After more than a week of avoiding my blog, I finally gathered up enough courage to click on my own link and face it while biting my lower lip in nervousness. What am I going to blog about? Why do I not care about something that was once so important anymore? How do I face my readers who come here everyday hoping that I will finally snap out of it and say something, anything?
Here’s something I want to say. I’m leaving tomorrow and I’m sitting here at 3 o’clock in the morning asking myself “what the hell just happened to my Summer?!”
Really, what the hell happened?
A moment ago everything was all fine and dandy with cherry on top but suddenly my world turned a complete 180 degrees and here I am wondering if anything I’ve done lately will ever be right. Is it ever right to be selfish? Is it ever right to hurt the people you love most? Is it ever right to seek your own happiness at the expense of others’?
Here’s what I learnt this Summer: nothing will ever be right. Some things may appear to be right, but turn out to be wrong to others. Some things may appear to be somewhat right, but once you’ve made the decision you realized that it was the wrongest thing you have ever done. And amongst all those big some things, there’s a tiny something that has no right or wrong. You just have to justify it to yourself and if it seems right to you, then that’s all that matters.
okay so that’s a complete load of bullshit consisting too many some, things, right and wrong. Great, now those words seem weird to me from typing them too many times.
All seriousness aside, I’m actually fine. I think these few months have been an incredible whirlwind of emotional outbursts overload and my blog has been downright depressing and gloomy lately. But today, as I finally sat down in my opened suitcase and began to slowly pack my stuff, I realized that Summer has come and gone and what’s done has been done.
So, how do I do this? How do I transition from a super emo blog post to a (potentially) bimbotic post talking about my biggest dilemma to date?
As I was packing, I realized that I’m in serious 100 ft deep shit. You see, I’m going back to college for my final year (DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THIS. FINAL YEAR ALREADY?!) and by right I should go back with an empty suitcase so I can bring back all the junk I’ve accrued in the past 3 years there. Except….after I finished packing….I found out that…my suitcase is 5kg overweight………….
And then began the most painful and heartbreaking moment of my life. It has never been easy packing my entire life into a suitcase, but today it was just a l0t harder than usual.
I did three rounds of eliminations:
first, what I would wear and what I wouldn’t. Next, from the pile of what I would wear, I broke it down to what I would wear in Mount Holyoke (aka tshirts, jeans, hoodies) and what I wouldn’t wear (short skirts, nice dresses). THEN, I broke that final pile to what I would actually wear (without lying to myself) and all the other stuff that I thought I would but never got around to.
I just couldn’t do it. The unwanted piles and piles of clothes were looking at me with big wet eyes, pleading for mercy and screaming in tears. “Is that all we were good for? Were we merely a part of your fleeting Summer flings? After all that we’ve been through it has finally boiled down to this??”
Sometimes, people have to make painful decisions in life. Choosing clothes to bring with you for your final year in college is just another minute part and parcel of life we have to go through. I’ve been strong all along, and I’m sure I can take another small leap of faith and finish what I’ve started. (as you can see, I’ve completely gone off tangent and am no longer talking about my clothes wtf. oh well, I haven’t blogged in years and it’s way too late now to be coherent)
As I sit here in the comfort of the room I share with my sister, I ponder on what it means to me to leave home for one last time. My bags are all packed (with great difficulty), my eyes are teary from fatigue and overwhelming sadness, and..my life has barely just begun.
So if someone asks me how has my Summer been, this is what I will tell them: Summer has been completely life-changing.