November 12th, 2010
Falling for fall
The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of turbulent emotions for me. I should have learned my lesson by now, to always listen to my head and not anything else. Have you ever felt like you wake up knowing exactly what is right or wrong and what you should do, but godammit you just fail every single time?
And fail I did, everyday.
Everyday brings forth another set of unnecessary drama with much pain and confusion, all inflicted by me to people who never once asked for it. I watch as my life (and the life of others) fall apart right before my eyes but I tell myself, that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I will be a better person, and hopefully I will be strong enough to make the right decisions.
But tomorrow never comes.
Have I ever told you what I want to do in my ideal world in the future? I want to open a preschool someday. I want to change the learning landscape in Malaysia. I want to dream big and pray for a change in how education is perceived. I want to be someone useful, a true contributing member of the society. I want to know that there exists a reason for my existence, however small the reason may be.
And most importantly, I want to go back home and be part of the change. I have always been naive and idealistic, but if idealism is the sole driver of my passion to change things for people who matter to me, for my own kin and countrymen, then I hope with all my heart and soul that I will never have a change in heart.
It’s almost the end of fall here, and seasonal change makes me extremely broody and melancholic. I sit on the steps outside my dorm everyday thinking about the person I once was and the person I have and will become. I think of it so much that that old Suet seems further and further out of reach these days. The only sliver of thread preventing it from escaping my loosening grasp is this familiar environment I have been in for years.
I have a sinking feeling that once I close this chapter of my life, I will become a completely unrecognizable person at the far far end of the spectrum.
And to be honest? I can’t wait till that day comes.
The other day I was late for class and as I was trying to locate my bike, I realized that someone had stolen it. It was upsetting for a while, not because I’d lost something of value but because now I have to walk to a class that I was already late for.
I think to myself now, a week after I last saw my bike, that how things like that hardly upset me anymore. If someone finds it so easy to take something that does not belong to her, then so be it. I just wish she’d return my bike lock. It has stars and hearts and flowers instead of the usual numbers as combinations.
I realized while having my lunch by the lake that I may never return to this beautiful campus again after I graduate. An immediate sense of relief swept over me, followed by a momentary burst of happiness and excitement laced with thoughts of finally venturing into the real world. As I took another bite of my salad, the feelings quickly changed into sadness and despair. After all, I did spend four years here, four years of my first glimpse of adulthood.
As much as I bitch about this place I fondly call the shithole, it does have its moments. It’s where I finally learned to not take education for granted and to view it as a lifelong process of searching and finding and never actually finding anything but it’s the means to the end that matter most. It’s also the backdrop and/or catalyst to most of my eventful soul-searching process.
I guess I am falling for this place, albeit a little too late.
I feel weird asking this, but have you ever felt like you are constantly going to trip and fall flat on your face? I think about it all the time, to the point that the thought of me falling (everywhere, while walking to my table, while getting down from a bus, while shopping) has invaded so much of my private thoughts these days.
“What should I eat for lunch? Mm that looks good, but seems fattening -OH SHIT I AM SO GOING TO TRIP- but I deserve something nice cause I just finished an exam -I AM GOING TO FALL NOW I TELL YOU- ok set I’m ordering that -I AM GOING TO FALL FLAT AND EVERYONE WILL LAUGH AT ME AND IT’LL HURT SO MUCH BUT I’LL TRY MY VERY BEST TO LAUGH IT OFF-”
Here is the funny part. As fate would have it, I have never fallen once. Not even a slight trip, or a slight misstep that might cause a stumble or two, zilch nada. On a normal day, thoughts of me falling invade my mind at least three times a day. On a bad day maybe as much as ten times. On an exceptionally good day, none.
It’s driving me crazy! I’ve gotten to the point that I’m now trying to accidentally fall in an obscure empty place and then try to trick my subconscious into believing that that fall was completely accidental and that I did not will myself into falling and then, maybe, maybe I will stop feeling like I will fall all over the place.
I think something is wrong with me.
You know how sometimes when you’re walking down the street and you try to plan your steps according to how many crunchy dead leaves you can step on? Fall is a great time for all you crunchy-leaves-stepper you. The satisfaction of having your foot crush the already dead leaf to death, the pleasant crackling sound as music to your ears, the trail of unrecognizable bits and pieces of a leaf that had once lived a fruitful life you leave behind.
Fall, it is truly my favorite season of the year.
Related posts:
Changes are abound in almost every facet of our lives – sometimes intended, other times unplanned. They are phases. Stay steadfast to who you are. You don’t owe anyone anything and no one should expect any thing more than what you can afford to give no matter how convulTed the situations may appear. Feel the way u want to. Fall if u will. You will always come out the other side slightly stronger and wiser. You are surrounded by ppl who loves and cares for u deeply altho it may not appear so right this moment. xoxo
Typo … convoluted
i always felt like i was going to trip/fall flat on my face too when i was studying in this school. but, i haven’t fell once and i graduated. so, i won’t say somehting is wrong with you
Welcome to the new you ^,^
It’s difficult to adjust but in time you will.
