Archive for the ‘Diary Entries’ Category

Do you want to know a secret?

Wednesday, January 5th, 2011

You have no idea how amazing it is to be back home. I don’t feel like going back to that dreaded place again, the place I never really belonged to. This is where I should be, this is where my heart lies, and this is where I shall return to.

Nothing anyone’s gonna say will make me change my mind.

Falling for fall

Friday, November 12th, 2010

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of turbulent emotions for me. I should have learned my lesson by now, to always listen to my head and not anything else. Have you ever felt like you wake up knowing exactly what is right or wrong and what you should do, but godammit you just fail every single time?

And fail I did, everyday.

Everyday brings forth another set of unnecessary drama with much pain and confusion, all inflicted by me to people who never once asked for it. I watch as my life (and the life of others) fall apart right before my eyes but I tell myself, that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I will be a better person, and hopefully I will be strong enough to make the right decisions.

But tomorrow never comes.

Have I ever told you what I want to do in my ideal world in the future? I want to open a preschool someday. I want to change the learning landscape in Malaysia. I want to dream big and pray for a change in how education is perceived. I want to be someone useful, a true contributing member of the society. I want to know that there exists a reason for my existence, however small the reason may be.

And most importantly, I want to go back home and be part of the change. I have always been naive and idealistic, but if idealism is the sole driver of my passion to change things for people who matter to me, for my own kin and countrymen, then I hope with all my heart and soul that I will never have a change in heart.

It’s almost the end of fall here, and seasonal change makes me extremely broody and melancholic. I sit on the steps outside my dorm everyday thinking about the person I once was and the person I have and will become. I think of it so much that that old Suet seems further and further out of reach these days. The only sliver of thread preventing it from escaping my loosening grasp is this familiar environment I have been in for years.

I have a sinking feeling that once I close this chapter of my life, I will become a completely unrecognizable person at the far far end of the spectrum.

And to be honest? I can’t wait till that day comes.

The other day I was late for class and as I was trying to locate my bike, I realized that someone had stolen it. It was upsetting for a while, not because I’d lost something of value but because now I have to walk to a class that I was already late for.

I think to myself now, a week after I last saw my bike, that how things like that hardly upset me anymore. If someone finds it so easy to take something that does not belong to her, then so be it. I just wish she’d return my bike lock. It has stars and hearts and flowers instead of the usual numbers as combinations.

I realized while having my lunch by the lake that I may never return to this beautiful campus again after I graduate. An immediate sense of relief swept over me, followed by a momentary burst of happiness and excitement laced with thoughts of finally venturing into the real world. As I took another bite of my salad, the feelings quickly changed into sadness and despair. After all, I did spend four years here, four years of my first glimpse of adulthood.

As much as I bitch about this place I fondly call the shithole, it does have its moments. It’s where I finally learned to not take education for granted and to view it as a lifelong process of searching and finding and never actually finding anything but it’s the means to the end that matter most. It’s also the backdrop and/or catalyst to most of my eventful soul-searching process.

I guess I am falling for this place, albeit a little too late.

I feel weird asking this, but have you ever felt like you are constantly going to trip and fall flat on your face? I think about it all the time, to the point that the thought of me falling (everywhere, while walking to my table, while getting down from a bus, while shopping) has invaded so much of my private thoughts these days.

“What should I eat for lunch? Mm that looks good, but seems fattening -OH SHIT I AM SO GOING TO TRIP- but I deserve something nice cause I just finished an exam -I AM GOING TO FALL NOW I TELL YOU- ok set I’m ordering that -I AM GOING TO FALL FLAT AND EVERYONE WILL LAUGH AT ME AND IT’LL HURT SO MUCH BUT I’LL TRY MY VERY BEST TO LAUGH IT OFF-”

Here is the funny part. As fate would have it, I have never fallen once. Not even a slight trip, or a slight misstep that might cause a stumble or two, zilch nada. On a normal day, thoughts of me falling invade my mind at least three times a day. On a bad day maybe as much as ten times. On an exceptionally good day, none.

It’s driving me crazy! I’ve gotten to the point that I’m now trying to accidentally fall in an obscure empty place and then try to trick my subconscious into believing that that fall was completely accidental and that I did not will myself into falling and then, maybe, maybe I will stop feeling like I will fall all over the place.

I think something is wrong with me.

You know how sometimes when you’re walking down the street and you try to plan your steps according to how many crunchy dead leaves you can step on? Fall is a great time for all you crunchy-leaves-stepper you. The satisfaction of having your foot crush the already dead leaf to death, the pleasant crackling sound as music to your ears, the trail of unrecognizable bits and pieces of a leaf that had once lived a fruitful life you leave behind.

