To be very honest, I don’t even know how to start this post. I don’t know what to write, what I should or should not say, what is right or wrong, what is ok or not ok. All I know is I HAVE to write this post because otherwise I’ll hate myself for a long time to come.
Today is the 12th of December, 2009.
Ever since I came to Hong Kong, so many things have happened that my perceptions and views have all changed drastically. Nudge me and ask me 5 months ago if I was ready to settle with one person for the rest of my life and I would have called you crazy for even asking me that cause YES I AM SO READY TO GET MARRIED AND SETTLE DOWN!!!
In fact, I’ve even been upset at Barry for not mentioning anything about our future together cause I was that ready to just say yes if he had asked for my hand in marriage despite me being only 20 then. Everything seemed so certain then, because I thought no matter what happens, nothing would matter cause I love him very much and love will prevail at the end of the day.
A lot has changed since. Don’t worry everyone (mom, dad, uncle, aunty, friends, family, blog readers – phew so many people I have to consider), we’re still together and we’re still very much in love. Coming to HK might be a mistake, or a blessing in disguise, because although I don’t see my relationship as a fairytale anymore, I’m also no longer as naive as before to think that love is the only thing I need to survive.
There are so many other things in life to look out for. I was so willing to settle for an eternity of domesticity because I thought that was what bliss is. I thought being home the entire day waiting for your loved one is pure happiness. I thought being very dependent on each other is a measurement of how close you are.
I guess I was too blinded with complacence and comfort that I refuse to see the bigger picture. The bigger picture is we are more than just this, more than just Bazsuet. Being together for so long had obviously distorted my perception of how I wanted my life to be. I was no longer as ambitious with my life, because I had found The One and that was all that matters. But what about my own aspirations? Dreams? Can I be my very own person- just Suet?
Call me selfish, but being here opened me up to a lot of opportunities. HK is a city that has so much to offer and once I started opening myself up to all these wonderful possibilities, I find it harder and harder to resist the temptations. Being in a long-term, long-distance relationship during the peak years of my youth has indeed narrowed down a lot of things for me.
I felt like I was thrown into adulthood too fast and do serious stuff like maintaining a serious relationship when I could be doing other more fun stuff. When I first came here, I went all out. I had no control of myself and what I did because I kept this thought with me, the thought that I never had the chance to do all these and now that I’m here I gotta do them all now. And so I did. I had so much fun, more than I’ve ever had in a long long time, so much so that it never crossed my mind that what I did was hurting the one person who love me most.
After 3 months, I finally have had enough fun to last me a lifetime. I’m glad I went all out because I’ve never done so before and no matter how I deny it, it was very very liberating. But it’s time to snap out of it now and pull all my senses back to reality.
In retrospect, I don’t think there was any other way I would have learned from this. I messed up, I fell, I stood back up, brushed the dirt off my knees and now I start over.
Today is the 12th of December, 2009.
Today is a time to reflect on the many reflections I did throughout the past few months. I bet you’re wondering this as much as I’m wondering it myself. So what’s the conclusion? What is the outcome of this overall reflection of the many reflections?
Truth is, I really don’t know. There’s no conclusion and I guess there will never be. But that’s what life is I think. If everything has a clear cut ending, then no one will even bother living their lives cause it’ll be too easy.
Today is a special day because it marks the five years I have been with Barry. Up till recently, the five years have been extremely smooth sailing. We did long distance for 4 years and everyone kept applauding our perseverance but I never felt that it had been very hard. A month ago, things were very rough for us and we almost called it off. Coming to HK changed me, he said. The distance is too hard for me and the future is uncertain, I said.
I was so willing to bid farewell to our past 4 years and 10 months because I was tired of it all. I didn’t know how much longer we have before we can be in the same place again, I was bored of the same guy, and I have my own agendas now. But being his usual self, he held on to whatever sliver of thread and hope left. I’m really glad he did, because I wasn’t thinking straight then and seeing him work so hard slapped me awake.
I have no idea what’s going to happen to us but I know the road is only going to get harder from here. I’m really upset that I almost lost the one thing some people may never find in a few lifetimes, but I will forever cherish the lesson I have learned from it. There are so many expectations for us to not fail and I think it had affected me a lot. I wanted this relationship to be perfect, because I had portrayed it to be that way and my readers tell me that we’ll get married and that we’re an inspiration and I don’t want to upset family and friends who expect us to be together. But we’re just as flawed as everyone else.
So this is no fairytale. There is no “and they live happily ever after”. Well, there might be one, but not without a million hardships in between, under, over, on the sides, on top, and below.
I can’t give you my conclusion on my final reflection of my many life reflections, but I can tell you with 100% certainty the conclusion of what has happened. This semester has indeed changed me to the point that it was proving to be detrimental to my relationship. It challenged my previous belief that we will be together forever without having to work very hard because we love each other very much and that’s all that matters at the end of the day. Nothing lasts forever, especially not something as fragile as this that needs constant care and attention.
This is a long post, but writing it made me realize that I do have a conclusion after all. I do have a “moral lesson of the day” after all. I guess it makes looking at life more optimistic somehow, when you know that everything happens with an accompanying lesson of the day in tow.
So, after 1262 words,
Today is the 12th of December 2009. It is a day worth celebrating because it’s not only my anniversary with my boyfriend but also a day that made me realize how much wiser and more mature I’ve grown as a person. I’ve wished that we had met at later points in our lives when we’re both more stable so there won’t be so many uncertainties about our future, but looking at it now, it’s actually really nice to have someone there growing up with you 🙂
Happy 5 years baby. To all the possibilities and challenges ahead, to all the hugs and kisses, to all the hours spent on Skype and MSN, to all the flights and crossing of timezones, to all the tears and laughter, to all the joy and pain, to all the learning and growing, to us.
I love you.
Can’t wait to see you again!
P.S: 1st year’s post here, 2nd year, 3rd year, 4th year.
P.P.S: First Bazsuet post since September :O Everyone must have thought we have broken up haha!