Today I’m feeling bogged down by a lot of different emotions and despite being in the midst of the nerve-wrecking final exams period, I also feel strangely relaxed. I’ve been following my daily hour-by-hour schedule rather religiously and have accomplished most of what I need to do, and while tonight I’m supposed to be revising for my Logic exam tomorrow I just feel like I need to seek refuge somehow from all that chaos around me.

I received my Teach for Malaysia welcome packet the other day and immediately read everything cover to cover. There will be a two month-training before the real teaching begins, and the training will be from 6am to 10pm everyday. (I CAN’T EVEN WAKE UP BEFORE 12PM THESE DAYS) but still, I’m glad that we will have somewhat adequate training since I’m definitely not prepared to teach just yet.

Anyway,  I felt overwhelmed immediately after reading it, because I suddenly felt all that immense expectations on me and all the responsibilities that I will have to bear. There are so many stakeholders here, the students in my classroom, the teachers in that school, the parents, the community, the people who believe/don’t believe in TFM (since we’re the first cohort, how successful it is really depends on us), and ultimately my parents who don’t think this is a good idea. Can I really do this? What if I take on this unprecedented path and ‘sacrifice’ my two years only to realize that it’s too difficult for me?

After really taking some time to think about this, and after talking to Dzameer the cofounder and Chaitra, another fellow in Teach for India, I realized how silly it is for me to even doubt myself and doubt the entire cause. If this wasn’t hard or challenging, why would I even want to do it in the first place? I know I wanted something bigger than a desk job after I graduate, and this is the perfect opportunity to do something about what I strongly believe in, this is my chance to make a difference, and I sit and moan about all the what ifs??

No doubt I’m scared as hell. I don’t think I’m strict or stern enough to control a classroom for sure, and I know I will break down and cry so many times after being “bullied” by my students, but I know I’m so passionate about this I can even feel tears in my eyes when I talk about all the changes and differences I might make. If I don’t do this now, I will forever think about all the regrets I have for not following through with something I have espoused so frequently.

random picture of a cherry  blossom tree in case you get bored of reading all the blocks of text wtf

Random picture of me playing with balloons (yes i know my bag is not closed)

Anyway those are all just preliminary introduction to what I really want to blog about. I don’t know why I’m writing a crazy long post when I have exam the next day, but I just need to talk about it T___T

So yes I’m 99% sure I’m doing it for sure, which brings me to the next issue. What exactly do I do with my blog after this? It’s such a big leap, from being a student who has the freedom to talk about everything she wants and however she wants to being a teacher who isn’t only going to be a role model to teenagers but will have to uphold a certain degree of moral responsibility.

I’ve been puzzling about it for a while and I’m quite unsure how things will turn out. Because of how public my blog is, there will definitely be a lot of things I can’t talk about anymore. What if my students find my blog and all these pictures of me being vain and think of me differently, and perhaps even lose respect for me? What will the other teachers, or the parents, or just ANYone think?

I will definitely not shut down my blog because I think it’s a great avenue for me to talk about my life changing experience being a teacher in a low-income school dealing with a million and one obstacles and challenges, but I definitely can’t blog the way I’ve been blogging for years anymore.

To be honest, that is extremely scary for me. It means I have to be an adult now, I have to censor so many things that is essentially who I am, and will that mean my blog will really not be a true representation of who I am anymore?

Is it even okay for me to put pictures of me kissing a bunny next time? wtf. is it even okay to say wtf?

I know this is a long post, but I really appreciate everyone reading this and giving their opinions on it. I’ve been blogging for 7 years now and this feeling is so foreign to me, the feeling of having to completely switch the contents of my blog. Granted, I do realize my blog has seen major revamps recently and it’s definitely A LOT more serious now than before. Will I lose my readers? Will I lose my secondary income derived from blog advertisements and advertorials? (I probably can’t even do those anymore)

I’m graduating in fifteen days, and I’m extremely excited and scared at the same time.  A part of me wants to do so much, change the world! make a difference! be proactive! but another part of me just wishes my life can go on as usual, be comfortable in my comfort zone, not have responsibilities, not worrying.

I already said it, but I’m going to tell you right now if anything, I actually feel very very scared and unsure about a lot of things. I’d love to be all confident and tell everyone I know exactly what I’m doing and to show that I’m strong enough to weather whatever obstacles thrown my way, but I guess it’s cause this road is so unconventional, so foreign, that I can’t deny that I’m actually nervous about it.

Can I even write honest posts like this next time?

Haih so fan maybe should just make my blog private lah (anticlimatic conclusion after writing this long post for an hour wtf)