Fall, it is truly my favorite season of the year.

Entry Seven

Monday, August 16th, 2010

Today I finally have the time to be on my own for a little while and I realized that I actually haven’t been alone in an extremely long time now. It’s really weird because when I had this phase of my life in Hong Kong, I was mostly alone in my thoughts wandering around Central or Kennedy Town. It’s quite funny how 9 months later, I find myself in the exact same position I was once. The same unsettling feeling of quandary, the same confusing state of perplexity.

So, it’s officially two weeks before I board my flight back to the states, and I feel so incredibly reluctant to go back this time. For some reason, this summer feels so fleeting yet very long at the same time. How do I explain this? I sometimes feel like it was only yesterday that I bade goodbye to the concrete jungle where dreams are made of, to the drunken stupor of 5th avenue. But at the same time, it’s only been three months since I came home but I also feel like I’ve grown almost three years in this time.

I think I have a lot of explaining to do and I will, once I have the time to sit down and to go through my thoughts. My blog has always been dangerously public and I’ve never felt the need to hold back until recently. Until recently when I realized that I am no longer the same person I once was a few years ago. But I guess people grow, and people change. Those changes scared the hell out of me at first but I think I’m beginning to embrace those changes and have grown to accept a different part of myself and the different life I’m living now.

All I’m asking from the people who know and love me is this one small favor. I just need you to stand by me and love me unconditionally despite my flaws and faults. I need you to guide me and not judge me for my actions. I need you to be happy for me although you may not be a part of my happiness. So I guess it’s not one small favor..but it’s all I will ever ask of you.

Sorry this post sounds so ambiguous and cryptic but I promise you that I will make more sense next time. Now I shall leave you with a picture of a happy me to mask the sadness of this post:

img_3782

Today I realized that

I am going to be just fine.

Confession of an overly emotional drama queen

Saturday, June 19th, 2010

I was trying to take time off for myself but I realized that I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand a single second of being alone without yakking my mouth off to anyone who would listen. But I desperately NEED time for myself right now, more than ever. I don’t know why, it’s not like I have anything to think about. It’s just about needing your own space to hide inside your own world.

I’m really upset right now but it’s the good kind of upset. It’s the kind of upset that doesn’t need comforting, the kind of upset that doesn’t need to be talked about, the kind of upset that will eventually go away given some time. To be honest, I don’t even have a reason to be upset. I’m too busy living life to be upset. Isn’t it weird how swiftly certain emotions come and go? It’s even weirder how some emotions tend to disguise themselves as other emotions but are in actual fact another completely polarizing emotions.

Can you tell that I’m not making sense? But really, I am. Here’s an example: I was minding my own business when I was suddenly engulfed by this extremely overwhelming and powerful feeling. I was completely conscious of the fact that that feeling wasn’t a negative one because I was happy and happy people don’t feel upset. Subconsciously however, I could feel that it wasn’t a happy feeling because..well, just because. So there I was, utterly confused by the logic behind what I should feel as opposed to what I really felt.

So this is a completely nonsensical post to you but why does it make so much sense to me?

Is anyone still reading? As a reward to you careful readers, here’s another confession. This is a truly brand-new confession, never before released to the public eye. Despite my simple facade, I’m actually a very confused and complicated person. This realization dawned upon me as I was writing “here’s another confession” which means, I’ve never even thought of myself as confused and complicated before until two seconds ago. How’s that for brand new and hot from the oven?

This confused and complicated person needs to sleep on that statement before she can elaborate any further. Or maybe, she’s just le tired.

Entry Six

Saturday, April 24th, 2010

I’m so tired of everything right now. It’s always the same cycle of things, and I’ve grown increasingly frustrated that I don’t know where the start and end are anymore.

I have a new goal in my life and amidst all the other 239291 goals I have in life, I don’t know how valid this goal will be. My new goal is to not be so freaking affected by every single fucking thing in the world. Someone FFK-ed a plan you’ve made, get super emo. A friend’s uncle’s mother’s aunty’s son’s wife’s sister passed away, cry a bucket. A professor threw you a disappointed look, mourn for days. I have to understand this- life goes on anyway. Stop getting all emo and sad and angry over the smallest things.

It’s like all my sadness and anger and frustrations in life centers around ONE menial factor. I don’t know what I should do anymore. I really want a heart of stone, to not give a damn, to brush things off and tell them to fuck the hell off. But I can’t. I tried, and I have failed.

