September 1st, 2010
Summer wrap-up
After more than a week of avoiding my blog, I finally gathered up enough courage to click on my own link and face it while biting my lower lip in nervousness. What am I going to blog about? Why do I not care about something that was once so important anymore? How do I face my readers who come here everyday hoping that I will finally snap out of it and say something, anything?
Here’s something I want to say. I’m leaving tomorrow and I’m sitting here at 3 o’clock in the morning asking myself “what the hell just happened to my Summer?!”
Really, what the hell happened?
A moment ago everything was all fine and dandy with cherry on top but suddenly my world turned a complete 180 degrees and here I am wondering if anything I’ve done lately will ever be right. Is it ever right to be selfish? Is it ever right to hurt the people you love most? Is it ever right to seek your own happiness at the expense of others’?
Here’s what I learnt this Summer: nothing will ever be right. Some things may appear to be right, but turn out to be wrong to others. Some things may appear to be somewhat right, but once you’ve made the decision you realized that it was the wrongest thing you have ever done. And amongst all those big some things, there’s a tiny something that has no right or wrong. You just have to justify it to yourself and if it seems right to you, then that’s all that matters.
okay so that’s a complete load of bullshit consisting too many some, things, right and wrong. Great, now those words seem weird to me from typing them too many times.
All seriousness aside, I’m actually fine. I think these few months have been an incredible whirlwind of emotional outbursts overload and my blog has been downright depressing and gloomy lately. But today, as I finally sat down in my opened suitcase and began to slowly pack my stuff, I realized that Summer has come and gone and what’s done has been done.
So, how do I do this? How do I transition from a super emo blog post to a (potentially) bimbotic post talking about my biggest dilemma to date?
As I was packing, I realized that I’m in serious 100 ft deep shit. You see, I’m going back to college for my final year (DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THIS. FINAL YEAR ALREADY?!) and by right I should go back with an empty suitcase so I can bring back all the junk I’ve accrued in the past 3 years there. Except….after I finished packing….I found out that…my suitcase is 5kg overweight………….
T____________T
And then began the most painful and heartbreaking moment of my life. It has never been easy packing my entire life into a suitcase, but today it was just a l0t harder than usual.
I did three rounds of eliminations:
first, what I would wear and what I wouldn’t. Next, from the pile of what I would wear, I broke it down to what I would wear in Mount Holyoke (aka tshirts, jeans, hoodies) and what I wouldn’t wear (short skirts, nice dresses). THEN, I broke that final pile to what I would actually wear (without lying to myself) and all the other stuff that I thought I would but never got around to.
I just couldn’t do it. The unwanted piles and piles of clothes were looking at me with big wet eyes, pleading for mercy and screaming in tears. “Is that all we were good for? Were we merely a part of your fleeting Summer flings? After all that we’ve been through it has finally boiled down to this??”
Sometimes, people have to make painful decisions in life. Choosing clothes to bring with you for your final year in college is just another minute part and parcel of life we have to go through. I’ve been strong all along, and I’m sure I can take another small leap of faith and finish what I’ve started. (as you can see, I’ve completely gone off tangent and am no longer talking about my clothes wtf. oh well, I haven’t blogged in years and it’s way too late now to be coherent)
As I sit here in the comfort of the room I share with my sister, I ponder on what it means to me to leave home for one last time. My bags are all packed (with great difficulty), my eyes are teary from fatigue and overwhelming sadness, and..my life has barely just begun.
So if someone asks me how has my Summer been, this is what I will tell them: Summer has been completely life-changing.
Related posts:
...
I like this post. As crazy as it sounds, it makes total sense to me. So much is happening at the same time that this post sounds like I am in your head listening to every single thought that crosses your mind.
The sentence I love the most is,
“there’s a tiny something that has no right or wrong. You just have to justify it to yourself and if it seems right to you, then that’s all that matters.”
For some reason, it left a really huge impact on me. LOL!
Hope you have a safe flight!
I totally feel you. Have been in your situation. I have never regret making that move even though it is heart breaking. Anyways, life move on and when you look back you will see the different side of you.
Cheer!
Your clothes are going through “clothes idol” elimination.
I hope this makes you laugh. I have tried. If it doesn’t work then maybe this would:
“CHEER UP!”
Yay finally! an update!
issokay suet you can blog whenever you want.. as long as you blog more frequently wtf wtf
and i think a life-changing summer is better than a summer where you ended up doing nothing at all (guilty!), no?
*hug*
safe journey and have a fantastic final year!
Did you break up with Barry?
*clings to suet with big wet eyes*
c’est la vie. just enjoy your final year as a student girl! and have a safe journey tomorrow. xoxo
aww girl. i just want to give you one big bear hug and tell you whatever you’re facing now, however bad they seem, they will pass eventually. be strong. hugs
have a fun final year at Mt Holyoke! study hard but remember to play hard too because it needs to be balanced out!! 8D dear suet, it’s okay to avoid from blogging sometimes because i heard a friend said once, the more you type on a blog post, the more sad you will be, especially if you don’t feel alright at that moment.
but always remember, we are always here with you, we are here in Malaysia with you, we were there with you in Hongkong and we will definitely be there with you in Mt Holyoke. Stay strong and cute and lovely all the time! You are are common heroine!!! ♥
hey.. r u still with barry? havent blogged bout it for so loNg?!
nothing to say just *big big hugs for suet*
or… come California! We go have fun!
do take care, babe! *hugs*
change is good. change is always for the better.
Change is only terrifying if you cannot acknowledge that everything and everyone changes through time. But if you find yourself changing beyond the pace of your partner, you need to realise that it is not necessarily a bad thing, but rather, you use it to complement each other.
SUET! Someone came to advertise!!! OMG! How low can they get? XD (jokes…)
Hmm… You sound like you’re at another turning point in your life. Which I think I’m in right now. The most important thing is not whether it’s right or wrong. I came to a conclusion myself that when all the choices are correct, choose the ones the looks the most righteous for you.
And also you gotta be clear about your priorities. OMG!!!
I sound like an old geezer but i’m just 19. :0
Back to blogging.