Regaining hope

Posted this on Facebook a couple days ago, but thought I’d share it here too since I haven’t updated in a while.

(29 March 2012)

Today, I went into my weakest and most challenging class to teach them simple adjectives like sizes, colours, and shapes. Thirty minutes into the class, even with a lot of activities and drawing and colouring, my kids got me very frustrated for not knowing words like big, small, long, short. I mean, what did 6 years of primary school teach them??

So I did something irrational after I realized that it’s been almost four months of school and they still haven’t learned anything! These 25 kids need serious help. So I put them into groups based on where they live, and came up with 6 groups of 4-5 kids each. I told them that from now on, they’ll have extra class with me after school/at night and I’ll make sure they attend, even if it means I’ll have to get them and send them back.

They were shocked and immediately told me that some of them live deep in the jungle and there are ghosts everywhere at night. I’ve been to their houses before, they’re about 30 mins away and the road is actually quite scary even in the day. But I told them sternly that it’s ok, as long as they want to learn, I will make sure they get to learn.

“Teacher, betul ke ni? Banyak hantu tau?? Kat tepi sungai tu ada batu nisan tau??” (Teacher, are you sure? There are a lot of ghosts!! There are lots of tombstones near the river!)

But in my frustration and gungho-ness, not even ghosts can scare me wtf. Plus, I have to show my kids that I will do anything to help them and hopefully they’ll want to help themselves.

When I exited the class, I immediately regretted doing that. Am I out of my mind?? Here I am, struggling with everything as it is, and I have no idea if I am mentally or physically capable of pushing so far. They live pretty far away so I don’t know if I could drive when I’m already exhausted from teaching all day.

But I remember Rakis, my orang asli kid’s face and the conversation I had with him yesterday. He used to be a really happy kid, but the past few months he’s been very sullen and angry all the time. He said it’s cause he can’t understand anything, and I can’t give my attention to him cos everyone else is crying for help/running around beating people. Plus, on that day, he actually crumpled up the worksheet I gave out because he didn’t know how to do anything. Rakis needs help, and I’m at my wits’ end as to how to help him.

So I started with him and a few of my weakest but less misbehaving boys. I got them from their village and it was nice to see them waiting for me by the roadside in the darkness, with their backpacks and jeans and best shirts and eager smiles. We had a very productive night reading peter and jane and reviewing stuff learned in school. This pic is of rakis reading with utmost concentration, and he was SUPER focused the entire time I just wanted to hug him and tell him that he’s doing great. When the other kids were playing around, he continued reading out loud. When I asked them to come up with their own sentences with a verb and noun, they kept asking me for help but Rakis sat there and thought hard for his own sentences.

Rakis

Iqmal, thinking how to read “Here”. Every page has the same few words but he still couldn’t read them, but he never gave up trying.

This was taken by my housemate, Angie, last month when I had the first extra class. We don’t have a table and can’t afford to get one, so we made one with cardbox and a broken cupboard door hahaha. It collapsed and we rebuilt it with tape again and again.

These kids are really really weak, but they are so eager to learn. After this first extra class, one of them asked me EVERYDAY if he could come again. But because things have been crazy for me the past month with assignments (for my diploma in edu) and lesson planning, I kept telling him maybe next week, maybe next week. After a while, he gave up asking 🙁 So I’m glad things got easier and I could have him over again a few days ago.

Anyway, when I sent them back, we listened to hitz fm and had a karaoke session in the car (mostly me singing haha). They were bickering about what was the singer singing, “cikgu itu “happy” kan?” “bukanlah “here” lah!” “bukan lah “him” lah!” (the word was “hero” but that’s beside the point). I told them to read any English books at home despite not understanding them and to listen to English radio stations.Then, I met some of their parents. Some were indifferent and didn’t care where their kid was, some were very appreciative. But they all had one similarity: they all came from homes that are very not conducive to learning. Dilapidated, noisy, dirty..

I drove home drained from the long day but I could still hear their voices in my car. It’s defining moments like this that made me realize that they’re worth pushing myself for, even if I have to start from scratch, from peter and jane book 1a.

—–

I have so many more stories to tell! Some hopeful, some downright depressing, some frustrating, some angry, some happy, some really emotional. I’ll get to them slowly when I have time. Thanks for reading despite the lack of updates!

—–

UPDATE: On Friday, the day after the extra class in my house, a teacher reported to me that he saw Rakis reading an ENGLISH BOOK during moral class. I shook him and begged him to tell me more, and he said Rakis was reading about simple body parts like eye, nose etc and seemed engrossed. I wanted to burst into tears, mostly because I was so touched at his determination. Then I told myself: one step at a time, one step at a time. Body parts now, Stephen King next.

