The road not taken

Today I’m feeling bogged down by a lot of different emotions and despite being in the midst of the nerve-wrecking final exams period, I also feel strangely relaxed. I’ve been following my daily hour-by-hour schedule rather religiously and have accomplished most of what I need to do, and while tonight I’m supposed to be revising for my Logic exam tomorrow I just feel like I need to seek refuge somehow from all that chaos around me.

I received my Teach for Malaysia welcome packet the other day and immediately read everything cover to cover. There will be a two month-training before the real teaching begins, and the training will be from 6am to 10pm everyday. (I CAN’T EVEN WAKE UP BEFORE 12PM THESE DAYS) but still, I’m glad that we will have somewhat adequate training since I’m definitely not prepared to teach just yet.

Anyway,  I felt overwhelmed immediately after reading it, because I suddenly felt all that immense expectations on me and all the responsibilities that I will have to bear. There are so many stakeholders here, the students in my classroom, the teachers in that school, the parents, the community, the people who believe/don’t believe in TFM (since we’re the first cohort, how successful it is really depends on us), and ultimately my parents who don’t think this is a good idea. Can I really do this? What if I take on this unprecedented path and ‘sacrifice’ my two years only to realize that it’s too difficult for me?

After really taking some time to think about this, and after talking to Dzameer the cofounder and Chaitra, another fellow in Teach for India, I realized how silly it is for me to even doubt myself and doubt the entire cause. If this wasn’t hard or challenging, why would I even want to do it in the first place? I know I wanted something bigger than a desk job after I graduate, and this is the perfect opportunity to do something about what I strongly believe in, this is my chance to make a difference, and I sit and moan about all the what ifs??

No doubt I’m scared as hell. I don’t think I’m strict or stern enough to control a classroom for sure, and I know I will break down and cry so many times after being “bullied” by my students, but I know I’m so passionate about this I can even feel tears in my eyes when I talk about all the changes and differences I might make. If I don’t do this now, I will forever think about all the regrets I have for not following through with something I have espoused so frequently.

random picture of a cherry  blossom tree in case you get bored of reading all the blocks of text wtf

Random picture of me playing with balloons (yes i know my bag is not closed)

Anyway those are all just preliminary introduction to what I really want to blog about. I don’t know why I’m writing a crazy long post when I have exam the next day, but I just need to talk about it T___T

So yes I’m 99% sure I’m doing it for sure, which brings me to the next issue. What exactly do I do with my blog after this? It’s such a big leap, from being a student who has the freedom to talk about everything she wants and however she wants to being a teacher who isn’t only going to be a role model to teenagers but will have to uphold a certain degree of moral responsibility.

I’ve been puzzling about it for a while and I’m quite unsure how things will turn out. Because of how public my blog is, there will definitely be a lot of things I can’t talk about anymore. What if my students find my blog and all these pictures of me being vain and think of me differently, and perhaps even lose respect for me? What will the other teachers, or the parents, or just ANYone think?

I will definitely not shut down my blog because I think it’s a great avenue for me to talk about my life changing experience being a teacher in a low-income school dealing with a million and one obstacles and challenges, but I definitely can’t blog the way I’ve been blogging for years anymore.

To be honest, that is extremely scary for me. It means I have to be an adult now, I have to censor so many things that is essentially who I am, and will that mean my blog will really not be a true representation of who I am anymore?

Is it even okay for me to put pictures of me kissing a bunny next time? wtf. is it even okay to say wtf?

I know this is a long post, but I really appreciate everyone reading this and giving their opinions on it. I’ve been blogging for 7 years now and this feeling is so foreign to me, the feeling of having to completely switch the contents of my blog. Granted, I do realize my blog has seen major revamps recently and it’s definitely A LOT more serious now than before. Will I lose my readers? Will I lose my secondary income derived from blog advertisements and advertorials? (I probably can’t even do those anymore)

I’m graduating in fifteen days, and I’m extremely excited and scared at the same time.  A part of me wants to do so much, change the world! make a difference! be proactive! but another part of me just wishes my life can go on as usual, be comfortable in my comfort zone, not have responsibilities, not worrying.

I already said it, but I’m going to tell you right now if anything, I actually feel very very scared and unsure about a lot of things. I’d love to be all confident and tell everyone I know exactly what I’m doing and to show that I’m strong enough to weather whatever obstacles thrown my way, but I guess it’s cause this road is so unconventional, so foreign, that I can’t deny that I’m actually nervous about it.

