Clutter

Today I realized that I probably need to spring clean my room soon. I’m leaving in a week + and I’m constantly panicking that I will not have time to pack for the next two months. Oh yeah, starting from the end of this month, I’ll be at Genting for my intensive teacher training (I keep getting a :O look whenever I say it’ll be in Genting, but it’s not where the casinos are!).

Ten days….this is crazy. It’s really beginning to dawn upon me that I’m REALLY going to be a teacher in a rural school, that I’m REALLY doing this permanently for the next two years, that I must be REALLY out of my mind. I know I talk about this too much these days but bear with me, I just can’t stop thinking about it!

I mean..I’ve been talking about this for months on end now and everyone around me is quite sick of it too, but it feels so different now that it’s getting so much closer and I’m beginning to slowly start packing my life up for it. I love talking about the fact that I’m doing this, but on days like this when I sit and think about it more, I sometimes feel like my knees start wavering and that I might pee in my pants that all the talk has to translate into action now.

IT’S SO SCARY!!!!!!!!!! BUT I’M SO EXCITED!!!!! BUT SO SCARED!!!!!

Sorry just had to get it out of my system. I’ll probably say the same thing every few days from now on, so pretend you’ve not heard of it before and just layan me ok! It’s just me starting this very foreign journey so out of my comfort zone. It’s like..tasting durian for the first time, so scary but exciting! Or like getting married and having children, or like deciding one day to completely move somewhere far away forever, or like falling in love for the first time, or like getting drunk for the first time, you get the gist.

Most people I talk to don’t understand my fears, cause they think we’re just going to be teachers and how hard can it be right? My mom met a friend during dinner the other day, and she told her that I’m going to be a teacher because “it’s too hard to find another job”. They then proceeded to talk about why it’s a good job not because I’ll be changing lives or making an important impact on the future of tomorrow, but because it’s an “easy job ma! so many days off and get good pension also.”

Why I know this is going to be much harder than just doing what a conventional teacher does (not that that’s not hard already): We are expected to finish our pre-reading of a 300-page book, another 200+ pages of articles on transformational leadership and teaching, and we have to run a community project and write an essay on it, all due BEFORE the training.

After going through 3/4 of the pre-reading, I realized that this is going to be way harder than I’d thought. We’re going to be expected to bring the students in our classrooms (whom I assume will be at least 3 years behind their grade level) up to their respective grade levels. This means we have to make sure that at the end of the year, they would have progressed THREE years from the level they were at in the beginning. This is if they’re only 3 years behind, which I would be very lucky if that’s the case. (context of being 3 years behind: if 13 year olds in my rural school can speak english as well as what’s expected of 10 year olds (can converse in simple English, can write short paragraphs))

It’s intimidating and extremely daunting, but I’ve learned that we have to set very high expectations and goals, and merely going through the syllabus with them is no longer sufficient.

Actually I’m getting a bit rambly, and the content of this post is getting so specific that many people may not be able to relate. But be prepared to read a whole lot of this when I start cause I don’t think I’ll be capable of talking about anything else wtf. Sorry if I’m boring you T__T

On a more personal but very related note, I’ve been an emotional wreck the past month or so. It has started a big grotesque circle of destruction, where I get upset at anything and everything, and I get upset that I’m upset at anything and everything, and THEN I get upset at the fact that I got upset but not do anything about it because I simply can’t control my emotions, repeat cycle of destruction everyday and you get a very drained me.

It’s like I’m PMS-ing every single day of the month of the year.

Why this is related is because if I’m all over the place, if I can’t even keep my emotions in check, how am I going to be able to stand in front of these kids and be a role model?

Umm, maybe I shouldn’t talk about this in public…what if the team reads this and think I’m too unstable for this job wtf

But I’m documenting this, and documenting all my rambly thoughts because I think they’re important. They reflect my exact state of mind prior to my journey, and I want to remember where I started.

I start here, completely scared and nervous, completely uncertain and uncollected, but I know I can do this and I’m determined to progress as much as my students. That’s the spirit….right? *gives self pep talk

363 comments

  1. amanda says:

    excited for u!!! i believe you can do it!! yay suet li! 😀 😀 😀 u have us readers here, always supporting here..

    oh n i understand why the PMS mood swings. lol normal la cos u’re nervous and excited and scared so u transferred all ur frustration into “actions” wtf.

  2. anniecpl says:

    I’m a teacher-to-be and I know exactly how it feels when people think that being a teacher is an easy job. It annoys me sometimes wtf.

    And your passion to make an impact to the future of tomorrow is very inspirational. It’s not going to be easy, but I know you can do it! ALL THE BEST!

