So my promise to blog every few days has failed miserably 🙁 but I’ll start NOW!

I’m sick of coming to my blog only to realize that I haven’t written a new post in more than a week. For some reason I kinda expected a blogpost to miraculously appear out of nowhere wtf. I wish someone would invent an auto blogging mechanism and embed it in my head so while waiting for the train or while taking a dump or while staring into space, I could just go “ok start recording. Today I feel a little blabla…blabla…blabla..end. Post” and tada it’ll be typed and posted on

HAHA omg that’s such a good idea! Can do the same for emails and texts and basically everything in life. So the tagline for the product would be “Control everything in your life, from the confines of your mind”

Tsk tsk, such reliance on technology scares me. (wtf so contradictory)

Anywayyyy I’ve been busy with work lately. Have been working from 9 am-8 pm everyday, and they were telling me that when my fellowship starts end of the year, I’ll have to work even harder than this. Whaaaat! I immediately went “but what about my life?? I won’t have a life anymore!” and Dzameer, one of the cofounders, said, “Yeah you probably won’t for 2 years, but think about the many children’s lives and the impact you’ll make”. Grr I hate him for putting things into perspective for me 🙁

So yeah, the end of today’s short post. In the meantime, here’s a picture of a baby calf I stole from somewhere while googling image for “baby calf”

Moo, I’m so cute look at the heart shaped sign on my head!

Lean on me

When I was very much younger, I once had a friend I practically worshipped. She was beautiful, tall, intelligent, she was almost perfect. I wondered everyday why she would pick me, a nobody, as her friend. I was short, fat and I once got 78% in Science.

We shared everything about our lives and she would often show me a side of her she didn’t show anyone. Every single stolen minute I had with her made the young me incredibly happy, it was as if we were in a world with noone else but the two of us. We spent hours lying on the grass talking about our deepest darkest secrets, sitting on the sofa exchanging stories of crushes and giggling uncontrollably when her cats lined up to listen to our stories. It was a beautiful friendship, if only she wasn’t so caught up with the whole popularity race.

In school, she was undeniably one of the most popular girls. Guys would constantly try to get her attention while girls would die for her to write in their cute autobiography books. When she was surrounded by these people, she would pretend I meant nothing to her. She would pick on me, call me mean names, make fun of me while everyone laughed along.

It was alright for a while, because I secretly knew deep inside she loved me the most and would do anything for me. But slowly, my self-confidence plummeted. Sometimes the jokes would get too far, and I would sulk and not talk to her for days. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her my issues because I didn’t want to be petty and lose her, so I would avoid her and she would get mad and accused me for being a bad friend.

This weird friendship went on for a while, and we would ping pong back and forth between whispering secrets and giggling, to being mad at each other for days on end, to hurling insults at each other.

One day while we were with a big bunch of people, she jokingly told everyone a secret I had only told her in utmost confidence in the comforts of her room with her cats watching. I was dumbfounded but I laughed along when everyone turned to me and laughed. I kept telling myself that she meant no malice, that she must have in the heat of the moment thought I could take it. I couldn’t, but I kept it inside me.

Our friendship ended that day for me. In my eyes, she was no longer the perfect girl I had loved. The days of lying on the grass became a painful memory instead and I started inching away from her. She had built her confidence at my expense, and I felt utterly stupid for sharing all my secrets with her.

I haven’t spoken to her for what seems like an eternity now, but I realized in that time that maybe if I had confidence in myself to begin with, I wouldn’t have allowed the hurt and hatred to manifest inside me. Maybe then, I could have somehow salvaged a friendship that I had cherished so much before.

But it happened, and I’d lost her. Maybe in another lifetime, we would find each other, lie on the grass with the sun shining brightly above us, and be in our own world again.

Blowin’ in the wind

Alright, so my self-proclaimed hiatus and all that “I’m not going to blog anymore/I don’t want to reveal myself to the public anymore” was short-lived wtf. Now that I’m back in Malaysia and have been more happening and cheerful lately, I keep coming back to my blog and thinking of new things to talk about.