Can I even write honest posts like this next time?

Haih so fan maybe should just make my blog private lah (anticlimatic conclusion after writing this long post for an hour wtf)

893 comments

  1. LX says:

    I’ll hold your hand and walk with you along this road. In truth, there’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s an exciting evolution of your life. The things that you fear now will find ways to resolve themselves without you having to sweat over them. xoxo

    * reading & commenting here while driving at a breakneck speed. If this is not love I don’t know wot is wtf :-p

  2. And your bird can sing says:

    I don’t know about the vain pictures and all, but I don’t think you need to be concerned about not being honest on your blog. I think you’re the most honest when you’re talking about serious matters close to your heart, topics that aren’t usually controversially incriminating, and your writing really shines in these pieces, which would be a good thing if your English students read them, right? I don’t think you need to hide any of your feelings, and I don’t think a student or parent would react badly to anything you usually write about.

    The only issue, I guess, would be pictures/personal/relationship stuff. It’s one thing for students to know your thoughts, another for them to know your life. I dunno, I don’t have a suggestion for this.

    You tell me that you got everything you want?

  3. Brian says:

    … you’ll know if it’s the right thing to do if you’re equally scared and excited. And about vain pictures, I think that’s a small issue – you’re a good writer, genuine, honest, and not afraid to show both vulnerability and strength… students will get pick up on that, ya know?

    I’ve never actually left a reply even though I’ve been following your blog for a while now, but I thought maybe it’s about time >_>

  4. Smeech says:

    As much as we readers love to read your blog and hate having you to quit blogging, like you, we also see a larger picture here.

    Educating children and building the country’s future is far more important than pleasing a crowd who finds amuse in their free time. After all, the readers only read your blog when they’re free, right?

    So, whatever your decision will be, we will support you. But there’s also micro-blogging lah. Just don’t disappear for good! :p

    Cheers and take care 🙂

    P/s : I have exams to study too but I’d rather read your blog than my notes ‘_’

  5. Kei says:

    i think what you’re doing is amazing and as selfless as it is, i foresee it becoming really fulfilling as opposed to any other desk job. 🙂
    haha i get what you mean about having this deep desire to make a difference, and it’s so refreshing that ur actually doing something about it rather than to blindly complain about everything.
    oh, and i know for sure that you’d make a difference in whatever rural schools u teach in. i grew up in kl despite being born in a super isolated place in sarawak, and recently i met a girl in college who came from the same place. and she was telling me how difficult it is to converse in english and to express how she wished english was of more importance in kapit. and as sad and unfair the situation is, i question if i will be able to be who i am if i grew up there instead of in kl.
    but with this TFM programme and teachers like you, i’m hopeful that i will no longer question the possibility of achieving great things from a rural place.
    haha this comment is getting ridiculously long, but all the best in everything! 🙂

  6. Suzi says:

    We readers will support whatever decision you’ll make. You had been blogging for so many years and really, you’re a good writer. You stick to what you believe in and that’s very inspiring. Perhaps you can inspire your future students too. About the vain pictures and all, just stay true to yourself, it’s a small issue perhaps. Good luck for you exam 🙂

  7. Felicia says:

    Hey sweat lee,
    i have been following your blog for quite a while now..whether for guilty pleasures or mind-provoking experiences, i have always thought that you are one talented young lady, a force to reckon with.

    Like you, i pondered a lot about what i want to become in my life. When i finally realised my calling to become a teacher and forgo my JPA scholarship to Japan, and also a scholarship to UK, i became a laughing stock to my school, teacher, and friends. But thankfully, my parents understood and were supportive.

    So after 6, i repeat 6 years of studies and practice, i am currently been posted to Kelantan to teach. I had so many hiccups along the way, but I’m getting happier here too. Teaching is one heck of a job, especially when you have 30-40 clients who need your attention at the same time, and they have little to no knowledge of the English language. But when you start with smaller expectations for them,and they could achieve it, or even better appreciate you for it – you know it is all worth-whiled.

    P/s. Don’t worry too much about your blog. Just be who you are. Besides, (true experience) students can locate your blog, but have no idea what they are reading. lol. All teh best in your new chapter of life 🙂

  8. bs says:

    it’s normal to be scared right… you’re only human 🙂 if i were you i’d be scared shitless T_T i really admire your courage to take the leap…
    as for your blog, no doubt there’ll be some form of self-censorship… and that’s ok, that’s just a reality every public blogger has to face.. but i don’t think you’ll face a big problem cos you’re already a role model the way you are… all the best!

