March 22nd, 2010
Sometimes I feel like I’m supposed to achieve much more than this, much more than just doing well in college and hoping that I will get a good job in the future. I feel like my purpose in this world is bigger than just getting a good job that will guarantee me a stable income and let me have a nice little family in a nice little city. Sometimes I know I’m meant to do bigger things, that I have what it takes to change a lot of things. Sometimes I feel so dissatisfied and constricted in my current environment, and that I can’t wait to pop this bubble I’m in and venture to do more meaningful things in my life.
But that sometimes is so rare these days. I feel that as the second ticks by, those rare moments are like those poppable bubbles in a bubble wrap being popped one by one as time goes by. Those passionate moments of changing the world and saving mankind are being replaced with more realistic thoughts of fulfilling my own selfish needs as I grow up.
This has to stop. Whichever god you believe in, I don’t think he or she is very pleased with the fact that the world has turned into an every man for himself kinda world. This is not the world I believe in and it’s saddening how increasingly true this is as I see more and more of it each day.
I’m not a very strong and ambitious person. I’m not the Hilary Clinton type nor am I the Mother Theresa type. I can never be a politician nor will I ever be a successful and powerful businesswoman. But I know that I’m not meant to sit behind a cubicle in a 9-5 job looking forward to my paycheck every month so I can pay off my mortgage and my car loan. I know I’m not the type who will slave my soul for a private firm looking to extort money from poor unsuspecting middle-class families just so I can afford a Louis Vuitton bag to parade down the street.
I know what I’m not meant to be, but I really don’t know what I’m meant to be. I know what I don’t want, but I’m finding it so hard to know what I really want. What is my true life calling? I feel like a ping pong ball being smacked from one side to the other. I don’t want to work for a private firm, but I have to if I want to earn enough money to pay back my loans and to support my siblings. I know I want to do bigger things, but I feel like I am not capable enough to do so.
Maybe I need to do some serious rethinking about my life goals. Or maybe, I should just stop thinking so much. I cannot imagine though, living a life where you just go with the flow. If you’re just going with the flow, aren’t you just wasting all the wonderful things you are capable of? Won’t you wake up each day feeling more and more disappointed and that you can achieve much more than just what you have now?
You know what will be funny? If I read this ten years later only to realize that this is all just bullshit. Funny if I’ll finally be working in an unfulfilling 9-5 job because that is the only option I have. But I guess it’s good to know that I once have a vision for myself, a vision that is a lot bigger than what I will ever be.
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