Back when I was pretty

Back when I was 17 and had black hair and no make up and was incredibly innocent and didn’t know how to smile, I genuinely thought I could rule the world. Now I can’t even rule myself wtf

Back when I just started college and was all bright-eyed and eager and much much thinner and had just started learning how to flash a non-awkward smile, I could take whatever shit the world wants to throw at me. Now I’m just this sulky emo person constantly getting all gloomy when I think about the impending bleakness that is my future wtf

Back when I enjoyed dolling up and spending hours taking vain shots with equally vain friends and finally thought my smile looked extremely genuine. Now I take vain pictures, look at them and secretly get disappointed at how unflattering they are, and delete them from my camera forever.

sweat-4

Back when I could curl my long pretty locks and wear a bow and not look retarded, I thought I had everything going on for me. Now..well, now..I guess I’ve realized that I’m as flawed as everyone out there, if not more.

When can I ever break out of my emoness??! It’s getting frustrating even for me to keep going on and on about my pathetic existence. Is it just me but did anyone notice how my un-emo entries lack this certain element to it these days? They seem to lack so much soul and identity, like they could have been written by anyone out there. That’s why I stick to being emo, because at least then I know they’re still written by me.

That’s actually just quite sad.

756 comments

  1. Bingo says:

    take it as as cacoon phase. you will come out of this a better person. a clearer picture will form. an illuminated path will emerge. whatever it is, i believe you will not stray, for you have a beautiful heart. we only have a short time here. dwell on happy thoughts. meaningful gestures. like helping an elderly cross the road. like feeding a stray dog. keep life simple. you live happier.

  2. AP says:

    if blogging is not doing it for u anymore, maybe a hiatus is in order?….i think there’s a name to this condition: pre-quarter life crisis, being young and delirious, lost and displaced persons etc i guess happiness is elusive when there is no anchor to existence, so you gotta go find it! maybe go on a journey, take on high-risk ventures explore the world so you find what is within u underneath the pretty…. once upon a time being pretty and being by extension being popular was all i wanted then i realized it bores me intensely to be conventionally so plus the struggle to satisfy my vanity makes me hate myself, i wanted much more than that….. it’s like in that movie where this girl turned into a chair and said i never felt more useful in my life lol i am exactly that a figment of uselessness…… but im hoping for sth better

    btw according to Proust one gains wisdom from being miserable so be as emo as u can possibly manage, like depths and bowels of the earth rolling in the trash tearing hair out wtf milk it for all it’s worth! then phoenix from the ashes lol

  3. yy says:

    i agree with AP, it might be pre-quarter life crisis. it happened to me a couple of years ago, i had been a predictable goody-two-shoes for most of my life.. it just reached a point where i realized i needed change. i broke up with my long term boyfriend, dated a couple of crazy guys, did a lot of wild things that were out of character.

    but frankly, i regret none of those things. i was somewhat miserable in between, but i realized i was really searching for myself. and eventually (like 1 year later) i became more comfortable in my own skin.. i’m not the same person i was, neither goody-two-shoes nor a wild child now, but i can say i definitely grew a lot from seeking all those changes.

    and maybe that’s what you’re growing through.. maybe u’re just trying to understand yourself better but you just don’t know it yet. give yourself some time, give yourself some room to change, don’t be afraid to be sad. good luck babe! 🙂

  4. amber says:

    i envy those who can go to fancy US colleges. i’m stuck in a tuition centre above a chicken rice chain store having my professional qualification.

    everything will work out fine eventually, maybe more than u expected.

  5. strawberry says:

    take a break sista!! if all else fails, there’s always alcohol wtf. but don’t drink too much wait liver rots and you’d be even more depressed than ever wtf. but seriously, take a hiatus, be by yourself and focus on making yourself happy. it works wonders on your soul. and read eat pray love!

  6. HK says:

    Being a stranger, I have no idea what is going on in your life, but it seems like you’re having a rough year. I hope you find a way to recharge your spirit and make an emotional come back!

  7. jesslyn says:

    hey suet, it’s totally okay to feel the way you’re feeling. i was this bright confident happy teenager before everything started going downhill after secondary school where i was pulled out of my comfort zone. for years almost everyday i kept asking myself “what’s wrong with me???” cos everything just seem so wrong and for whatever reasons i find it so just to be even happy. my studies were affected, social life almost non-existent, and most of the time i was this emo kid ready to break down or bite anything coming her way wtf. i felt like i was losing myself.

    but you know what’s the good news? when people say that there’s always a rainbow after every storm, there really is a rainbow after every storm. don’t be too hard on yourself cos i truly believe that it’s just a phase and one day, you will come out of it, stronger and better. like how i’d like to think i did 😉 chin up, girl!