  9. estherrr says:

    this is really something extremely noble you are doing. i’ve been reading your blog since i was 14 (waaay back in 2005) and i’m one of those readers who never leave comments lol. but you’re right, most of us wouldn’t be what we are today without a good teacher or two. i personally have only had one, but every time i feel down i still look to him for direction and encouragement.

    i wish you all the best on your training and being able to get up early 😛

  10. Ee Lin says:

    Hey Suet Li, I’m really happy for you that you’ve gotten what you’ve always wanted to do!!! Thank you so much for taking this leap and believing in TFM. No matter what, your readers (incl me) will still be here reading you and supporting you! All the best! =)

  11. valerie kor says:

    Hi sweatlee, it’s so great to see you having dreams to doing all you can to chase after them! Being a teacher is not easy you’re right but a good teacher is like a true gem!

    Very real concerns for your blog… and I’ll be very sad to see it go! I want to be able to follow you on your journey. Maayyybe you can hide the archives, so that people will only read the recent posts… which would probably be more “mature”.

    Actually your students will be of a different generation and circle.. perhaps they won’t know of your blog. Just don’t tell them? Haha! But then guess have to cut down on the advertorials.

    Just hope you don’t close your blog! 🙂 Good luck for exams…

  12. Belly B says:

    A lot of people severely underestimate this things that humans are awesome at- adapting. We think that the road ahead is going to be so formidable and scary and it is, but when it actually happens and you have no choice but to plunge right in to it, we always survive 🙂 I’m glad that all this uncertainty is going towards a destination with passion, because even those who are working non-ideal jobs are feeling the same nervousness as you. Derive bravery from your passion, and I’m sure you can do it. I look forward to seeing exciting posts about your future experiences.
    All the best, Belly B.

  13. John Ling says:

    I’ll play the devil’s advocate here. =)

    I have an aunt and an uncle who were teachers, so I do know what a great sacrifice it is. They have had to endure low pay, astronomical stress levels and sketchy career prospects. Perhaps the most dire thing is they found themselves locked into teaching for life, with few avenues to exit the career even if they wanted to.

    So, yes, I understand why your parents are not really keen on you pursuing teaching. They come from the baby boomer generation, and security and stability are what they aspire to, and it’s what they want for their children. Sometimes obsessively so.

    Plus the fact that Malaysia is a shame-based society, not a guilt-based one.

    Shame: ‘I have what it takes to be a teacher, but I won’t consider doing it. Oh God. When I go to the next family gathering, I won’t be able to face up to my relatives who are doing so much better than I am. And my parents… oh, my parents would feel so awkward and embarrassed too.’

    Guilt: ‘Gosh, if I don’t become a teacher, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I would feel so bad. I would be depriving my potential students of the chance for a better future. I know, I just know, that I can make a difference and change young lives for the better.’

    So, yes, you have weigh everything up. Because it is a great sacrifice and a lifelong challenge.

    I take it, though, that you fall into category two rather than category one. =)

  14. Sarah says:

    Firstly, thank you for replying my email re: TFM! 🙂
    And yea, you’ve expressed a lot of the same doubts that I have about taking this path (not that I know whether I’ve even gotten through yet!), but I guess it’s all a part of growing up. And definitely the one thing that I’m most afraid of is to live a life of regrets, so I always say if you want to do it, go ahead and try because if it doesn’t work out, at least you know that you tried! 🙂

    With regards to your blog, I would say keep it and continue blogging. I’m sure your students, the parents and others will still respect you for your honesty. And perhaps when you want to write about issues that you feel really strongly about but might be too sensitive, just make those private? 🙂

    Hope that helped.

