400

Scary dream of the year

I had the mother of all scary nightmares yesterday, and I know I tend to exaggerate a lot but this is really super scary. When I retold the dream to shanshan, she had goosebumps all over and seriously thought it was very scary, therefore the scariness of my scary dream is validated wtf

So it went like this.

I was in my grandmother’s very old house, and there was this section where there was a huge altar with statues of different gods with scary faces and all these boards with ancestors’ names etc. I think this part is enough to convince you how scary this dream is gonna be haha

So ALL my extended family members were there, all 30+ of us, and we were just chillin’ and talking and being normal. Then I decided to take pictures, so I went around taking pictures. It got really dark then, and I gathered everyone so we can take one big group picture. I fumbled with the flash to make sure it’s turned on (SEE i remember all the details, making it way scarier T_T) and I took a test shot when everyone was still talking.

Then I looked up.

And everyone was gone. Everyone just freaking disappeared!!!!

I was so scared cause it was really dark all over, and so I sat on the sofa shivering and I had my dog with me and he was shivering too. I started shouting for the gods to return my family members back, and my dog started chewing on my arm cause he was scared wtf.

Anyway I decided to look through the pictures I have taken to see if I can find clues on what the hell just happened. First few pictures were fine and everyone was happily talking, and then gradually the pictures started changing OMG RETELLING THIS IS SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF ME I’M ALONE IN MY ROOM

Everyone started getting more and more translucent for some reason, like they’re becoming ghouls? spirits?

And the last picture….the last picture….I can still remember it T_____T

The last picture is of my grandmother being almost 90% translucent and she was flying at me and her face was kinda scared, and like she’s also trying to tell me something.

Then I went on a statue-destroying rampage and started throwing the altars around wtf. There was a mysterious statue of Bruce Lee too, of which I flung out of the house angrily while shouting “Give me my family back!!!”

The end, dog was still chewing on my arm while I was being all king kong with the statues.

Actually now that I retell it, I don’t know why I woke up shivering and breaking out in cold sweat because I kinda seem pretty kickass awesome in the dream.

One girl (and a dog who likes to chew on arm when scared), 30 missing family members, tons of scary gods – coming your way this summer. directed by m. night shyamalan.

523

Full of trash

Hello,

I feel weird posting something totally unrelated to the below entry right after it..but here’s a story about my life in college.

Before I begin, a big thank you to all the comments and kind words! I really appreciate them and I’ve read each and every comment at least twice. The main reason why I continue blogging despite all my half-hearted attempts at stopping is not because of the money (hell no), or the fame (brings more pain than pleasure actually), but it’s because I have the bestest readers in the world. I have extremely considerate and appreciative readers who take the time to know me beyond what I portray here, readers who always try to understand, readers who are just..more than mere hits on my daily hit counter. That is really the sole driver of my passion to blog :)

Anywayyy all emoness aside, here’s my sad life story. Actually it’s not sad at all I’m just exaggerating.

I don’t know if you guys remember, but I used to have a job as a ball collector right? What the hell is a ball collector I hear you ask from the back of the room. Well you know when you play soccer and when you kick the ball way out of the field? Someone has to immediately put another ball in and then go run after the kicked ball right? Well I was that someone wtf

Anyway that’s old story.

The new story is this: I got a new job on campus and guess what it is! It’s a very important job that has taught me so much about life, much more than what college has taught me. The official name for the job is Residence Hall Work Chair but it’s essentially a…..jeng jeng jeng…trash collector wtf

When Audrey did it last time when she was at college, I told myself when I sometimes accompany her on her rounds that when I’m a senior god forbid if I ever become a trash collector too but oh look, I AM a senior and I AM a trash collector wtf

Well the job is actually quite amazing, contrary to popular belief. I am hoping that I will someday publish a book on “How Collecting Trash Taught Me About Life”.

No, I’m seriously saying this with a straight face! You learn so much from just doing something so “low-class” and “dirty” ok!

LESSON ONE: Always be considerate

I want to choke on blood every time I see BANANA SKINS and MUFFINS and SANITARY PADS in the bin for mixed paper. Hello are you really a college student?? Do you not know food is not paper wtf! Did you know WHO has to take your rotten food out of the bin and put them in the appropriate place???