  8. Yin says:

    don’t worry Suet… everyone will undergo a phase like this. I’ve been there and can totally relate to how you feel right now. you’ll find your way soon. just keep the faith… *Hugs*

  9. dennisel says:

    suet,

    just be yourself and happiness will find you.
    maybe, i don’t know you but i will include you in my prayers.

    chill!

    btw, i love your 1st pix. you’re pretty without makeup so no need too put much.

  10. mandy says:

    You’re still in the search of your real self, Suet..if you feel the happy-go-lucky you is the one you wanna be, you can slowly try to go back to who u used to be. anyways, your emo self is quite normal. probably a phase of life.. it’s just temporary. 🙂

    I understand how you feel. it’s a big change. i used to be the laughing girl. now all i am is ms. emo and no mood/moody. sigh. i hate who i am. i wish i am how i used to be =( so i know how you feel.

    hope you’ll be back to normal soon! *hugs* same goes to me! 🙂

  11. Jodie says:

    Seriously, I think the reason that you are down is simply because you keep thinking about the past. Life goes on, you might have made mistakes and did things that ain’t right that brought you to where you are today. I think you are regretting some decision that you have made or some action that you have done. Come on, if you keep being emo about the past, let me tell you, nothing can change the past anymore. You gotta look forward girl? Ask yourself, does being emo change anything? Does telling the world that you are unhappy makes life better for you? You might not wanna hear this, but seriously it DOESN’T help you in any way. You gotta make like better for yourself and learn fr the past! I used to read your blog frequently, and I have to agree with you, you are not the old you anymore. Don’t think about the old you anymore ok? Just focus on how to become a BETTER brand NEW sweatlee! You used to be so positive, now you are all gloomy and down all the time. C’mon girl, you are only 21, you have a long future in front of you. I’m not gonna say any sweet comforting words because I know it doesn’t help you. You gotta WAKE UP girl, only YOU can help yourself, others can comfort you but that’s all they can do. You have to fight for yourself!

  12. Voon says:

    I’m impressed with the way you express yourself so well through your words. Actually, many do experience feelings of emo once in a while in one’s lifetime. It’s like a phase or something and it is very normal. I had a friend who, did not know what she was doing with her life at some point in time and went to sleep crying every night. She told me that she did not know who she is anymore and woke up everyday feeling that all hope is lost. This did go on for quite a long time and now, when I see her, she is so full of life. She told me that one day, she just kind of “wake up” and beginning to really experience life because she has found herself. It happens, just like that. Perhaps, like her, you just need time. I’m sure the only answer lies in time and you will be fine.

  13. N says:

    You were a happier person with Barry.
    Regardless ppl with kind soul is always blessed.
    Its the last year of ur uni dun waste it feeling emo.
    Your readers love you, many ppl around u physically does too. Get lost in yourself, rediscover yourself and move on to the better you.

    God Bless.

  14. LuVeRGaL says:

    you were very pretty before, and you still are, if not prettier now!

    we all as girls go through emotional depressed phrases sulking at the past or picking at our own flaws or regretting decisions in the past, thinking we are at our worst and start feeling down comparing ourselves with who we used to be or with other people.

    but you need to stop feeling unhappy about yourself because like everyone else, i think you are beautiful.

    life is like that. there are ups and downs. time will heal a lot of things. but first you need to wake up, start embracing yourself and love yourself! <3

  15. Desiree says:

    I don’t think it matters whether or not you were happier with Barry, or otherwise. Okay true, it might matter now but I’m sure you thought about the decision to break up long and hard before you two came to that decision. As much as I liked seeing both of you together, I think once you’ve made that decision, there’s no point turning back. Even if you did, you may in the future, wonder what may have happened if you did not – it’s a circular cycle. Also, I’d prefer to think that the breakup isn’t the only source of the emotions you’re experiencing.

    About emo-blogging, please don’t think that those posts, and only those, define you. Most people feel the truest when they write an emo post because they are written at the writers’ most vulnerable. Plus, isn’t it so that most of the time, feelings of sadness are way stronger/last longer/reminded easier than those of happier times? It reflects a certain part of one’s character definitely, but it need not and does not define you as a person.