  15. sweatlee says:

    lx, that’s sweet 🙂

    andyourbirdcansing, yeah you’re right, hopefully it’s ok la. personal stuff i’ll probably have to make them private.

    brian, hopefully! i really appreciate your comment, so thanks for commenting!

    speech, definitely true, so i’m definitely not going to dwell on it either. thanks for being such a nice reader 🙂

    key, yeah i really hope so too! i won’t be in a rural school, not sure where i’ll be placed yet but it’ll be in KL/selangor. thanks for your comment!

    michelle, i will don’t worry!

    suzi, i have really nice readers seriously. thanks!

    felicia, hi! i’m really happy to hear that you’re happy teaching and i hope we can share stories and stuff later! haha i’m guessing they might not really care too much about a teacher’s blog haha

    mrlonely, haha thanks! don’t be lonely anymore!

    bs, thanks, you always leave such nice comments 🙂

    estherrr, wow thanks for reading all these years!! i wish i can be that sorta inspiring teacher that you had too 🙂 thanks and ya seriously that will be my biggest challenge – waking up early wtf

    eelin, thanks! i really need all that support and i’m so glad i have such amazing readers 🙂

    valerie, i definitely won’t stop blogging for sure, i don’t think i could let it go haha. i need to figure out how to hide archives! i need to take my blog off search engines too, so if you search for me you won’t find anything. thanks!

    belly, yeah you’re right, i think i’ll manage fine for sure, it’s just kinda daunting thinking about it now. thanks for your commenting!

    john, yeah i understand all that, i guess my parents are only concerned about me. well TFM will be completely different since it’s only 2 years and the structure of it is different too. well we’ll see if it all works out!

    bjk, aww thanks 🙂 makes my day!

    sarah, hey sarah! i hope whatever i’ve been saying about tfm in my blog has helped for you too! i’m glad you chose to apply and i reallly hope you get it so we can do this together 🙂

  16. Jian Wei says:

    You know, one of my best chemistry teacher [she’s freaking awesome] told me that she wouldn’t have become that teacher she is today if not for her experience teaching form 6 in VI during the 1970s. She confessed that she frequently cried in the ladies’ when she couldn’t tame the curious minds of those lads. But she worked damn hard, and after 30 years…it shows.

    You are gonna be a great teacher, and it’s simply because you have a heart. 🙂

  17. Crash says:

    hey, its been awhile since i posted a comment. so…. feeling a little lost? don’t worry, all new grads feel the same way… not knowing what is heading their way in the future. steady your head, decide and just go… teaching is not a bad thing, in all jobs, there are always challenges and it is how you cope with it that brings the best out in you.
    i totally understand the perdicament why your parents are worried. but give them assurance that its just a starting point, and that you will think about a different career path after 2yrs of teaching.
    that way, you test the teaching world on whether it is for you and give yourself an opportunity to explore a different career as your mature and or understand what is best for you. everyone adapts and make changes in their lifes… the ultimate goal is to be HAPPY.
    so be HAPPY on your current prospects and if you do make your blog private, send me a password. 🙂

  18. Resurrected says:

    I am not a frequent reader but I have blog-hopped here before. And I must say, you are inspirational, a young lady taking up a challenge which not many can or are willing to.

    I took a look at Teach for Malaysia when it was first launched, and contemplated (and reflected) on whether I have what it takes to take such a leap of faith. I don’t.

    And really, for someone who is fresh out of college, you are indeed in the best position to do something like this. You don’t have as much to lose as someone 10 years or 15 years older.

    As for your blog, keep it up and running. It will evolve with you =) and with your new focus in life.

    All the best!

  19. Lovelyn says:

    Hey SuetLi.. just dropping by to share a (not-so) comforting comment here..
    I’m gonna be a elementary teacher myself soon in malaysia.. and honestly, i’m freaking out, thinking about the unknowns in the near future.
    But, deep down inside i know what i do is my passion, and i just comfort myself that i’d try to give my very best out there!
    Nobody is perfect, not even teachers. So dont put the whole world upon your shoulder!
    All the best! =)

  20. Rara says:

    i don’t think u need to change anything girl.. i (and i’m sure other readers too!) love the way u write. who knows maybe ur student can learn a thing or two from ur blog (u write good english!) and be inspired by ur writing?

    anyway, good luck for ur exam and enjoy ur final days as a student!

  21. Jocelyn says:

    -flops and dies at last sentence.

    I think it’s really amazing that you’re willing to take the route (less) or even not taken at all, instead of settling for a desk job that might probably pay more, which would be sth that would keep you doubting this path at times. Trust me, I’ve just given up a regular job to work on my dreams and have transitioned to needing to survive on my savings. and i must say it’s pretty often that i feel like just gg back to the workforce, draw a regular salary, face less blank n awkward looks when i answer those ppl who ask ‘so you’ve graduated, what do you do now?’.

