When I was 14, I used to listen to Ayumi Hamasaki before I slept every single night. My uncle had given me a very cool portable CD player and someone had loaned me his Ayumi album. Computers and internet did not exist for me then so this was my sole cherished entertainment.
Every night, I put the CD delicately into the player, turned off the light and listened to the entire album over and over again.
Everything seemed so complicated yet simple back then. Every night as I embarked on my nightly ritual, I listened to her belting out her emotions while I thought of my life. I was still in Form 2 and I had a boyfriend for the first time. Everyday was so different in school, the “ooh he’s standing outside his class door let me pretend I need to go to the toilet so I can say hi to him”, the childish drama with friends that pulled us closer together, the constant learning about myself and people around me – everything was just so exciting.
Yesterday for the first time in many years, I put on my headphones before I slept and listened to Ayumi again. The extremely familiar tune brought back a surge of lost memories and feelings. I almost felt like I was transported back to the time when I was 14 and was just an innocent girl listening to her lullaby. It was like I just discovered time travel and could go back to the past.
I didn’t even know what the lyrics meant and I still don’t, but they meant so much to me than any other song would ever mean. Every single word brought forth one tiny emotion attached to it, one small piece of the 14 year old me. It was such a beautiful feeling and I don’t know how to describe it any better with words. No worries of my future career prospects, no worries of fulfilling expectations and roles, no worries of being able to fend for myself in this big scary world.
Sometimes I feel so conflicted. I can’t wait to grow up and do adult things instead of being in this constant bubble of studying and doing assignments but at the same time, I keep wanting to pull myself back to the simplicity that was the “oh he’s standing outside the door I should go to the toilet now”. Sometimes, I feel like there are so many years left to live when all I’m contented with is to just lay on my bed with the lights off and listen to Ayumi. It’s like..oh I’ve done that, that something that brought me so much inexplicable yet simple joy that life is for and now I’m done.
Aiya I don’t know how to make it not sound this emo wtf. I’m not trying to be emo contrary to popular belief..(I’m the least emo person in real life) (despite my new emo hair wtf) I’m pretty damned contented with my life right now, just that those simple joys no longer exist. Everything seems so convoluted now (or appear to be despite its underlying simplicity)
I’ve always thought of attempting to write about my feeling when I listen to Ayumi again but I had avoided doing so for fear of not doing justice to the beauty and intricacy of that feeling. It’s like smelling something that what was once so familiar to you randomly on the street only to have those memories attached to it come flooding back. What an incredibly rare, but extremely beautiful feeling 🙂