It’s not the sorting out garbage that disgusts me, it’s more the people who couldn’t even pause for one second before they throw their trash in the recycling bins that kills me everytime GRRR

So, after doing this job, I’m always very aware on my actions and how they’ll impact other people’s lives. Wah wah hahha

LESSON TWO: Never be embarrassed of something you’re proud of

That’s right! I’m actually proud of my job. For one, it’s a very important job ok somebody gotta throw your trash out. Also, I’m earning an honest living which will hopefully help pay off my loan later. Although I might have to collect trash every minute for 3 years before I can pay it all off wtf

So..I’ve learned to not cringe in shame everytime someone walk past me while I carefully pick their stupid food out of the bin. In fact, these days, I WANT people to see me doing the trash. Cause I really hope that maybe it’ll hit them that holy shit a human being is actually doing it and not a robot! I better becareful where I throw my trash now. But slim chance lah sigh

LESSON THREE: How to take the trash out, tie it, put another bag in, wrap it around the bin tightly and then tie it in record time

Yeah I’ve totally mastered the above skill! Now I can do it in about 2.5 minutes! I double bag the bins too ok! I’m soooo good at this now I swear I can do this for a living wtf. I have amassed enough work experience for all trash collecting companies to want to hire me wtf

Okay that’s all. I want to make a personalized badge that says “I’m a trash collector and I’m proud of it!” and wear it everyday when I work wtf

How’s that for a stupid post? I think emo suet is better than this stupid rambly suet who bullshits way too much hahaha

810

The Axe Effect

So something weird has been happening lately..

A few friends of mine have been calling me up to tell me that they saw my boyfriend hanging out with different girls and they were quite concerned. When I first heard it, I was very confused as well and obviously didn’t believe them. But today, I saw a bunch of papers in his pocket:

Ok fine, so I didn’t “see” the papers, I looked for evidence in his pocket and found them. Oh well but you know what I mean, see/found no difference lah wtf
Soooo like the typical intrusive girlfriend that I am, I asked a detective friend of mine (yeah so I actually hired a detective…that’s not weird at all no) to sort of spy on him.

Spy is quite a strong word lah, I just asked him to you know..follow him around and take a few pictures. Totally not weird at all, girlfriends do that all the time. He just showed me the pictures so I thought I’d share to see what you guys think.

Hmm..?

Nandeska???

Why suddenly so many different girls approaching my boyfriend???

I confronted him with these pictorial evidences and he was equally confused as well as to why he is attracting more girls lately. After a looong confrontation and interrogation, we finally came to a conclusion that all these happened ever since he started using Axe.

But how can that attract so many girls??? It’s merely a deodorant.. heck I don’t even use deodorant but still can attract guys WTF (you know, natural pheromones wtf)

That was before I watched this video and found out for myself why they were actually attracted to Barry..

Whoaaaaaaaaaa!!!

First of all, why are all the girls so pretty wtf

Secondly, can Axe really change how the girls see him?? (must watch the video to find out. EH watch lah I susah payah do)

What is Axe, really? Axe is actually a household brand in the US and is branching into Malaysia. It’s a line of deodorant body spray catered to men and its tagline is it will get you girls in no time (like my boyfriend, who attracted 4 different girls in a few hours alone)

Axe Click – fresh and airy with a tinge of spice

Attracts glamorous girls

And camwhores wtf

Axe Pulse – fresh and energizing with a sexy citrus scent

Attracts sporty and active girls

Axe Vice – arresting fusion of fruity sweetness

Attracts nice pure girls

Axe Dark Temptation – An oriental aromatic and woody mixture

Attracts sophisticated sensuous ladies (Nerds are very sensuous one ok. I would know cause I’m a nerd wtf)

So guys, go get your Axe today to witness for yourself the true power of the Axe effect.

Girls, time to put your boyfriends on leashes! Hahaha

Also, remember to be a fan of Axe on Facebook to see more videos on the Axe Effect (although mine still the best nyehehe tak tau malu)

(Disclaimer: no girls were let near my boyfriend in the making of this video wtf)

P.S: Thanks Ringo for the wigs! ♥ Without them my other identities would not have emerged hahaha

1,015

Artwork

I’m taking a break from writing my paper even though I haven’t actually started writing it………well, I’m allowed to take breaks whenever I want OK!!!!!! *defensive wtf

So, I don’t really have anything to blog about since nothing exciting has happened to me all week (aside from my grandma’s death which I wouldn’t call exciting at all). I’m trying to refrain from going I WANT TO DIE I HAVE SO MUCH WORK and proceed listing down ALL the crazy papers I have to write but it’s so hard. Writing papers has dominated my life and soul for all eternity.