    Do keep your teaching stories coming! I’m all ears. X)

  3. Yin says:

    I hate it to hear when people say, “Teachers work half day only ma…” or “aiya, easy lah becoming a teacher. anyone also can teach”. But they don’t understand how hard it is. If teachers are paid for their OT, we’ll become very rich. and it’s really not just about teaching. It’s about becoming ‘parents’ to the kids at school, inspire them, make a change in their life… especially to kids in rural area. that’s why it’s really not easy to teach in rural area. I’ve been teaching here, in a rural area in Sarawak for almost one year and it’s really a precious experience. all the best Suet~ it might be hard at the beginning but it’s worth it. i’m sure the kids will love u =))

  4. nicole says:

    No, it’s definitely not an easy job! I’ve heard people tell me that they would never be teachers because of the sheer responsibility of it. So I applaud you and your enthusiasm, and especially the fact that you chose a rural school to teach in. The kids in your class are lucky to have such a positive enthusiastic leader. Best of luck =)

  5. Sze says:

    Teaching is no bed of roses but one blossom can make up for the rest – anytime! If there is anything I have learnt from teaching (and I teach high ability students, which does not make the job easier) is that to never take the kids’ achievements/failures personally – a healthy teacher makes a happy and effective teachers 🙂 and when even ONE person has shown some change, that would make up for the others who don’t listen 🙂

  6. Darlynn says:

    I’m a student teacher currently based in New York City and I get that all the time too! It’s so irritating when people think its an easy job when it really isn’t. There are so many areas that needs to be considered when teaching is involved, specific techniques and all. If only those who think it’s pooh-pooh work are invited to spend a day in the field…

    I understand your excitement and anxiety! I believe that as long as your passion remains and you are open-minded to learning, you’ll do well! Those children are very lucky to have you. All the best!

  7. Diba latif says:

    Hi Cikgu! I’m excited and scared too! guess will meet you next week during opening ceremony, have to cramp all my things in only 2 bags (well, i have to travel to office by train from Ipoh) on Sunday. Have not finish reading pre-reading, plus text book just browse thru, have not finish my reflection (done the service tho), finally have to finish all that in one week! walawei~ really know how you feel. sob sob.

  8. Ju Vern says:

    You’ve taken up an amazing challenge, and it’s something that most people will never dare to do. Be proud of yourself! I believe you will make a huge difference in many many lives!

  9. Cass says:

    Hi suet, have been reading ur blog for sometime now and I’m so excited abt this teaching job u’ll be embarking on soon too!!! I’ve been thinking of doing smth like this but that will have to wait till I graduate frm school x_x Rly looking forward to ur teacherly ramblings 😀 all the best!!

  10. youfail says:

    so you spent 300k-400k of your parent’s money for your us education and you’re going to become a teacher? not even a lecturer/professor but a teacher? and earn around 3k-4k(i don’t think teachers even make that much) a month? so technically, you have to work 100 years+(inflation) to pay off your education. even if your parents are okay with you going down this career path, why would you want to? don’t you feel like you owe your parents a debt of gratitude when they obviously love you so much they’d spend so much for your education in hopes that you have a good life in the future. lol, and your mom even said you’re going to be a teacher because it’s too hard to find another job. OUCH.

    • sweatlee says:

      i got an almost full scholarship for my education, so you being presumptuous annoys me. if you measure having a good life and future with money and by securing a high paying job, then it’s your prerogative but thank god not everyone feels the same.

    • Baz says:

      Your comment says a lot more about your materialism and lack of character than it does about Suet’s supposed “ingratitude,” you tit.

      Also, 300k/3k = 100 months, not years. Who do we blame for your abject math skills, poor logic, and kiasu-ness?

    • X says:

      wow, youfail, you failed your maths! no one takes 100+ years to earn back $300-400k with $3-4k of salary a month! set the inflation rate aside, if she doesn’t spend a single cent on anything and use her money just to pay back the investment, it only takes 8 years plus. you should spend more time to learn your maths so that you dont fail your business next time. OUCH.

  11. Diba Latif says:

    I know teacher does not earn much now, but 2 years experience is priceless. Many opportunities will come along the way in 2 years. We never know. After first year of getting Post grads diploma in education, Fellows can continue to further in masters (can apply for scholarship too). I do respect your view of gratitude toward parent. cheers.

  12. kori says:

    go tiger!

    (not so spongebob song).
    who made all dat Prime Ministers?
    teachers!
    mouldin’ that engineers..doctors..or whatever.
    teachers!
    hail to all the teachers! u are like a red ranger that kick the monster ass with your light siber. yeah!!
    teacher! teacher! teaaacheerrr!!!

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