How do some people do it, I wonder. How do you toughen yourself up despite the many disappointments and sadness in life? I have been hurt and disappointed before, numerous times. But it just seems like my heart never learns from the mistakes. It never toughens up, it never protects itself from future pain.

You know what I really feel like doing now? I feel like going back to Lijiang,

and do the one thing I want to do most. To jump on these roofs. From one roof to the other, every jump I make, my heart wraps a piece of hard metal around it. By the time I finish my rounds, it will be the toughest heart anyone has ever seen.

And then maybe I will be happy again.

You were…

Saturday, March 6th, 2010

When I was 14, I used to listen to Ayumi Hamasaki before I slept every single night. My uncle had given me a very cool portable CD player and someone had loaned me his Ayumi album. Computers and internet did not exist for me then so this was my sole cherished entertainment.

Every night, I put the CD delicately into the player, turned off the light and listened to the entire album over and over again.

Everything seemed so complicated yet simple back then. Every night as I embarked on my nightly ritual, I listened to her belting out her emotions while I thought of my life. I was still in Form 2 and I had a boyfriend for the first time. Everyday was so different in school, the “ooh he’s standing outside his class door let me pretend I need to go to the toilet so I can say hi to him”, the childish drama with friends that pulled us closer together, the constant learning about myself and people around me – everything was just so exciting.

Yesterday for the first time in many years, I put on my headphones before I slept and listened to Ayumi again. The extremely familiar tune brought back a surge of lost memories and feelings. I almost felt like I was transported back to the time when I was 14 and was just an innocent girl listening to her lullaby. It was like I just discovered time travel and could go back to the past.

I didn’t even know what the lyrics meant and I still don’t, but they meant so much to me than any other song would ever mean. Every single word brought forth one tiny emotion attached to it, one small piece of the 14 year old me. It was such a beautiful feeling and I don’t know how to describe it any better with words. No worries of my future career prospects, no worries of fulfilling expectations and roles, no worries of being able to fend for myself in this big scary world.

Sometimes I feel so conflicted. I can’t wait to grow up and do adult things instead of being in this constant bubble of studying and doing assignments but at the same time, I keep wanting to pull myself back to the simplicity that was the “oh he’s standing outside the door I should go to the toilet now”. Sometimes, I feel like there are so many years left to live when all I’m contented with is to just lay on my bed with the lights off and listen to Ayumi. It’s like..oh I’ve done that, that something that brought me so much inexplicable yet simple joy that life is for and now I’m done.

Aiya I don’t know how to make it not sound this emo wtf. I’m not trying to be emo contrary to popular belief..(I’m the least emo person in real life) (despite my new emo hair wtf) I’m pretty damned contented with my life right now, just that those simple joys no longer exist. Everything seems so convoluted now (or appear to be despite its underlying simplicity)

I’ve always thought of attempting to write about my feeling when I listen to Ayumi again but I had avoided doing so for fear of not doing justice to the beauty and intricacy of that feeling. It’s like smelling something that what was once so familiar to you randomly on the street only to have those memories attached to it come flooding back. What an incredibly rare, but extremely beautiful feeling 🙂

静寂に包まれた瞬間に
襲ってくる
優しくて温かすぎる
思い出が

Entry Five

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

So I’ve completely forgotten that I have a blog and I have an unwritten obligation and duty to churn out random stuff here. How have I been the past few days:

Miserable

Two days ago, I was struck with the worst insomnia I’ve ever had in a long long time. I went to bed at 1 a.m and lay there painfully until the big clock chimed five times. Five freaking a.m and I was still wide awake. As if that was not bad enough, I suddenly felt the urge to vomit?? Great. I finally fell asleep and had to force myself to wake up at 10 the next morning for class T___T

Busy

You know I suddenly don’t enjoy studying anymore. It’s always about meeting deadlines and writing papers and reading stuff you’re not really interested in. I love what I’m studying, it’s just that it has become a must instead of a want. I have three 6-page papers due by the end of next week and I have no idea how I can do it. I will eventually get through it but I’m just kinda perplexed at my lack of enthusiasm these days.

In pain

I woke up today with a really bad stabbing pain somewhere near my ovaries? uterus? I don’t know how to describe it but it’s really bothering me. I’m still alive and can still walk but I’m kind of worried, not because I might die but because if this pain persists, HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO FINISH MY PAPERS???