    Chin up, fret not xx

  16. Lali says:

    People who think that they know you and that your life would be better and happier if you just get back together with your ex need to fuck off. Common sense will tell you that just because you read someone’s blog on the fucking internet doesn’t mean you know jack shit about who they are or their life.

    Moments of crisis are not always something to avoid. Sometimes it is necessary for growth. But we’ve already talked about this many, many times.

    You’re fine la. You still have the capacity to make your own decisions and have fun.

  17. Rae says:

    Hey girl, just like how the seasons go, there’s always a cycle. Things won’t go on smoothly forever, but bad things dont go on forever too! Look at all the past challenges that you’ve overcame. They’ve made you a better person. There’s always something new ahead coming up. There’s always a challenge in every crisis. But there’s an opportunity in every crisis. Spot the opportunity and make use of it to clear this season’s challenge.

    Although I do not know you personally, but as I read your blog, I feel that it takes great courage to go overseas for your education. It takes great courage to post about your life with so many people reading it. You are a courageous person. You are beautiful in your own right. There is no other person like you because you are unique!

    No matter how long it takes, I believe you’ll be able to move on to the next level. You wont be stuck here, but you’ll be victorious!

    Love,
    Rae

  18. coriollis says:

    I think you just need to hang on tight and trudge on. Life does this to you sometimes, don’t fret. If you need to be emo, so be it. I don’t think your readers are going anywhere.

  19. sweatlee says:

    angie, good luck to you too, so much to talk about! <3

    bingo, ditto. thanks 🙂

    ap, you’re right, my heart is definitely not in it anymore. i’m definitely considering it. but it’s really hard to let go something that used to be important and something i’d definitely miss so much. hahha to that chair thing! quite funny. i agree with that quote, how wise.

    yy, aww thanks for telling bits of your stories, they’re quite apt to what i’m feeling/doing haha. i’m actually not sad or upset that i’m changing, maybe my emo posts just indicate otherwise haha. thanks!

    amber, 🙁 your strength is astounding. good luck to u!

    strawberry, i dont even like drinking! haha. i AM happy actually contrary to my emo posts 😛

    vd, *emo hug back to you my equally emo reader

    HK, it’s a different year, not sure if i’d say it’s rough. it’s been exciting..haha

    jesslyn, im actually not upset or anything haha. it’s been different for me and i’m trying to cope with it, but nothing that’s gonna pull me down. thanks for sharing your story 🙂 and thanks for the encouragement!

    tin, wow as if that’s gonna solve all the problems!

    baz, i dont need anything, really.

    annie, thanks!

    yin, thanks!

    melody, awwwwwwww u always give me so much love ^_^

    suraya, hahah i love that!

    whenpenmeetspaper, agree!

    dennisel, thanks, for the prayers. haha when u get used to makeup it’s hard to go back 😛

    mandy, i am still happy-go-lucky! just not as naive and innocent anymore i guess. changes are hard when they are abrupt. good luck to u too!

    michelle, thankiu da jie! haha but i still miss the old me.

    jodie, haha it’s funny how being emo is being equated to being unhappy! i am emo and broody, but i am happy too. i used to be positive because i was in a bubble that was comfortable and cozy, now the bubble has been popped and i’m thrown into the sea struggling my way to survival. someday i might land myself in another bubble i will be comfortable in, but until then i’m sorry i’ll have to be this gloomy person that i am. well, i can pretend to be cheerful and positive in my blog, but i’d be lying to myself and my readers.
    i’m in a weird phase right now, but i’m not expecting sweet kind words either. thanks for being honest, i really appreciate that.

    mona, aww thanks!

    jean, thanks jean 🙂

    lynn, haha

    voon, thanks, i hope so too!

    #1fan, i’m emo but i dont think getting back together changes anything for the better

    n, thanks

    luver, thanks!

    desiree, u’re right, it doesn’t matter at all. i wish people would stop saying that when they don’t know anything. and you’re also absolutely right about the emo posts. sigh why are you always right wtf

    lali, lali i love you

    rae, it is a cycle, and i’m reaching the end of it soon. i’ll get out of this before you know it. thanks rae 🙂

    sophia, you amazing, amazing reader

    jinrui, thanks for the hug, i needed it

    clem, hahaha! aww thanks it’s quite a compliment wtf

    coriollis, i really hope so 🙂

  20. N says:

    I feel the same way. I look back at my pic and just don’t see myself taking that, if any pics of myself now, or at least all the work i used to put into them

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