I have a dream

Sometimes I feel like I’m supposed to achieve much more than this, much more than just doing well in college and hoping that I will get a good job in the future. I feel like my purpose in this world is bigger than just getting a good job that will guarantee me a stable income and let me have a nice little family in a nice little city. Sometimes I know I’m meant to do bigger things, that I have what it takes to change a lot of things. Sometimes I feel so dissatisfied and constricted in my current environment, and that I can’t wait to pop this bubble I’m in and venture to do more meaningful things in my life.

But that sometimes is so rare these days. I feel that as the second ticks by, those rare moments are like those poppable bubbles in a bubble wrap being popped one by one as time goes by. Those passionate moments of changing the world and saving mankind are being replaced with more realistic thoughts of fulfilling my own selfish needs as I grow up.

This has to stop. Whichever god you believe in, I don’t think he or she is very pleased with the fact that the world has turned into an every man for himself kinda world. This is not the world I believe in and it’s saddening how increasingly true this is as I see more and more of it each day.

I’m not a very strong and ambitious person. I’m not the Hilary Clinton type nor am I the Mother Theresa type. I can never be a politician nor will I ever be a successful and powerful businesswoman. But I know that I’m not meant to sit behind a cubicle in a 9-5 job looking forward to my paycheck every month so I can pay off my mortgage and my car loan. I know I’m not the type who will slave my soul for a private firm looking to extort money from poor unsuspecting middle-class families just so I can afford a Louis Vuitton bag to parade down the street.

I know what I’m not meant to be, but I really don’t know what I’m meant to be. I know what I don’t want, but I’m finding it so hard to know what I really want. What is my true life calling? I feel like a ping pong ball being smacked from one side to the other. I don’t want to work for a private firm, but I have to if I want to earn enough money to pay back my loans and to support my siblings. I know I want to do bigger things, but I feel like I am not capable enough to do so.

Maybe I need to do some serious rethinking about my life goals. Or maybe, I should just stop thinking so much. I cannot imagine though, living a life where you just go with the flow. If you’re just going with the flow, aren’t you just wasting all the wonderful things you are capable of? Won’t you wake up each day feeling more and more disappointed and that you can achieve much more than just what you have now?

You know what will be funny? If I read this ten years later only to realize that this is all just bullshit. Funny if I’ll finally be working in an unfulfilling 9-5 job because that is the only option I have. But I guess it’s good to know that I once have a vision for myself, a vision that is a lot bigger than what I will ever be.

400 comments

  1. Baz says:

    you don’t know what you want to do because you haven’t found something that you enjoy doing and matches your values. there are well-paying jobs in finance that are noble, eg. development, microcredit, etc. you could also think of most legal jobs as benefiting someone somewhere indirectly. i-banks and financiers “steal” from middle class folk, but that money goes to financing someone else, who may be hiring other middle class folk, or even poor mexicans wtf if that’s what conerns you. what i’m saying is that even if you think an industry is unethical, someone deserving still benefits in an indirect way.

    sent from my cool phone

  2. ubikentang says:

    exactly what i have been thinking for the past year – passion vs money vs living my own life vs the family responsibilities that i have to shoulder vs many other things. you totally captured the essence of it. i guess that’s life for us. 🙂

  3. bs says:

    “I know what I’m not meant to be, but I really don’t know what I’m meant to be. I know what I don’t want, but I’m finding it so hard to know what I really want. ”

    Exactly. Same here 🙁

  4. Siah says:

    I feel exactly the same too! Doing Uni right now is a rat race everyday, trying to survive each semester without having the time to pause and do something really meaningful. I’m glad to know someone out there thinks the same though! Don’t lose sight of that bigger purpose of yours =) I know I haven’t lost mine. YET. We shall prevail and spread 大爱! -_-

  5. strawberry says:

    i used to feel that way! when i was very young i wanted to help animals but reality hits in and i ended up in a 9-5 desk cos it puts food on the table. i dun work to buy luxury bags or whatever, just for a living. but lately, lately this feeling of “where would i be if i had followed my dreams then?” keeps becoming stronger and stronger. it may be good from another perspective, like i finally got this “urge” to just heck everything and just do what i really want to do, but the saddest thing is i’ve already wasted my youth in the 9-5 job, that golden period when you have energy, the dreams, the faith, the hopes and everything to go conquer the world and change the world in what little ways you can. i am living my life exactly the way i dun like it – go with the flow. i can just foresee myself when i am 80 yrs old, lying on my bed and wondering if i had chosen my life another way, would i feel happier and fulfilled in my life? how do you even know if your life is fulfilled or happy when you only get 1 shot at it, and u dunno what you’ve missed when you choose this option instead of another?
    haha sorry for the long emo post but what i want to tell you here, Suet Li, is i used to think like you too but unfortunately reality beat me down. looking back at my life, i knew what i could have differently. the most important thing is find your own passion and find a way to make reality and your passion exist mutually. we need money to make a living, that’s a fact, but you can make money by doing something you immensely enjoy, even though it pays little but the feeling you get from it is priceless.
    you can consider working with kids, as i remember you are a huge kids lover. just dun do anything else that you feel “you should do” for the sake of making a living. you will end up becoming a walking mummy, like me.
    ok time for me to shuddup hahahah but i FEEL so strongly about this topic!!! we COULD really be long lost twins!!! HAHAHAHHA hope you’ll find your path in life soon! 😀

  6. Michelle Chin says:

    I still have this dream that I’m going to be a psychologist one day and help teenagers with anorexia and I’m not giving it up yet.