827 comments

  1. Claire says:

    “Body parts first, Stephen King next”… for some reason that made me laugh out loud 🙂 you’re an inspiration Suet Li, and I am so glad boys like that are getting dedicated teachers like you 🙂

  2. hl says:

    Hi suet Li,

    You really amaze me! and make me want to help. You probably don’t remember me but I emailed you before enquiring about tfm. I ended up not applying as I could or should I say would not leave my comfort zone. I probably still can’t. But your stories are so inspiring! I don’t feel like I can dedicate my life to teaching but I’ll love to tutor these kids and others like them as well. A pity there’s no volunteer tutoring programs!

  3. lara says:

    Omg i feel so touched reading this, especially about Rakis. Good job Cikgu Suet! You have made him interested in English. Makes me think how privileged we are living in KL and having the best resources to study. I hope maybe one day we can try sponsoring some nice incentives for these kids, like small trips or maybe even a small mp3 player to make them more motivated to learn English! It would be amazing if I could help 😀 Keep it up suet!! Your blog is getting more inspiring by day 🙂

  4. HH says:

    Keep it up Sweat Lee! I was so touched reading this, the amount of effort, time and heart u put into this, is amazing. You are an inspiration! Please dont give up =)

  5. Joanne says:

    I’m really inspired by your courage and determination to make a difference in our country! Thanks for being that beacon of hope =)

    Just a suggestion, what about during your extra classes, you focus more their speaking skills rather than reading skills. Would that be easier, more fun and effective? E.g. you show them 2 apples: a big apple and a small apple. Then you teach them apple.

    Then get them to say it. Then you show them the big apple and get them to say “big apple”…followed by the small apple.

    Then teach easy sentence, “this is a small apple” / “that is a big apple”.

    Then you use an orange as an example too. Then you can mix it around..show them apple, then orange, then back to apple (you get the drift) =)

  6. strawberry says:

    you know, if one day you really changed the world, even if it’s just one tiny little change, i wouldn’t be surprised 🙂

    well well well, who knew i could actually write a proper comment without dragging in sex or some other lame shit oh my oh my i feel like weeping now i’ve grown up wtf

  7. Rachel says:

    I’m at this stage of my career where I don’t know where am I heading. I’m also afraid of ageing and dying alone wtf I know i should be grateful for whatever I am having now but i still find something lacking. And your post motivates me. I can describe it and I still don’t know what I’m going to do with my life but I just feel a lot better reading this. keep up the good work suet!! 🙂

  8. Mei says:

    It’s very touching to see how you’ve gone that extra mile for the children. Reading your post always remind me to be appreciative. Rest if you must but don’t you quit :)!

  9. bs says:

    suet, there are not enough words in my vocabulary to express how awe inspiring you are. <3
    During the tough times, just try to remember how many of us are rooting for you, silently cheering you on! 🙂

  10. th says:

    u’re making a difference, slowly, but definitely 🙂
    keep up the hard work, u reap what u sow. (wtf, im actually procrastinating and telling u this haha)

  11. steph says:

    yes go rakis! u can do it! we all learn from scratch too, think about it. i can imagine you grow old with a warm smile on your face and tears rolling in your eyes when you see your kids graduate successfully. They will appreciate your hardwork in the future, just like how i truely appreciate my teacher’s work right now.

  12. CL says:

    Way to go, girl!! You’re really an inspiration an I can’t help but to say the same thing over and over again in the comment section because you truly are amazing!!! Please don’t give up on the kids!!

  13. sweatlee says:

    sorry i havent been replying comments anymore these days. thank you guys so much for all your positivity and encouragement!

    things are not always so happy and inspiring everyday. like today, i walked out of a class in tears. it’s a really crazy roller coaster sometimes. rakis, for example, was so defiant today despite his slight progress last week. i try to tell myself that they’re kids from difficult circumstances, plus they’re still kids, hormone raging kids who probably dont have school as their priority.

    but it’s getting very tough and challenging. i just hope i have the tenacity and perseverance to push on further.

    • KP says:

      Hi SweatLee,

      You are doing something that is great but hard. Mentally, it may help to borrow the concept of “reality distortion field” from Steve Jobs where you convince yourself, and your kids, that the impossible is possible.

      Schools here have this motivation jar thing where each kid when do something good will be allowed to put some stars into a jar. And when the jar is filled, the whole class get a treat. This may reinforce learning and good behaviours through class-community spirits.

