Entry Six

Entry Six

I’m so tired of everything right now. It’s always the same cycle of things, and I’ve grown increasingly frustrated that I don’t know where the start and end are anymore.

I have a new goal in my life and amidst all the other 239291 goals I have in life, I don’t know how valid this goal will be. My new goal is to not be so freaking affected by every single fucking thing in the world.¬†Someone FFK-ed a plan you’ve made, get super emo.¬†A friend’s uncle’s mother’s aunty’s son’s wife’s sister passed away, cry a bucket. A professor threw you a disappointed look, mourn for days. I have to understand this- life goes on anyway. Stop getting all emo and sad and angry over the smallest things.

It’s like all my sadness and anger and frustrations in life centers around ONE menial factor. I don’t know what I should do anymore. I really want a heart of stone, to not give a damn, to brush things off and tell them to fuck the hell off. But I can’t. I tried, and I have failed.

How do some people do it, I wonder. How do you toughen yourself up despite the many disappointments and sadness in life? I have been hurt and disappointed before, numerous times. But it just seems like my heart never learns from the mistakes. It never toughens up, it never protects itself from future pain.

You know what I really feel like doing now? I feel like going back to Lijiang,

and do the one thing I want to do most. To jump on these roofs. From one roof to the other, every jump I make, my heart wraps a piece of hard metal around it. By the time I finish my rounds, it will be the toughest heart anyone has ever seen.

And then maybe I will be happy again.