Lean on me

When I was very much younger, I once had a friend I practically worshipped. She was beautiful, tall, intelligent, she was almost perfect. I wondered everyday why she would pick me, a nobody, as her friend. I was short, fat and I once got 78% in Science.

We shared everything about our lives and she would often show me a side of her she didn’t show anyone. Every single stolen minute I had with her made the young me incredibly happy, it was as if we were in a world with noone else but the two of us. We spent hours lying on the grass talking about our deepest darkest secrets, sitting on the sofa exchanging stories of crushes and giggling uncontrollably when her cats lined up to listen to our stories. It was a beautiful friendship, if only she wasn’t so caught up with the whole popularity race.

In school, she was undeniably one of the most popular girls. Guys would constantly try to get her attention while girls would die for her to write in their cute autobiography books. When she was surrounded by these people, she would pretend I meant nothing to her. She would pick on me, call me mean names, make fun of me while everyone laughed along.

It was alright for a while, because I secretly knew deep inside she loved me the most and would do anything for me. But slowly, my self-confidence plummeted. Sometimes the jokes would get too far, and I would sulk and not talk to her for days. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her my issues because I didn’t want to be petty and lose her, so I would avoid her and she would get mad and accused me for being a bad friend.

This weird friendship went on for a while, and we would ping pong back and forth between whispering secrets and giggling, to being mad at each other for days on end, to hurling insults at each other.

One day while we were with a big bunch of people, she jokingly told everyone a secret I had only told her in utmost confidence in the comforts of her room with her cats watching. I was dumbfounded but I laughed along when everyone turned to me and laughed. I kept telling myself that she meant no malice, that she must have in the heat of the moment thought I could take it. I couldn’t, but I kept it inside me.

Our friendship ended that day for me. In my eyes, she was no longer the perfect girl I had loved. The days of lying on the grass became a painful memory instead and I started inching away from her. She had built her confidence at my expense, and I felt utterly stupid for sharing all my secrets with her.

I haven’t spoken to her for what seems like an eternity now, but I realized in that time that maybe if I had confidence in myself to begin with, I wouldn’t have allowed the hurt and hatred to manifest inside me. Maybe then, I could have somehow salvaged a friendship that I had cherished so much before.

But it happened, and I’d lost her. Maybe in another lifetime, we would find each other, lie on the grass with the sun shining brightly above us, and be in our own world again.

310 comments

  1. GIn says:

    i had a lot of old friendships i missed but no drama wan. its all change school, move house den never contact each other anymore n even when find on fb its so akward we just never bother to meet up. but i miss them so much sometimes U_U

  2. yL says:

    Your story brought me back to my secondary school where everything was simple and nice and being together with my best friend who I spent most of my time with under the sun and rain. But everything changes after we left school and go on our own ways with less topic to share and less meeting up and eventually became a hi-smile-bye friend.

  3. Goingkookies says:

    I’ve read about this kind of friendship. It’s sad how popular girls do stuff like that just to boost their confidence at the expense of friendship.

    What doesn’t kill you just makes you stronger and for now, you’re a stronger person for the experiences you’ve gone through. =)

  4. strawberry says:

    Friendships that fade due to growing up and distance are the hardest. I miss many of my friends whom we’ve lost contact due to drifting apart and moving away. We added each other on facebook but we know we could never go back to the times when we were each others’ pillars, cos we are not the same persons we were anymore.
    A friend said something which I’ve never forgotten since: People come into our lives for a reason. I guess I believe in that.

  5. Belly B says:

    It’s always sad when people who used to be so close have to pretend they don’t know/didn’t see each other when they bump into them on the street. I’ve always wondered how that worked. Even with ex’s.

  6. yumii says:

    sigh… what a sad sad story. friendships always struck a bitter chord in my life and i never once had a sweet friendship you had with that friend of yours. But I can understand the taste of eternal sweetness which turned into a bitter taste in your throat, just by thinking about it.

    u did not have confidence back then but I’m sure you gained yours right now. To think of it, she might have lost her confidence right now because she realised what a horrible person she was and she might even lost all her friends from the times in school because I’m sure people will realise her true nature.

    well, what goes around, comes around. ^^

  7. hana says:

    Your story reminds me eerily of mine with my best friend. I was that not so short but fat one and she was perfect with looks, intelligence, riches and a multitude of talents with guys clamoring after her every second of the day. Everything you said was exactly the same between me and her.

    I got fed up and left her when we were 14. Initially, I spiraled down a horrible road of anorexia and rebelliousness and stuff but after that was over, I found confidence through friends and family support.

    The only difference is she became depressed and lonely after I left and somehow changed in the process too for the better. We got back together the year later having both changed and found the perfect balance in our friendship. We’re bff still now.

    I don’t think its your fault for being insecure and if anything she should have understood that insecurity and as a real friend, stood up for you. That said, we were all teenagers then and thus highly unstable and a little foolish. I’m sure she didn’t mean half of what she said but was just caught up in the attention and all those things that seem to matter so much when we were teens.

    I don’t know about her but I’m pretty sure she does misses you too. If you ever have the chance to see her again, talk to her 🙂

  8. azuradushku says:

    i’ve been through the same thing too. its hard to move on at first when your friendship ended. although that ‘friend’ had hurt so badly especially when you tell them not to tell anyone about what we have just told her, but sometimes, deep down in my heart i still missed her. i missed her when i no longer can laugh with anyone the way i laugh and joke with her.
    but thank god, now i am completely okay about it.

    anyway, i dont think you will able to remember me but we use to go to same school and you are my senior in Smk usj 8. we used to be in the same netball team for purple house. i think back in 2005. ive been following ur blog for quite sometime already but this is my very first comment in any of ur post.