Disappointed

I don’t know what is your concept of friendship and I don’t know if I have one myself but recently I’ve been getting increasingly disillusioned in what I perceive to be a true friendship. I constantly delude myself into having too high an expectation for my friends and it has so far just led to disappointments over and over again. I used to be a very confident person and I used to believe in the things I do. But an extremely bad episode with certain people threw me off the cliff and shattered my self-belief permanently.

After that, all I asked for was just to have drama-free friends. I cannot deal with that blow again and I just wanted people who wouldn’t take what I confide in them and shout it out for people to hear. I don’t need to be around such poison that is slowly eating me alive as a person. Personal attacks on the principles I hold dear to, on the things I do, on the what I wear,  on how I look – no I don’t need that, not especially from people I trust.

Then I found people who are drama-free. People who don’t listen attentively to what you say only to spin around and whisper a twisted concoction to the person next to them. But these people come with their own trade off. They don’t gossip, but they’re also highly unreliable. They are nowhere to be found when you need them most and they take your values of friendship lightly.

At least with the former type, they are always there for you. For the wrong reasons? who cares, they are there when you need them.

So when it comes down to this, what is it going to be?

Relaxed

Despite all these negative emotions, I’m feeling strangely calm and relaxed in a weird way. I used to be so tensed.. so stressed all the time. But these days I’m like a big blob, blobbing its way with the flow of things. Maybe I know some things will always remain the way it is so no point pulling my hair out because of it.

——

All that said, I’m sorry I’ve been quite different lately. Perhaps not so funny, maybe a little not so sohai and wtf anymore, but I assure you in essence I’m still the same person. It’s just all this trying to discover who I am/growing up/testing my limits phase.

I have a very controversial issue I want to talk about, about people who are selling their souls to private, unethical, profit-making firms, but I will leave that for another day. I need to finish the 350 page book for my paper due in a few days argh!!!!!!! College is not only taking away my money but my happiness and zest for life! Why the need to assign so much work??

Entry Four

Friday, February 12th, 2010

It’s funny how my emotions are so vulnerable to basic uncomplicated events. I was feeling really upset one day because I thought I did badly in a paper and when I found out I got a really good grade for it, I was on cloud nine for days. Then today I felt really confident about some things but they disappointed me and I felt like my life just swiveled down the drain.

It’s funny how I take my academics so seriously, as if they really matter in the real world. I know they don’t. Heck, I’m like the ultimate advocate for not stressing over school work and here I am, le queen of hypocrisy.

It’s funny how optimistic I was about this place, only to realize that nothing has changed to accommodate the new me. I can feel the new me being squished and pushed into the mold once again. Before I can even blink in horror, voila, back to the very beginning.

I have decided what I want in my life. I want to wake up everyday feeling motivated to do things. I want to go about with my daily life feeling really happy to be doing whatever I was doing. Woohoo, waking up at 9am, best part of the day evarrrr! Woohoo, walking to class in the cold, bestest part ever!! Woohoo, doing assignments, SUPER best part ever! Sleeping time, worst part ever cause I can’t do anything 🙁

Woohoo, going to work, super! Woohoo, giving birth, what a joy! Woohoo, breastfeeding, can’t wait! You get my point.

I need some woohoos in my life right now. (not related but you know in The Sims, to Woo Hoo means to have sex wtf so everytime I play the sims, my goal is just to get my sim to woo hoo with another sim WTF but this is not the woo hoo I’m talking about ok)

Shit I wrote too many woo hoos now the word looks very weird to me.

Actually I’m glad I’m back to blogging. It has always been some sort of a therapeutic outlet for me and I actually feel happy I’m talking nonsense again.

I can’t wear my emotions on my sleeve like this and get upset/happy about the littlest things. That’s my goal numero un.

Goal numero deux is to get some freaking exercise before I turn into a slab of gooey fat mud.

Goal numero trois is to NEVER let myself swivel down the drain like before again.

Goal numero quatre is to get out of here and start doing real work so I can have some fun in New York with my good friends.

Le set.

Here comes the sun

Tuesday, December 1st, 2009

In the midst of struggling to write my paper, I thought of the sun and how majestic it is. It was just one of those random sun-popping-into-your-mind moments I’m sure everyone has experienced before. The prevalence of malingered PTSD has increased in the recent –image of the sun pops up– years and this calls for a great concern because –image of sun pops up again–

you know how it is

You go about with your daily life: making your bed, queuing up for your food in the cafeteria, making small talks with your neighbors, refilling your bottle by the water fountain near the library, looking through the news feed on Facebook and here comes the glorious sun and its bright awesome rays and blinding glare.

