March 25th, 2011
Plateau
Something is wrong with me these days, but I just can’t point my finger on what exactly. I would stare into space in class for what seems like a few seconds, letting my mind go blank for a short while, and poof class is over. I would walk back to my room following the route I’ve walked on repetitiously for years now, and poof I arrive at a place I’ve never seen before. I would sleep and dream, and dream, and wake up not knowing which is my reality.
I’m running in circles, chasing my imaginary tail, chasing and chasing, but never grabbing it. I came close to it once, and I was so pleased with finally being able to feel the concreteness in my grasp that I accidentally let it slip away again.
I got an email the other day from a reader, and the moment I read it I felt depressed again. She said she loves my blog, and loves me, and thinks I’m a huge inspiration to her. She said she envies me, envies my passion for life, envies my strength and my persistence. It was all too flattering and I wanted to reply with my usual “thanks for reading my blog!” but I just couldn’t do it, because I was ashamed of myself.
Ashamed that the person on the receiving end of such adulation is just a girl in her torn oversized tee with unkempt hair, without motivation nor passion for anything in her life these days, mulling about counting the days to when she can finally escape from this bubble she has been in for the past 4 years.
Ashamed that whatever zest and excitement that once overfilled her every being have now evaporated into thin air, leaving her grasping in desperation to whatever that’s holding her to her reality these days.
Ashamed that the so called inspiration she is to people is this person who doesn’t even have the motivation and will to learn anymore, this bane of the society who forsakes her opportunity for knowledge to settle for many hours of dwelling in her miseries.
I don’t know what I’m going on and on about.
I took a happiness test a month ago, and I scored every question with a I’M VERY HAPPY, VERY MOTIVATED AND VERY SATISFIED WITH MY LIFE. Funny how the tables have turned in such a short time.
I’m not unhappy, i’m not depressed, i’m just.
That’s the thing, I don’t know what I am right now. I’m in a limbo of feelings, neither here nor there, floating in this weird realm of nothingness.
——–
ok fine. I might have exaggerated a little about how I’m feeling. I’m perfectly fine, and this is just an on and off feeling I’ve been experiencing.
Actually…. maybe just for the past few days WTF.
but it’s still is a big hindrance to my ultimate plan of saving the world.
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well, you are no the only one. its restless and emotionless but we all know the circle, the roller coaster will be back somehow
Cheer Up.. everything will be fine again.. soon~
eh u gotta rmbr that u’re human, rather than superhuman. feelings come and go there’s no way to force it, and being inspiring is not your job nor should it be, the reason why we need other pple to inspire us is cos well we get uninspired sometimes. also u’re not obligated to save the world, u’re obligated to love life enjoy living and attain personal fulfillment, if world-saving does it for u then it’ll come naturally
can’t wait for college to be over!
even hero need a quiet place to rest
to much is given much is expected though 
the horizon is full of possibilities … look beyond that which encapsulates you over the next 40+ days and you will see these possiblities come into being. HUGS
hey its a bit like inception no?
hahaha sounds kinda fun to me!!!!
i wish i could magically appear home!!!
big big big hugssssssss!!!!!
u will be fine!!!
…the hell?
the hell? *echoes
You’ll be fine.
Cheer up! If this helps, I believe that you will save the world one day. With an actual, super chic, superhero cape tied around your neck as you brandish your sword towards the sky.
To create an apple pie, you must first create the universe.
Hello emo suet
I actually know n understand how u feel coz I’m like that too. It gets depressing huh? ESP the part where u try to concentrate in class but it’s like ur body is there but ur mind jus isn’t there
Then when my class is over I will go WTF class over already?? Then I’d realized I had know idea what the lecturer is talking bout. Next comes the negative thoughts.. So yea I know how u feel.
maybe it’s senioritis? i know i felt really down and out during my senior year in college, totally lost any motivation.. except waiting for graduation. hope you’ll feel better soon, cheer up suet!
You are so harsh to yourself!
seriously you are such a brilliant young woman & you should be proud of that~
Hope you will see the light in yourself soon & feel better k!
B
You should listen to Velvet Underground’s song “I’ll Be Your Mirror”!! Sometimes we tend to forget who we are and somehow we should just let others reflect who we are. Hehe. Others might see our strengths that we might overlook!! I hope that makes sense!! Chin up, the ever vibrant Sweatlee!!
I think you’re just feeling lost and uncertain about your future or I call it the pre-graduation syndrom(pgs wtf haha). you’re not alone cause I feel the same too, graduating but still jobless and have a big dream but not confident to realise it. growing up sucks haiz
*sayangs
you’re still young, you’ll be fine
x
Cheer up, you will be fine cute girl.
chill, life have ups and downs… i wish i was as smart as you are…
its perfectly “okay” to feel down sometimes. it doesn’t matter whether you’ve achieved something or not. there are times when you just feel like “nothing” but that doesn’t have to make a big impact on you. its just sometimes you just want to think of nothing. coz you know, thinking makes you tired,doesn’t it? its alright to take a break sometimes. maybe you should try doing something new? like do a new thing instead of your usual routine..the road you take to school. the door you enter at school. the way you brush your hair. your bathroom regimen. etc. don’t get tired of life just yet. you inspire people to view the world in a different way. we all have our own ways to view life and sharing yours with us means that you care about life and the people in it. wait, am i even making sense? ahhaaha
Oh man, it’s always the smartest, most introspective women I know that get depressed. It’s true. Women who don’t think too much are ignorant of what they haven’t achieved, whereas intelligent women who think too much are acutely, and painfully, aware of how much more they can be, and do. Ironic but true.
But this too shall pass. A beautiful day awaits you tomorrow.