March 6th, 2010
You were…
When I was 14, I used to listen to Ayumi Hamasaki before I slept every single night. My uncle had given me a very cool portable CD player and someone had loaned me his Ayumi album. Computers and internet did not exist for me then so this was my sole cherished entertainment.
Every night, I put the CD delicately into the player, turned off the light and listened to the entire album over and over again.
Everything seemed so complicated yet simple back then. Every night as I embarked on my nightly ritual, I listened to her belting out her emotions while I thought of my life. I was still in Form 2 and I had a boyfriend for the first time. Everyday was so different in school, the “ooh he’s standing outside his class door let me pretend I need to go to the toilet so I can say hi to him”, the childish drama with friends that pulled us closer together, the constant learning about myself and people around me – everything was just so exciting.
Yesterday for the first time in many years, I put on my headphones before I slept and listened to Ayumi again. The extremely familiar tune brought back a surge of lost memories and feelings. I almost felt like I was transported back to the time when I was 14 and was just an innocent girl listening to her lullaby. It was like I just discovered time travel and could go back to the past.
I didn’t even know what the lyrics meant and I still don’t, but they meant so much to me than any other song would ever mean. Every single word brought forth one tiny emotion attached to it, one small piece of the 14 year old me. It was such a beautiful feeling and I don’t know how to describe it any better with words. No worries of my future career prospects, no worries of fulfilling expectations and roles, no worries of being able to fend for myself in this big scary world.
Sometimes I feel so conflicted. I can’t wait to grow up and do adult things instead of being in this constant bubble of studying and doing assignments but at the same time, I keep wanting to pull myself back to the simplicity that was the “oh he’s standing outside the door I should go to the toilet now”. Sometimes, I feel like there are so many years left to live when all I’m contented with is to just lay on my bed with the lights off and listen to Ayumi. It’s like..oh I’ve done that, that something that brought me so much inexplicable yet simple joy that life is for and now I’m done.
Aiya I don’t know how to make it not sound this emo wtf. I’m not trying to be emo contrary to popular belief..(I’m the least emo person in real life) (despite my new emo hair wtf) I’m pretty damned contented with my life right now, just that those simple joys no longer exist. Everything seems so convoluted now (or appear to be despite its underlying simplicity)
I’ve always thought of attempting to write about my feeling when I listen to Ayumi again but I had avoided doing so for fear of not doing justice to the beauty and intricacy of that feeling. It’s like smelling something that what was once so familiar to you randomly on the street only to have those memories attached to it come flooding back. What an incredibly rare, but extremely beautiful feeling 
静寂に包まれた瞬間に
襲ってくる
優しくて温かすぎる
思い出が
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I love this post a lot.
Sounds like something I wrote for my assignment for Music and Health. I guess music does makes you healthy.
i feel u!!!
that’s exactly how i am feeling now.
Sometimes i wish i had a remote control for time so i can fast forward or pause or even rewind time as i like.
Hais. guess this is part and parcel of growing up. ;(
Nice
I find that music can really transport me back to the time period in which I heard a particular song or liked a particular artist.
Just as it is Ayumi for you, my nostalgia time travel song is Jason Mraz’s ‘The Remedy’. I also had a phase back then, where I’d turn on the radio the whole night long. I would always wake up about the same time every middle of the night to ‘The Remedy’s playing.
And yah that’s when I realised that the station must have have some latenight playlist they played every single night. Lazy people lol.
My favourite post yet!
double double triple triple thumbsss UP UP UP !!!! <3
This is deep and thoughtful. Should be sent to the TheStar, Lifestyle section. Anyway, I know what you mean. Thinking 10 years back, I could never believe how things have changed. Where I am now is not anywhere near what I have predicted 10 yrs ago. So this is life. =)
totally understand how u feel right now cause me myself is now under undergoing this phase too. i’m now in my final semester of my study and the uncertainties about my future really affect me in a lot of ways. from someone who’s very positive and optimist into someone who is very pesimist about everything. even my relationship with my bf was affected but luckily, we have sorted things out. =)
when i was young, i was so excited to grow up but now i miss my childhood so much… those carefree moments. i’m still yearning for simplicity in life.
so suet, be strong ya… u will get through this very soon.*HUGS*
i tried to write an emo post about my best friend but failed. many times i still fail. but if i don’t write that post in an emo tone it wont work! so sometimes emo is good too. hahaha… as long as there’s a balance; everything is fine i guess. (:
i understand how u feel abt being connected to a past by just listening to songs. in my case, i felt myself pulled back into the past by looking at places and road and sometimes songs too..
it’s a weird feeling sometimes and a bit of deja vu.