Truth is, I have a million things to talk about! I’ve spent many afternoons on my own now, mulling about the house alone indecently dressed in torn oversized tee and shorts, sprawling flat on the cold marble floor to cool off, lying on the couch like a sloth reading a chick lit, catching up on personal blogs I’ve stopped reading for a long time, listening to old songs from CDs I never knew I had, sitting by the window watching kids scream playfully in the pool, rummaging the fridge and every cabinet in the kitchen for food and then suddenly remembering that I’ve gained so much weight since I’ve been back so I keep putting back the food while giving them a “sorry I can’t eat you today” look, helping my mother with household chores which sounds really filial of me but in actual fact said chores only include hanging up the clothes to dry, taking them back in and folding them (also proud to admit that I’ve mastered the important skill of taking more than 10 hangers of clothes at one time with the stick thingy, which is worth boasting about because it takes great wrist flexibility and upper arm strength to be able to maneuver the stick with such precision) (but sad to admit that I cannot fold clothes for a living, mom always comes back from work to see such ugly folded clothes and have to refold them again ;_;) – okay, lost my train of thought from too much digression, totally don’t remember what I wanted to talk about.

Anyway, that’s not the point at all. The point is, I’ve become a much happier person lately. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m in my comfort zone now in this familiar territory, or the fact that the weather has been extremely kind to me, or the fact that I’m fatter (from the happiness? happiness from food?), or the fact that I actually have friends again, or..the fact that I’m in love with someone amazing.

So this is something I’ve been hiding from the public for numerous reasons ranging from the potential harsh judgment I might get for moving on from my previous breakup so easily to dating someone who seems unconventional for me and thus breaking whatever societal norms/rules there are out there. It’s been six months so if you want to judge me for moving on and for being happy, then screw you. All I know is I’ve been trying to make amends for the pain and hurt I’ve put the people who love me through, and whatever that happened should only concern the people who were involved.

I guess in some ways, I’ve come to terms with having people judge me anyway so why not clear things up myself rather than being speculated mindlessly about. Yes, I’ve moved on and have started dating again. Yes, I’m a cruel person for moving on so quickly when I should be mourning for an indefinite amount of time and be all miserable and sad. Yes, I actually allowed myself to find my own happiness, hence increasing my Cruella Devil-o-meter.

In the pursuit of my own seemingly selfish happiness, I may have been branded many ugly names but so be it. At the end of the day, those names will be mere whispers and will be blown away by the wind, the people who throw ugly glances at me will be mere faceless shadows, but I will still remain happy.

A new beginning

Hello everyone!

Happy new year! Happy 2011! As for me, happy finally-going-to-graduate year! I’ve been waiting for this year since forever and I’m so glad it has finally arrived. But now that it has arrived, I’m actually feeling uneasy because it means it’s my final few months of being a student.

Oh well, brand new adventures ahead! That’s if I won’t end up as an unemployed bum living off my parents when I graduate….which could very well be the case hoho.

Anyway, I don’t have anything to blog about nor do I have any amazing pictures of my life right now, so here are some camwhore pictures.


Look at how awesome my skin is in this humid weather! Screw expensive and overpriced facial products, all you need to do is move to a tropical country 😀

I want to blog about my 2010 but I feel so lazy now..I’m sprawled flat on the floor reading newspaper and eating papaya and watching Shin Chan dubbed in Malay on TV and listening to my mom gossip about people I don’t know. I’m having such a great year already! Haha.

Happy New Year again everyone, may you all have a greattttt year ahead cause I know I will be! Although I may officially be classified as UNEMPLOYED soon, I’m sure there are always things for me to do. Suddenly I’m engulfed by this overwhelming feeling of excitement, a feeling that anything is possible as long as I feel like it is.

Can’t find a job? Go travel around the world and take time to figure out what I want to do! No money? Start saving now and travel cheap! Can’t find a suitable job? Make a job for myself!

I’m sure things will be fine and will be sorted out in time. I have a feeling.. that this will be an amazing year for me 🙂

FML trash story #185

So I have renounced my partying habits for a month or so now and I suddenly don’t feel like going back to that lifestyle anymore. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I’m pretty much done with my college life, pretty much sick and tired of the same scandalous shenanigans of women making out with each other, too much booze and dancing with the same people every single time.

It gets old. Girls thinking that they are straight but then you see them with their clothes off macking some classmate of theirs only to sober up the next day and realize that they are fucked cause now they have to face that said classmate and pretend that they’re gay. And then you have the true blue actually straight girls, randomly slutting up to and sleeping with anyone with a certain overglorified sexual anatomy that is disgustingly perpetually hard and dripping.

And who said college was fun again? American college parties are the most overrated and overhyped phenomenon I have ever encountered, and I have the rights to say that because I have been to aplenty.

Anyway the point of this is not to be all angsty about college parties, but to provide the backdrop and context to this story I’m about to tell you.