      The other thing they do here is to rotate the class monitor and those who are too difficult are delayed. It is seemed as an honour thing. They also do Star of the week where kid will wear a Star badge on the uniform and have certain small privileges.

      I also have a chinese teacher here who turns all sort of games (Uno, battleships etc) into fun learning language tools.

      Hope my 2 cents will be somewhat useful.

  14. dk says:

    Go Suet!! I’ve been reading your blogs for a long long time and am really touched at your determination. Please be strong for the kids 🙂 We all love you!! Thank you for doing this..

  15. Jeanne says:

    This is so touching! i am so glad there are people like you out there who are so sincere in helping the underprivileged people out there and I will definitely want to do something as worthwhile as this next time! Thanks for sharing your story 🙂

  16. BY says:

    Hi Cikgu Suet Li,

    Im Brian, i was once a very poor student in class (by poor i mean 2nd last in academic results, the one which was last was a mentally challenged student) but i was very fortunate to have 2 teachers which really took time and effort to go and extra mile to guide and nurture me, every other teacher would have just written me off and that really inspired me to recipocrate their effort and pushed myself to work harder. This in turn built up a very conducive learning environment for me and it showed in my final SPM results with me getting straight A’s. Im writing this now as a 2nd year medical student in a top medical school and i’d like to say that its teachers like you that pick up students like me and polish us into something special. Like diamonds in the rough. Keep up the effort and maybe one day Rakis might be the one day in the future writing this comment =)

  17. HX says:

    wow, i’ve been reading you for years but this is my first time commenting, because this post really brought tears to my eyes. lol. it’s amazing the amount of energy, time and most of all heart, that you’re putting in for your kids and i am really sure that, someday, the kids will look back when they’re grown up, and remember fondly the times cikgu suet li believed in them with all her heart and transformed their lives. i believe it just takes one person to believe that they can, and that can really just turn the tables around. you’re one amazing teacher with a HUGGGE heart for your students and please really just continue doing what you’re doing, and also sharing these stories with us. 🙂 you bring hope to this earth

  18. ccc says:

    i always wonder what i am actually doing. but it seems i am not far wrong anyway.

    A palliative nurse has recorded the top five regrets of the dying. Photograph: Montgomery Martin/Alamy

    There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is ‘I wish I hadn’t worked so hard’.

    Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

    Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. “When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently,” she says, “common themes surfaced again and again.”

    Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

    1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

    “This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.”

    2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

    “This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”

    3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

    “Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”

    4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

    “Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”

    5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

    “This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”

  19. adelyn says:

    Hi Suetlee,
    KEEP UP THE EXCELLENT JOB! it looks really tough on that side that i wished i was there to help you and the kids! you are doing a wonderful job there.. keep up your persistence, the kids will be so thankful for you as they grow up… 🙂
    how and where do we apply for a job like this ? fighting! <3

  20. jj says:

    keep up the good work cikgu suetlee. I feel touched by your effort and sincerity. this post is an inspiration,it made me feel like crying. I hope there will be many dedicated teachers just like you. all the best suetlee.

  21. Ellone says:

    I have been reading your blog for many many many many years and i don’t love to leave comment coz i am not good at saying things that i want to express…Leaving comment lately at your blog, just wanted to say that human faith restored after i all the things that i have see you doing for the kids. So touching T-T Keep it up please and i am sure the children will understand all your hard work + improve as time passes !!!!!!!!!! Support support !!!

  22. Janine says:

    Just wanted to let you know that even if you keep posting about your teaching experiences, it never gets boring. In fact, just the opposite!-They just keep getting more and more interesting! One day, when you’re all old and wrinkled, Suet, you will look back and see what a wonderful, wonderful life you have led.

  23. diana says:

    You are doing a great great job, Suet! Please keep your passion and patience on, your student needs u!
    Will keep praying for u, for perseverance and lots of love!

  24. SD says:

    Hello.. I’m Cheesie’s reader turned Audrey’s reader turned your reader. And you made me tear laaa the update on Rakis reading an English book T___T Go Suet Li! Go Rakis!

  25. wen says:

    I think you are very inspiring.
    My friend told me once “If you are doing something that you love, you will be able to pull through no matter how hard it is”.
    So aza aza fighting! 🙂

  26. cecilia says:

    hi, i am so touch with ur experience, this make me remember about my practical teaching time. i also spend after school time to teach my students until they understood. keep on our passion.

  27. Ef.ae says:

    Wow.. you amaze me! The amount of effort you put in, not many people can do. I hope for the best for you and the kids! They’re very lucky to have such a determined teacher like you. Never give up suet! We’re all here supporting you!

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  58. ズームコービー8 says:

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