Live and let die

Sometimes when I accidentally let my guard down, I still think of you. I unwittingly think of your smile on cold rainy days, of your warmth on my way to work, of your gaze while I pretend to listen to conversations around me. At moments like that I feel utterly helpless and scared, because I thought I knew what I really wanted.

But what do I really want?

Truth is, I do know what I want. I recite it to sleep everyday in hopes that I will never forget why my life has changed so drastically the past few months. If I lose sight of it, I lose sight of my very essence and being in life. But reinforcing something in your mind so very often does not make it any easier to adhere to.

So I do know what I want. But what’s next? How do I achieve them? Where do I go from here? Nobody has ever told me how to deal with life, am I supposed to go through all this on my own? Am I supposed to hurt myself and learn from all my gashes and wounds?

But all that is trivial because most importantly, no one has ever told me the truth. The truth that governs all human behaviors and decisions people make in life. No one has ever told me that to be happy in life, you always have to be selfish. You always have to make painful decisions that will ultimately decide between hurting someone you love, or hurting yourself.

Or so I thought.

I finally realized something recently, that nothing is ever either/or. I was selfish and I chose to hurt everyone but myself, only realizing that my decisions have all backfired at the end of the day.

But alas, we learn. We live, and we learn.