Live and let die

Sometimes when I accidentally let my guard down, I still think of you. I unwittingly think of your smile on cold rainy days, of your warmth on my way to work, of your gaze while I pretend to listen to conversations around me. At moments like that I feel utterly helpless and scared, because I thought I knew what I really wanted.

But what do I really want?

Truth is, I do know what I want. I recite it to sleep everyday in hopes that I will never forget why my life has changed so drastically the past few months. If I lose sight of it, I lose sight of my very essence and being in life. But reinforcing something in your mind so very often does not make it any easier to adhere to.

So I do know what I want. But what’s next? How do I achieve them? Where do I go from here? Nobody has ever told me how to deal with life, am I supposed to go through all this on my own? Am I supposed to hurt myself and learn from all my gashes and wounds?

But all that is trivial because most importantly, no one has ever told me the truth. The truth that governs all human behaviors and decisions people make in life. No one has ever told me that to be happy in life, you always have to be selfish. You always have to make painful decisions that will ultimately decide between hurting someone you love, or hurting yourself.

Or so I thought.

I finally realized something recently, that nothing is ever either/or. I was selfish and I chose to hurt everyone but myself, only realizing that my decisions have all backfired at the end of the day.

But alas, we learn. We live, and we learn.

588 comments

  1. anna says:

    I feel saddened upon reading this post as I too am having some sort of a similar predicament. My parents want me to work something finance related which I have no interest at all. Isn’t life supposed to be about chasing ur dreams? I don’t want to wake up everyday feeling dreadful to go to work.But then again, what if I decided to hurt d ppl I love n I start to regret it 10 years later. I like finer things in life afterall. Sorry for ranting.

  2. jean` says:

    🙂

    Anna: I think its more of coming to a compromise. Sit down and really talk to your parents. I’m sure they only want the best for you, and if they want you to be in finance, it is only because they think that it will give you a bright future. Open communication is key in situations like this to avoid any party having regrets or resentment.

  3. Neri says:

    yeah life involves making decisions which you might hesitate when you’re making a choice, it’s complicated. and no one is supposed to know where to start , no one can teach us how to deal with all the predicaments in our lives, we’ve just got to try ourselves then if we fall , we stand up by ourselves.and yeah sometimes when something is good for you , it might not be for the other person, its just weird, why can’t everyone live a happy ending ? hmm.

  4. Joshua Caezer says:

    Many paths lie in front of you but you don’t always get to walk the path you like most. Every path comes with an obstacle. *sigh* I’m in a blunder myself. Which path will lead to happiness? A path where you prioritize yourself? That way you will be happy for enjoying the walk. Or the path where others come first before you? The happiness of others would be your joy at the end of the day. The choice is ours but we don’t know which is the best.

    So… the answer lies in all of us.

  5. joce. says:

    did i miss out on something?? have you broken up with barry? 🙁 no matter what, being a loyal reader, i really hope this won’t get too hard for you. -hugs.

  6. sweatlee says:

    anna, i agree with jean, maybe you should seriously talk to them about it? ultimately your happiness is the most important thing at the end of the day. you will never regret doing things that make you happy.

    jean, good advice 🙂

    neri, you’re right =) there’s no happy ending, ever.

    joshua, it’s definitely something noone will ever figure out. it really depends on the individual, some people are happiest when others are happy, and some are happiest when they are happy. all the best to you!

    ashley, yeah sigh

    joce, you didn’t miss out on anything but thanks 🙂

    mel, thanks 🙂

    michelle, somewhat, i think.

    angie, ilu <3

    kehrol, hugs too!!

    cheesie, promise? mmm

  7. N says:

    What are the problems? Wanna go live in an island out in the middle of nowhere in the Caribbean and eat fish and fruits to sustain a natural and simple life? I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but most lives are predestined to suck in this age. It isn’t of good quality at all. Want to be the exception? You have to be braver than 90% of people around you and follow your dreams. Braver than me anyways. It’s either that or sell out. I sold out.

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