling my hair out because of it.
All that said, I’m sorry I’ve been quite different lately. Perhaps not so funny, maybe a little not so sohai and wtf anymore, but I assure you in essence I’m still the same person. It’s just all this trying to discover who I am/growing up/testing my limits phase.
I have a very controversial issue I want to talk about, about people who are selling their souls to private, unethical, profit-making firms, but I will leave that for another day. I need to finish the 350 page book for my paper due in a few days argh!!!!!!! College is not only taking away my money but my happiness and zest for life! Why the need to assign so much work??