So it’s a regular Saturday night and I’m down with cold. Friends asked me to join them in this big party on campus, to which I politely declined because 1. I’m done with partying, at least for now, 2. I’m sick, and 3. I have better things to do like write my long overdue paper while listening to justin bieber. just sayin’

I realized around 1 am that I forgot to do my trash duties for today (for the uninformed, I work as a trash collector wtf) so I put on my trash outfit and went to collect them filthy trash. Ladeedum minding my own business working my ass off to pay my college loan lalala. Then when I was tying one of the bags up, someone came and asked if she could throw her trash. Obviously, this kind trash collector said “Go ahead dearie, throw all your trash out. There you go, throw them alllll out and feel better”.

To my utmost dismay, guess what came out of that unassuming black plastic bin.

I’ll give you a hint. It starts with V and ends with OMIT.

I cannot begin to describe how low my heart sank upon seeing that torrential downpour of intestinal juice and someone’s dinner and the 23410 litres of alcohol she irresponsibly drank and thought she could take BUT OBVIOUSLY SHE COULDN’T AND LOOK WHO HAS TO CLEAN UP AFTER HER FUCKING MESS I FUCKING HATE COLLEGE STUDENTS

Upon seeing that I immediately stopped breathing but it took a few milliseconds for my olfactory organ to receive the memo from my panicky brain and I accidentally took a whiff of it T_____________T Woe is me.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I forgot my Ipod today and I heard some people going “Eww! OMG” while throwing a disgust look at me….

I mean by now I’m pretty used to disgust looks (trust me I’m surprised at how often I get this too) but I’ve never actually heard people EWW-ing at me since I have my Ipod on most of the time. Hmm this makes me wonder how often do people actually EWW aloud at me.

And the weird thing is, I felt no emotions when all this happened. I’m completely desensitized by now so I really don’t see what the big deal about collecting trash is. Am I really that much of a loser who deserved to be EWW-ed at? I’m doing well academically, my GPA is 3.92, I have an amazing life with people who love me and I’m working so I don’t have to ask my parents for cash, so who are these people to make me doubt my self-values and integrity?

So I’m collecting trash on a Saturday night when everyone is out partying their lives away, how come I don’t see the problem? Should this be a problem in the first place?

Eww eww eww, eww your face lah eww wtf

That’s it, this is the end of my trash story for today. Thank you for tuning in wtf

Happiness is a warm gun

Dear readers,

I sincerely apologize for the lackluster posts these days. I’ve been incredibly emotional lately about a myriad of things and I may have even appeared unhappy or sad or upset. Rest assured, I was anything but all that. I was broody yes, and I was contemplative, but I was nowhere near thinking that my life sucks balls.

Anywayyy, I realized that I’m actually not comfortable with sharing such a big part of my life online anymore. I get ill with ease at the thought of people I don’t know putting my life under the microscope for scrutiny. My stomach churns at the thought of people I know getting hurt by my utmost honest feelings because they didn’t want to acknowledge that before.

I can’t do this anymore. Thanks for reading so lovingly, so patiently, and so loyally for the last few years. Last many many years actually. I will still blog of course, but really, don’t expect anything like before. I’ve entered a new phase of my life where putting myself out there like an open book has proven to hurt myself and many people in my life.

It’s actually quite weird to think this way because I used to think that I have nothing to lose by parading myself in public like that. But I guess now this is a different ballgame altogether. I’m so tired of being afraid of people judging me when in actual fact, NO ONE has the right to even pass judgment about me when they don’t know the whole story. It’s, however, an inherent human nature to judge and I would be stupid to want to go around pointing fingers and shouting at people who do that.

So at the end of the day, I realized that if I don’t provide the source to all this, then it won’t happen and we’ll all be happy right? I go on my merry ways trying new exciting things without feeling like I need to justify myself to anyone, and you go on your own ways reading one less blog.

Isn’t it what it’s down to in the end? You get sad that you lost yet another honest blogger to the big scary world, you moan to your friends that people these days are so afraid of putting themselves out there anymore and that you wish more people will have the courage to do that, and then you shrug and say well I guess this is how the world is. Then a few days later, la la la, you chance upon another blog and you’ll forget all about me.

I sincerely with all my heart and soul do wish that I have the courage to just say fuck ya’ll fuck the world i’m just going to do whatever the hell I want and if you think my actions don’t subscribe to your rigidly-prescribed dogma or principles in life then go find another blog to read and leave me alone while I actually have a guilt-free life. peace out. But alas, I don’t, at least not right now.

So I guess that’s it for now. Thank you for all your time, thank you for all your kind words, and thank you for all your love. I’ve truly been extremely blessed. See you when I see you next.