I love this post Suet!
i am having the same feeling as you do these days.
cant help but to feel emo.but after reading your posts,i feel like it really connect to what i am going through right now.Thumbs up! <3
You know sometimes I think you’re quite influential. Like what you wrote can actually affect what others are thinking. That’s why many ppl relate your case to them.. So when you emo, you made everyone emo too.
cheers up!
Mungking nanti is my form 4 song ._.
okay this is eerie but I swear I had that SAME feeling just now walking back! I was plugged into radio and on came Jay Chou crooning ‘Long Juan Feng’. That was like my favourite song during my secondary school days and I just totally lost myself in those feelings pouring back, and I even thought to myself about how innocent those times were. despite all the childish quarrels and crazy crushes all round.
(okay i just read and it seems like everyone else also experienced the same thing. lol.)
wanna grow up but at the same time trying to avoid the complicated stuffs adults do… haih… E
aww that’s sweet
tee hee at the “oh he’s standing outside the door I should go to the toilet now” ;]
i understand. i got a whole playlist in my mp3 listing all ballads i ever known from ayumi. i listen to them everyday i drive home through the traffic jam from work. sometimes the sweet melody yet sad voice projection from her makes me cry yet happy.
i like this!
i hate growing up, sigh.
Nice blog you have and btw, i think you have a good blog better than cindy teh.
ahhh I ♥ ayumi too! I used to listen to “Carols” over and over again..
Nicely written. Mine’s not a song though. Its more of a smell. For some reason, medicated shampoo smells (the one that is pink in color and smells like a clinic) brings me back to my childhood.. then again.. yeah.. I do remember now. I kept one of those wind up toys that play lullaby music for about 12-15 years after I was a toddler. That reminded me a lot of my childhood too.
boringggggg
michelle, thanks
yeah it really does!
fei, yeah it kinda sucks!!
yuin, yeah i had a mraz phase too haha!
sheepareus, thanks!
jaclyn, aww thankss!!
ting, haha thestar!! so good meh! funny how i’ve never predicted how i would be like 10 years from then..
yin, yeah i hear you. thanks a lot, good luck to u too!
cindy, then just beremo only la! being emo makes me feel good wtf
amanda, yeah deja vu, that’s the word to describe how i feel!
shirley, thanks =) i hope everything is well for you!
ruby, awww thanks that’s such a BIGGGG compliment for me!!!! i dont want ppl to emo because of me though!
j, aww it was mine too!!!
joce, jay chou and lee hom were my form 3 songs *big wet eyes. nostalgiaaaa.
erlinda, le sigh
chocalita, haha yeah the woes of those days
yumii, her ballads are sooo nice!!
mell, yeah we all do =(
vivi, err why suddenly wtf
sophia, carols is soooo nice!!!
camy, i want to study the psychology of memories! wtf
dramaqueen, u lah boring wtf
i know what you mean
but chin up! life is an adventure XD
being content is good ..and by that God will bless you more ^^
people find peace when their heart is content.
I got bumped into your blog while searching for testimony from those who had went for Korea trip.
cheers n chill out~
Hi, I love this post very very much! Your blog is awesome. I <3 it! Honestly, I agree with Ting Ting (no. 6), you should send this to the Star
FYI, this is my first time commenting at your blog and you know what? I`m just a 12-year-old girl xD
xx Michelle
if this were a FB note, i’ll “Like” it a million times!
michelle, awwww thank you so much!!!
hylda, you know what? i just put it up on FB. thank you so much i can’t tell you how much i appreciate your comment
More often than not I tend not to create comments on websites, however I have to mention that this post really pushed me to take some action. Very remarkable content.