  9. bluebird says:

    maybe when you have reached a certain age where all these never matter to you anymore, what matters is the friendship and best times you guys had, then you will forgive her. laugh along, joke around, life is too short to hate each other…

  10. melody says:

    WOW!!!!! you are brilliant!!!!
    you wrote really really really well!!!!
    it was superbly written!!!! love it!!!!
    love how she was so perfect! i can’t remember if i had such a friend!

  11. jassy says:

    if you still want to reignite the friendship then you still have a chance but if you don’t want to, then life goes on 🙂 and the friendship she has shown you is way different. it doesn’t mean that she has never been your friend, but maybe, she shows friendship in a different way 🙂

  12. sweatlee says:

    gin, sigh me too T_T

    yl, life sucks wtf

    hong, yeah it is..

    dwee, it’s ok, i guess that’s life

    goingkookies, i hope so 🙂

    erlinda, hmmm what an interesting analogy!

    strawberry, it’s really sad isn’t it?

    tze, hahaha no la wtf that one noone knew until now wtf

    belly, yeah..it’s hard

    huiwen, hahahhaha WTF sohai la u

    yumii, i’ve had a lot of amazing friendships, but it’s sad that things always change. i don’t think she realized what really happened, but i do miss her

    hana, 🙁 thanks for sharing your story with me/us too. i have seen her again, but it’s just hard to start a conversation now after all that happened

    jillian, it’s ok if you know your boundaries i guess

    azure, eh i remember you la! serious! thanks for reading 🙂

    missb, me too 🙁

    bluebird, yeah, maybe, hopefully that day will come.

    melody, she was perfect in my eyes 🙂

    yang, haha maybe it could be!

    amirab, maybe some day..

    jassy, yeah i’m sure it’s just her way of showing her love, but doesn’t mean i should be able to take it. oh well it’s sad

    gin, hahaha nola!

    iqa, thanks 🙂

    sharon, haha wrong! serious, it’s not who u think it is

    jon, i love that book!

  13. ap says:

    hey i had a friend once that i absolutely worshipped and went to great lengths to win her favour showering with gifts etc surefire way to make someone secretly abhor u…. i guess with objects of affection it heightens your insecurities and i hadnt any confidence to begin with so she ignored me and i sank into a deep depression until now lol ok until i found new friends but even now i find it hard to be chummy with her again(she made me an apology after we’re all older and wiser…..not) but yeah i realise its really not her its me the probleme so hopefully i will someday face her again without misgivings

  14. ap says:

    cos well i think u cant expect too much of others, if i am nice it is because thats how i survive in society, how i try ineptly to win affection without natural charms, but in her case how could i expect her to treat my insecurities with kindness when i had no faith in myself, weakness is easily sussed out and preteens are unfiltered humanity……

  15. massiel says:

    why in the world would you want to salvage a friendship with this bitch? i’m sorry but a real friend doesn’t build her self-esteem at your expense. a real friend would have the courage to stand up for you and tell everyone else to fuck off. a real friend wouldn’t join in on the lets-pick-on-suet melee.

    i’m sorry but from what you wrote, this “alleged” friend was a bitch, plain and simple. a small, petrified, insecure mean girl desperate for a modicum of attention (and willing to go through any lengths and trample over anyone) to get it.

    i’ve never had the need to find a “special” friend because i have been fortunate that my sister served (and continues to serve) that role. are you an only child? i’ve noticed that only children seem to crave affection from their “friendship” circles a lot more than children with siblings.

    girl you deserve a lot better than that hateful troll. know your value, know your self-worth. at the end of the day, i’d rather be alone than in bad company.

  16. ricecracker says:

    suet. i am not disregarding your sharing of a painful childhood friendship experience, but this reminded me of a certain childhood friend i had who somehow conned me into exchanging self thought-up dirty stories with them wtf.

  17. andrea says:

    i really liked your post, and it’s kinda something i’ve experienced before too.

    I had this group of friends in college and we were one whole happy gang of people. Just recently, a new girl came into the picture and I guess they decided that she’s funnier and everyother thing; so just like that our happy family became not so happy anymore. Now, I don’t really talk to them cause I realized how two-faced they are.
    I guess the only constant in life is change and what doesn’t kill us only makes a stronger.

  18. yy says:

    i had a friend like that in primary school, though not quite the same. she was a new transfer student, eurasian mixed and extremely pretty, and out of all people she decided to be best friends with me.. we had sleepovers and told each other secrets and things like that.

    then i slowly felt that she was actually using me, because i was one of the most high profile kids in school (because of sports and academics). all the friends she chose were high profile and she didn’t care for people who were less than that.. and she would always find ways to turn things to her advantage so that she became more popular. somehow it made me sick later when i finally realized it. i do wish that we had a purer friendship that wasn’t based on popularity contests though.. and i wonder what it would have been like

  19. NPC says:

    omg! i have this kind of friendship.. and the worst thing is? all the guys that come to me only came to me because they want to get to know my friend! even my bestest friends doesn’t give a bull about me whenever she’s around. Once my ex finally told me he actually has feelings for my friend more than me.. all my friends did was tell me how my friend is a victim.. hello what about me? no one did care about how HURT i was.. when my friend is clearly.. not affected by this in ANY WAY because she already has a boyfriend!

  20. N says:

    i have been there… I was often the weird kid, having moved a lot it was hard for me to want to make friends, it came easy for my pretty sisters. Sometimes i forget the people of my past, but sometimes i remember. Even now sometimes i find it hard to open to people in a deeper way to be vulnerable. Either it’s a guy thing, would hate to bug someone with odd stories they won’t understand, or they will see me as a downer.

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