Back when I was pretty

Back when I was 17 and had black hair and no make up and was incredibly innocent and didn’t know how to smile, I genuinely thought I could rule the world. Now I can’t even rule myself wtf

Back when I just started college and was all bright-eyed and eager and much much thinner and had just started learning how to flash a non-awkward smile, I could take whatever shit the world wants to throw at me. Now I’m just this sulky emo person constantly getting all gloomy when I think about the impending bleakness that is my future wtf

Back when I enjoyed dolling up and spending hours taking vain shots with equally vain friends and finally thought my smile looked extremely genuine. Now I take vain pictures, look at them and secretly get disappointed at how unflattering they are, and delete them from my camera forever.


Back when I could curl my long pretty locks and wear a bow and not look retarded, I thought I had everything going on for me. Now..well, now..I guess I’ve realized that I’m as flawed as everyone out there, if not more.

When can I ever break out of my emoness??! It’s getting frustrating even for me to keep going on and on about my pathetic existence. Is it just me but did anyone notice how my un-emo entries lack this certain element to it these days? They seem to lack so much soul and identity, like they could have been written by anyone out there. That’s why I stick to being emo, because at least then I know they’re still written by me.

That’s actually just quite sad.

Falling for fall

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of turbulent emotions for me. I should have learned my lesson by now, to always listen to my head and not anything else. Have you ever felt like you wake up knowing exactly what is right or wrong and what you should do, but godammit you just fail every single time?

And fail I did, everyday.

Everyday brings forth another set of unnecessary drama with much pain and confusion, all inflicted by me to people who never once asked for it. I watch as my life (and the life of others) fall apart right before my eyes but I tell myself, that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I will be a better person, and hopefully I will be strong enough to make the right decisions.

But tomorrow never comes.

Have I ever told you what I want to do in my ideal world in the future? I want to open a preschool someday. I want to change the learning landscape in Malaysia. I want to dream big and pray for a change in how education is perceived. I want to be someone useful, a true contributing member of the society. I want to know that there exists a reason for my existence, however small the reason may be.

And most importantly, I want to go back home and be part of the change. I have always been naive and idealistic, but if idealism is the sole driver of my passion to change things for people who matter to me, for my own kin and countrymen, then I hope with all my heart and soul that I will never have a change in heart.

It’s almost the end of fall here, and seasonal change makes me extremely broody and melancholic. I sit on the steps outside my dorm everyday thinking about the person I once was and the person I have and will become. I think of it so much that that old Suet seems further and further out of reach these days. The only sliver of thread preventing it from escaping my loosening grasp is this familiar environment I have been in for years.

I have a sinking feeling that once I close this chapter of my life, I will become a completely unrecognizable person at the far far end of the spectrum.

And to be honest? I can’t wait till that day comes.

The other day I was late for class and as I was trying to locate my bike, I realized that someone had stolen it. It was upsetting for a while, not because I’d lost something of value but because now I have to walk to a class that I was already late for.

I think to myself now, a week after I last saw my bike, that how things like that hardly upset me anymore. If someone finds it so easy to take something that does not belong to her, then so be it. I just wish she’d return my bike lock. It has stars and hearts and flowers instead of the usual numbers as combinations.

I realized while having my lunch by the lake that I may never return to this beautiful campus again after I graduate. An immediate sense of relief swept over me, followed by a momentary burst of happiness and excitement laced with thoughts of finally venturing into the real world. As I took another bite of my salad, the feelings quickly changed into sadness and despair. After all, I did spend four years here, four years of my first glimpse of adulthood.

As much as I bitch about this place I fondly call the shithole, it does have its moments. It’s where I finally learned to not take education for granted and to view it as a lifelong process of searching and finding and never actually finding anything but it’s the means to the end that matter most. It’s also the backdrop and/or catalyst to most of my eventful soul-searching process.

I guess I am falling for this place, albeit a little too late.

I feel weird asking this, but have you ever felt like you are constantly going to trip and fall flat on your face? I think about it all the time, to the point that the thought of me falling (everywhere, while walking to my table, while getting down from a bus, while shopping) has invaded so much of my private thoughts these days.

“What should I eat for lunch? Mm that looks good, but seems fattening -OH SHIT I AM SO GOING TO TRIP- but I deserve something nice cause I just finished an exam -I AM GOING TO FALL NOW I TELL YOU- ok set I’m ordering that -I AM GOING TO FALL FLAT AND EVERYONE WILL LAUGH AT ME AND IT’LL HURT SO MUCH BUT I’LL TRY MY VERY BEST TO LAUGH IT OFF-”

Here is the funny part. As fate would have it, I have never fallen once. Not even a slight trip, or a slight misstep that might cause a stumble or two, zilch nada. On a normal day, thoughts of me falling invade my mind at least three times a day. On a bad day maybe as much as ten times. On an exceptionally good day, none.