You try to get it out of your mind and continue your mindless chat with your neighbor you don’t give a shit about but whom you continue asking how many exams she has just so you appear friendly. The sun pops up again. You ask about her dog. The sun pops up again. You tell her you hate your classes. The sun pops up again. and again. and again.

It haunts you because you let it do. You secretly enjoy having it invade your thoughts on cold lonely nights beneath the warm $100 duvet you got at Welcome. You sit in your class pretending to listen to your professor and you unconsciously invite it into your thoughts because you want it to.

Today, I thought of the sun again. Its warm glow, its varying hues of orange and purple and white and red, its perfect roundness, its omnipresent luminance. It keeps coming back over and over again so I decided once and for all that I will succumb to its influence. I walked over to my window and looked straight at it, letting my eyes feed on its glory slowly without blinking even once.

After what seemed like an eternity, the sun set and nestled itself behind the mountains and hills and things far beyond my sight. I walked over to my laptop to continue my paper but I found myself blinded for a good 3 minutes and 45 seconds. The pain was unbearable but I held my gaze, determined to let the pain sweep over me as swift as I had allowed it into me.

It came and it went as unceremoniously as I had expected it.
And then it was gone.

Here comes the sun/ here comes the sun / and I say / it’s all right

Entry Three

Sunday, November 15th, 2009

My self-drawn schedule of the months of Oct, Nov and Dec is filled with red writings all over. *PRESENTATION* *PROJECT DUE* *MIDTERM* *PAPER DUE* staring right back at me, forming a blur of red ink and pink highlights. Two more weeks of boring lectures and rushing deadlines, 1 week off for ‘revision’ which we all know is not going to happen, 2 weeks of redbull and exams in freezing theater halls and I’m out of here.

As I open tabs after tabs of reports by the Ministry of Commerce on the failed Coca-Cola deal in China and reports on the US-China trade frictions, I find myself reflecting on my semester and what I’ve accomplished thus far. Just to make it clear first, I’m neither proud nor ashamed of any of these:

Had so much fun that it jeopardized my relationship – check
Let myself go loose to the point that I didn’t know what sort of person I have become – check
Allowed my emotions to take control of my life without thinking straight – check

I went to the rooftop one night for a midnight rendezvous with myself. The wind was so strong it blew the glass bottle I had with me down from the ledge to 16 stories below. I watched as the bottle spun round and round and hit straight on the ground before it broke into a million jagged pieces, releasing the liquid it contained. I tip-toed higher, watching the circumference of the vodka grew from a mere centimeter to a wider pool before realizing that my toes were getting numbed from the cold and the tip-toeing. I bade farewell to my glass and went back into my room.

I went makeup shopping the other day by myself. I’m slowly finding joy in being alone again, especially when I’m in the company of Beatles’ Love Album on my China brand mp3 player. I was choosing my mascara and eyeliner when the familiar tune of Octopus Garden started playing. I’d like to be, under the sea, in an Octopus’ Garden, in the shade. Right after I paid for my merchandises (RM150 on makeup, am i for real?), my mp3 player died. I looked at the screen and it said “Byebye!!” with two exclamation marks. I woke up from my reverie and realized that I actually don’t quite like being alone.

I did more thinking the past three months than I’ve ever done in my entire life. What am I doing? What am I becoming? Do I want this? Is it worth it? That day on the rooftop with the cold 1389mph wind blowing on my face gave me all the answers I was looking for. I was too blinded by my need to be young and carefree that I’ve failed to look at the bigger scheme of things. The bigger scheme of things is that I will only find happiness if people I care about and who care about me are happy too. There’s no point being a lone ranger in seeking for the true pursuit of life.

I went to the rooftop again the other day, just because it’s the perfect place to look at Hong Kong without feeling touristy. I stood there for the longest time, taking in all the sights and sounds. I felt this sudden intense desire to jump on top of one of those buildings below and just hop from building to building. I wanted to tell someone that but then I realized that this could potentially sound rather suicidal so I refrained from doing so. That feeling wasn’t the least bit suicidal to me, but more like me happily hopping around in the tune of Laputa (Castle in the Sky)’s theme song.

I was on the tram to Central to meet up with Eliza yesterday. The tram was almost empty and I had the entire top compartment to myself. The wind was exceptionally chilly that night and the tram was trembling and shaking way more than usual. I told myself that I’m finally so over it. The tram wobbled its way from Kennedy Town to Central and as I stepped out of it, I left all of it behind.

Rooftop, tram, Laputa, Octopus’ Garden, makeup shopping, schedule filled with red writings, broken glass, jumping from building to building. They’re all just a part of life.