You found yourself. You just need to get used to it
Take care!
Been ages since I left a comment.
I agree with Kim ah, I too, always felt like I was gonna fall. The difference is I did. Many times. But falling is just a temporary action. You just have to get up after that =)
And its ok to change. As long as you love who you have become. You know your darling friends here in tanah air mu will still love you x)
p.s. Fall is soooo pretty!! I wanna experience fall too!
your post totally reflects my feelings now.
i can seriously feel the change now, in you
what you’ve gone through has changed you so much, as it does the rest of us
i have/am been through life changing things too, similar stuff, studying away from home, having a major relationship mishap
completely thrown out of your comfort zone, living a day for a day, just trying to live, and eventually, to not care
funny how these kind of things make us end up. always so deep in thoughts, and the way we write, take photos and interpret photos change with it.
i may be talking nonsense for all i know now, and maybe i don’t have the right to say what’s right anymore, going through all this
but i do know, we will get through this, get out of this. someway, somehow, someday. =D
I think the decision you made was one borne from your heart rather than your head; immediate passions rather than than the sensible choice.
such a beautifully written entry.
it’s funny how you think thoughts of falling when it is fall
because you have big dreams, it may upset you if you fail whilst getting there. but be glad you have those dreams. you are driven determined and indeed passionate. maybe it’s time to pat yourself on the back and say you’re awesome for being all that, and let go of those dreams. start from square one again, the suet you were b4 you remember your days to be great. recall how you made yourself great. and try and try again
hugs.
hmm i never felt like falling. but for a period in my life, i just did everything on the mindset that i might die tomorrow, and the world might end, and how worse can me day get. hehe
We all fall but we know we will pick ourselves up again.
i like what lavender said “but i do know, we will get through this, get out of this. someway, somehow, someday.”
we go through many phases in life. this is just one of it. and these thoughts about falling all the time? i think it’s just a self defense mechanism to prepare for the worse. it’s pretty normal really, most people are wired this way. not necessarily a bad thing, but it does take a tad of joy out of living.
but one day, after passing this phase (and maybe many other phases), you will learn to just live and enjoy life as it is.
and there is always a reason for every existence. mine, yours, and everybody/thing else. the reason will come to you
don’t worry too much about it.
and i love fall. favorite season.
p/s : i’m just a random reader. don’t know you personally but just thought i’d drop a comment (which probably would not help).pfft. but just like you to know that it will all be ok
You write beautifully
and your thoughts r so unique.. haha.. I’m not sure if I got this right but you’ve got quite a lot of double meanings in the whole Fall entry? 
Hang in there! Love reading your entries.
one of my favourite diary entries of yours. I love your diary entries. always so, so, SO meaningful and i felt that I can relate it to my own life too. <3 but im a total opposite of you since I fall, ALL THE TIME. T_T
i miss uuuuuuuu. dont say bbm. bbm and face to face is just diff “=_=
reading your blog suddenly gave me the inspiration to write up something
All I can say is make a plan for your dream, not just leave it as dream. And I like fall too, best time to play football =D
Everybody has their dreams of how the education system is like according to how they perceive what is already there. And it’s because of these differences in perceptions, there are many ideas on what might be changed. Get a few people together, who has similar drives but differing ideas, then start patching them up together. An idea alone is fragile, but a collage of ideas supporting each other is something quite doable, work towards that.
And pardon my bad grammar. Eyes r closing
alcohol makes everything ok. trust me i know.
love this post ^^.
I get the im-gonna-fall feeling too! A lot. O_O
fuiyoh…berry’s statement got double meaning…
I always imagine myself tripping and falling, 8/10, i did fall. *sigh*
u know…. i always got a sense of this unrest in you, also know as unrealistic idealistic leanings, or so we’re told by the smartasses abound, prob why im a steadfast devotee, i believe u will go on to try and change things to suit your beliefs and discover more of yourself, in the process of leaving your comfort zone- thats why it is so unsettling and sometimes it gets lonely but it will be rewarding (:
I totally feel the same as you are now (except for the falling bit). I wanted to open a kindergarden once and somehow, the aspiration’s now gone so far into the corner of my mind that I didn’t even think of it till I read your post. Instead, all I’m worried about are pending job application deadlines, which industries to go for, etc. Don’t worry hun, I think most almost-graduates go through this same train of thought. Ten years down the road, we’ll laugh this off while sipping on a glass of (insert name of fancy wine).
xx
this entry in so beautifully written… <3
this too shall pass…. hang in there…
xoxo
O__o too many falling and fall.. i’m little bit lost in this entry..haha.. (will try to catch up ..keke..)
what an amazing entry! I am impressed suet =D
can i know what camera are u using? thanks. nice pictures!
hey i use sony cybershot! thanks
I miss you!~!~
shaddapla
*hug*
Hey. Are you feeling insecured? You constantly thinking that you will fall/tripped, is one.
ask your heart, search it. Perhaps you know the best!
Good luck.