    Also, there’s always such thing called part time volunteering in case you do some job you don’t like in the future.

    My mom would tell you this: Don’t worry too much of the future. Just live today.

  7. SamuelGoh says:

    dude, u have no idea how much u’ve written is what’s on my mind.. these days i’m always caught between getting good results in uni and following a set career path, or venturing out and risking doing not so well in uni; i think about it even as i sleep! it’s especially hard when you’re making money off sick people but hey, that’s life right.

    I guess be set and get a stable career first; anything else, make it a hobby.

  8. valerie says:

    Yeah I’ve been through that stage too.. And I still dream of doing big things. Reality Is cruel though. I’ve got a feeling you might like this song: John mayer’s waiting on the world to change. Maybe you will be inspired!

  9. Joanne says:

    This is exactly what I feel NOW. Not long ago, I thought I know what I want very well. Just recently, I have the urge to venture further and try sthg that I am capable of back home instead of being in the lab from 9-5 in a foreign country which actually comes with a higher pay.

    So what now? Passion or living?

    I am wondering myself….

  10. lin says:

    A Time for Everything
    1 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under heaven:

    2 a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,

    3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,

    4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

    5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

    6 a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,

    7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

    8 a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

    this is actually from ecclesiastes 3..im not sure if it helps..but yeah..this is your time to search:) God bless!

  11. x says:

    Suet,u’ve definitely caught the essense of how many ppl (whos still in uni, who’s just graduated) and currently in the dilemma of finding their ultimate job!

    Before I’ve chosen what I’m doing right now..I’ve applied to many totally different type of courses in uni and colleges coz I am fickle minded like that!Hehe, Faculty of Agriculture,Forestry, and Home Economics;Bachelor Of ScienceIn Human Ecology;and Diploma in Petroleum Engineering! I know I know, these are all in totally different categories! but guess what, I got into all of them so could u imagine what situation I was in! haha. decisions decisions! I was goin to stick to Petroleum eng. coz that was what my dad would have liked. He was actually really happy that I got into it!But my parents pulled me aside one day and asked me seriously whether I would be happy what I liked to do and got me to ponder. What do I see myself doing? I ran my whole high school life doing Sciences classes and art as a major hobby. I looked through the courses available and finally one caught my attention. Interior Designing. Then,I would never have thought my parents would actually let me do it!But they wanted me to decide on my own.
    Fast fwd 3- almost 4 years later, I’ve graduated with a Bachelor Degree in Interior Design!I have a love hate relationship with my job!haha but most of the time I do enjoy what I’m doing.I’ve had 2 jobs since I’ve graduated. both 9-5 jobs. I apologise.I know I’m writing a lot. but I’m almost done here hehe. Anyways, I’m 23 this year. I know I wouldnt want to work for someone for long. But these jobs give me the experiences and knowledge in the field that I need for me to get closer to my goals. Live your life without regrets. Your life’s already so colorful. Keep it that way and don’t get discouraged!
    x

  12. Norbaya says:

    even if u ended being in a 9-5 job, i think it will be a job that you will like and love and sometimes hate especially when you have too many works and too little time. (ada ke orang yang tak pernah benci kerja diorang?)

    Have a great study years..and good luck! you are lucky to have so many people who cares abt you (see the comments, they all rooting for you). Suet Lee fighting!~

  13. Olivia says:

    That’s exactly how I feel ! I know what I want and don’t want but I can’t do anything in this restricted environment . And I’m starting to feel old and worried that I haven’t done anything with my life yet for me .

  14. jewlee says:

    Hi Suet!!! =) I’m really feeling this post because i too have been feeling the exact same way. Even though we’re no where near it, mid life crisis? Just letting you know that you’re not alone. xo

  15. Nghi says:

    Thank you a whole bunch for this post since it captures lots of things that we students frequently get caught in.

    -Long time lurker who rarely posts any comments-

  16. felicia says:

    overthinking can be the bane of our lives or what sets us apart. =)

    anyway, I don’t think you’d look back on this and think it’s bullshit. I think you MAY look back and think it was idealistic or naive, but you won’t be stuck in a hole in something unfulfilling.

    *pats* I can so relate to 90% of what you just wrote. I guess it’s sometimes better when you know you’re not alone in your thoughts.

  17. wh says:

    eventually it doesn’t really matter what do u want to do, be or whatnot. i guess at the end of the day we just do what we gotta do, and what pays the bills. also, what’s wrong with pampering ourselves with some luxury stuffs once in a while 🙂

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