    Just always know at those times, in the back of your mind, you’re doing this for yourself, for your ideals. 🙂 and work even harder. 🙂

  22. Stephanie says:

    About teaching for the first time, not too long ago i went through that, after the first week you become confident and i’m sure that the students will be more afraid of you than you are of them. I am 23 and my students were all from 18 to 40 years old, i thought they were not going to respect me but they did.

    I say go that you go bigger !, take risks, make mistakes, do what you want, etc. It is better to try something and regret it later than never at all. I’m sure you can always go back to normal life in case you feel like doing it.

    Animos ! Buena suerte.

  23. John Ling says:

    john, yeah i understand all that, i guess my parents are only concerned about me. well TFM will be completely different since it’s only 2 years and the structure of it is different too. well we’ll see if it all works out!

    I’m sure it will, and I’m sure that, in time, your parents will come to understand and accept why you need to do this.

  24. Chaitra says:

    Hi Suet Li,

    I’m so glad that we got an opportunity to converse. 🙂 All your concerns were valid and I understand that because that’s exactly where I stood a year ago. I think, this quote below was what finally did me in…

    “When an individual can look around and see a connection between a man that has too much bread and the man that has too little, then it becomes his/her obligation to take action. Teaching was my way of action” – Mariyam Farooq, Teach For America Alumni

    Congrats on having made the decision and hope you enjoy every minute of the 2 year roller coaster ride.

    Of course, if you need anything at all, drop me an email. 🙂

    Cheers!

    Chaitra

  25. hui wen says:

    Hey dear, I’ve nothing much to say, because I’ve not a single doubt in me that you’ll do well in anything that you choose to pursue,what more such a noble cause that you believe so whole-heartedly in. 🙂 Regarding your earlier fears on whether this is the ‘right’ thing to do, don’t worry so much about that. Our generation is trained to believe that throwing ourselves into the rat race is the right (if not conventional) way to go. But there are so many experiences out there waiting for our discovery, I saw, throw caution to the wind, and just follow your heart. You are still so young, and if you think about it, 2 years out of the entire scheme of your career or life is so insignificant! GO FOR IT!!

    ps:What a twist, the last time I was talking to you, you were going to apply to investment banks and we were talking about all those IQ questions, haha. Let me know when you are back! :)))

  26. Skye says:

    Tough choice, but, I have yet to come across any tough decisions that are not worth it. Important choices are always the toughest to make. It sounds clichéd but I think you get what I mean. It’s a part of life, part of growing up – changes are meant to shape us to be a better person.

    In any case, I really admire your passion for teaching. And for you, to so easily be able to get a lucrative, if not decent, job in the states, chose to come home to Malaysia and really, sincerely want to make a difference through teaching is so so so commendable! I am proud of that fact 🙂

    Maybe it shouldn’t have to be one or the other – blog or teach. They can coincide, I believe that we will be able to find a way to do the things that we love 😉

    It’s okay to follow your heart 🙂

    PS : If you do decide to make your blog private, I hope that I can still be privileged to it.

  27. yumii says:

    no matter what you chose to do, we will all support you! I think it is a great thing for you to do right now. God knows how much our country needs teachers who are committed into their jobs, and not only becoming a teacher because it is ‘the only thing they can do’.

    i didn’t have many good teachers in my high school years. I can only count an English teacher who changed my life entirely (Bless her!) and … i think that is all for me. But I still believe that there are other teachers out there who really doing a great job to nurture their students and really teaching and not makan gaji buta.

    I can’t wait to read your experience in Teach For Malaysia, and please don’t stop blogging!! You blog is the only one I find the most honest and humane content in it.If you really want to make this private, we will understand, but do let us be a part of it. ^^

  28. Jessie says:

    IMHO, today’s day, i think leaving your blog publicly open does not go against your teaching profession. With your English and experience, the student will be amuse and respect you even more!! 🙂

    Everyone have a vain picture. Its whether hidden in the closet, moderately being pose out or display for public view, it is the same thing, just different methods. But for “wtf”…. hahahahaha..

    Just IMHO.

  29. T says:

    Hi, suet, I just read your tweets a few minutes ago and I still find it amazing how you have so much faith in our country. You’re right, negativity gets us nowhere. Don’t ever change. Take care xo

  30. imsohigh says:

    “And Jesus said unto them … , “If ye have faith as a grain of mus†ard seed, ye shall say unto †his mountain, Remove hence to younder place; and i† shall remove; and no†hing shall be impossible †o you.”

    Matthew 24:42: “†herefore keep wa†ch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come.”

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