Blurred reality

I was washing the dishes when this scene conquered the previous random thoughts in my head. I can’t accurately put a name to the place I was at, nor do I even know where I was. All I know is I was at a cafe somewhere and I was sitting outside on a cobbled road. So I’m assuming I was in Europe, possibly Germany. I had a hot mug of mocha in my hand, it was steaming hot and had a generous serving of whipped cream on it. I was holding a book, it was a Murakami book as usual. I don’t remember who I was with but it didn’t matter.

In that particular scene, I was people-watching during the brief 10-second interlude in that awkward moment of flipping into another chapter of the book. I call it the awkward moment because that is when I usually have to shake myself off the story and bring myself to face reality, and sometimes I’m so immersed in the book that I can’t even discern which is the reality anymore. If I take too long of an interlude between chapters, I lose the connection with the fictional world I was in and succumb to my reality. that’s when I lose interest in the book so I always make a conscious effort to minimize the interlude time.

so back to the scene in my head while I was washing dishes (now I’m confused which is the reality – pretty sure the reality is me washing dishes). It was a very very brief scene in my head, probably not lasting more than 2 seconds in total. But why I even bothered thinking about this incident again the next day, and taking the time to actually type this down, was because of the feelings that overpowered me the moment that scene overtook my thoughts.

It was a feeling of absolute happiness, of utter calmness. Though brief, I felt like that was what I am destined to do, what the purpose of my existence is in this confounding world, what my calling is – to find that moment of happiness.

After the scene had played in my head and I had come back to my reality, I spent the next few minutes wondering why that scene had so much weight and stirred such mixed feelings. This is not the first time it had happen and every time it happens, it was always when I’m doing something completely mundane. When I was showering, when I was putting moisturizer on my face, when I was starting my car, etc.

the worst part is, I’m always left feeling very confused if that scene was a scene from a dream I once had, or a reality I had once lived in, or an alternate reality my alternate self is currently living in. I know this is all quite bullshitty but ever since that first lapse of that scene, I’ve always wanted to re-live it. Maybe that is my ultimate nirvana? Maybe when I reenact that scene in reality, I will achieve the enlightening state that everyone has been yearning for? Funny how my nirvana is when I’m reading a book and people watching somewhere in Europe.

but sometimes i wonder what is reality anymore. The lines between dreams, reality and alternate reality all seem so blurred to me now. All I know is I need to get myself to that cafe, somehow, someday.