It’s driving me crazy! I’ve gotten to the point that I’m now trying to accidentally fall in an obscure empty place and then try to trick my subconscious into believing that that fall was completely accidental and that I did not will myself into falling and then, maybe, maybe I will stop feeling like I will fall all over the place.

I think something is wrong with me.

You know how sometimes when you’re walking down the street and you try to plan your steps according to how many crunchy dead leaves you can step on? Fall is a great time for all you crunchy-leaves-stepper you. The satisfaction of having your foot crush the already dead leaf to death, the pleasant crackling sound as music to your ears, the trail of unrecognizable bits and pieces of a leaf that had once lived a fruitful life you leave behind.

Fall, it is truly my favorite season of the year.

Full of trash


I feel weird posting something totally unrelated to the below entry right after it..but here’s a story about my life in college.

Before I begin, a big thank you to all the comments and kind words! I really appreciate them and I’ve read each and every comment at least twice. The main reason why I continue blogging despite all my half-hearted attempts at stopping is not because of the money (hell no), or the fame (brings more pain than pleasure actually), but it’s because I have the bestest readers in the world. I have extremely considerate and appreciative readers who take the time to know me beyond what I portray here, readers who always try to understand, readers who are just..more than mere hits on my daily hit counter. That is really the sole driver of my passion to blog 🙂

Anywayyy all emoness aside, here’s my sad life story. Actually it’s not sad at all I’m just exaggerating.

I don’t know if you guys remember, but I used to have a job as a ball collector right? What the hell is a ball collector I hear you ask from the back of the room. Well you know when you play soccer and when you kick the ball way out of the field? Someone has to immediately put another ball in and then go run after the kicked ball right? Well I was that someone wtf

Anyway that’s old story.

The new story is this: I got a new job on campus and guess what it is! It’s a very important job that has taught me so much about life, much more than what college has taught me. The official name for the job is Residence Hall Work Chair but it’s essentially a…..jeng jeng jeng…trash collector wtf

When Audrey did it last time when she was at college, I told myself when I sometimes accompany her on her rounds that when I’m a senior god forbid if I ever become a trash collector too but oh look, I AM a senior and I AM a trash collector wtf

Well the job is actually quite amazing, contrary to popular belief. I am hoping that I will someday publish a book on “How Collecting Trash Taught Me About Life”.

No, I’m seriously saying this with a straight face! You learn so much from just doing something so “low-class” and “dirty” ok!

LESSON ONE: Always be considerate

I want to choke on blood every time I see BANANA SKINS and MUFFINS and SANITARY PADS in the bin for mixed paper. Hello are you really a college student?? Do you not know food is not paper wtf! Did you know WHO has to take your rotten food out of the bin and put them in the appropriate place???

It’s not the sorting out garbage that disgusts me, it’s more the people who couldn’t even pause for one second before they throw their trash in the recycling bins that kills me everytime GRRR

So, after doing this job, I’m always very aware on my actions and how they’ll impact other people’s lives. Wah wah hahha

LESSON TWO: Never be embarrassed of something you’re proud of

That’s right! I’m actually proud of my job. For one, it’s a very important job ok somebody gotta throw your trash out. Also, I’m earning an honest living which will hopefully help pay off my loan later. Although I might have to collect trash every minute for 3 years before I can pay it all off wtf

So..I’ve learned to not cringe in shame everytime someone walk past me while I carefully pick their stupid food out of the bin. In fact, these days, I WANT people to see me doing the trash. Cause I really hope that maybe it’ll hit them that holy shit a human being is actually doing it and not a robot! I better becareful where I throw my trash now. But slim chance lah sigh

LESSON THREE: How to take the trash out, tie it, put another bag in, wrap it around the bin tightly and then tie it in record time

Yeah I’ve totally mastered the above skill! Now I can do it in about 2.5 minutes! I double bag the bins too ok! I’m soooo good at this now I swear I can do this for a living wtf. I have amassed enough work experience for all trash collecting companies to want to hire me wtf

Okay that’s all. I want to make a personalized badge that says “I’m a trash collector and I’m proud of it!” and wear it everyday when I work wtf

How’s that for a stupid post? I think emo suet is better than this stupid rambly suet who bullshits way too much hahaha