Speaking of kicking my paper’s ass (yeah I do that often, I always go speaking of blablabla, without having actually talked  about blablabla in the first place. yeah I’m random like that, cannot ah? do you have a problem with that cause I don’t. so there. wtf is wrong with me why am I so defensive today???)

Anyway sorry. Speaking of kicking my paper’s ass, I’ll show you what I call a true work of art.

Upon mentioning that I shall kick my paper’s ass and show him who’s boss, Barry produced the most skillful artwork I have seen in a long long time. It’s a drawing of what seems like an incredibly ugly foot with a missing toe with great detail of even the..bulge in your ankle thingy whatever that is called kicking a paper with unflattering buttcheeks.

The paper has a face and seems to be in pain, the foot hits the ass with a swoosh and a dush, indicated by the “sound effect” in the drawing and there also appears to be a dysfunctional, painfully bent little toe.

Truly, a work of art.

While I’m at this, let’s see more drawings by Barry over the few months!

This was a few months back when I told him I couldn’t sleep cause my eyes refused to be closed for some reason. Following the encounter I had with a “Buddhist ghost” last summer, he thought this time I have another ghost propping my eyes open.

Let’s analyze this picture too. The ghost in question seems to look a lot like Casper the Friendly Ghost with its tongue sticking out mischievously and everything. He also took the time to actually label the blanket, for fear that I might not know it’s a blanket when he took so much time drawing it. The blanket must have meant a lot for it was the only thing that was labeled but till today, I’ve failed to understand its significance to the overall drawing. Why wasn’t my hair labeled? Why wasn’t my eyes labeled? Why wasn’t the ghost labeled?? Such confounding questions can only be answered by the true artist of this extremely poignant drawing.

Truly, a work of art.

Lastly, I present to you the last piece of this week’s marvelous artwork.

This was the most disturbing drawing of the lot. This was after I told him about the pork chopping ceremony we had in HK. He was quite confused about the whole ceremony hence, the drawing to ask me if this was what happened.

Let’s look at the drawing again and ponder on the complexity and meaning behind such violent depiction of a seemingly harmless and fun activity of chopping the pig with a butcher knife. First of all, the thing that bothered me most in this picture is how the pig’s tail remained upright despite the fact that he was hung upside down with a rope. The theory of gravity has failed here, sorry Newton.

The person in question only has four fingers and this also bothers me. Whatever happened to his other finger?? Did the pig bite it off so that’s why he’s embarking on a vengeful mission to kill the pig now??

The amazing details in the knife, the number of teeth that person has, and the red marks on the pig make this picture like they say, truly a work of art. Clap clap.

OK now that I’ve been entertained, it’s back to writing the paper!!! I shall kick his ass hard tonight!

751

Everybody’s got something to hide except me and my monkey

Hello everyone! I’m le back in my le college! I’m adding le in my sentences in an effort to sound more French cause I’m le tired so I should sleep THEN FIRE ZE MISSILES! wtf it’s an inside joke from youtube’s End of Ze World.

Anyway, I’m back! First day of classes went fine except that it’s slowly dawning upon me that I’ll die before I can finish my requirements for a double major. I’m taking three highest level classes now and I have to write well, not much, about 150-200 pages in total which is you know, totally do-able. I have 10 hours of lab a week, on top of lectures and discussions already. Totally do-able sap sap water *waves hand dismissively but with knees wavering at the same time wtf

Serious academic stuff aside, I’m pretty happy being back so far. It’s good to come back to this intellectually stimulating place that constantly pushes me far beyond what I think I’m capable of. This is going to be a good semester, I can tell already :)

Ok pictas to lessen the boringness of this post!

MK, a very very kind reader, mailed me these goodies last month! As you can see, it’s really a biggg box filled with all kinds of random japanese snacks and products. Thank you so much! I love love love the post-it notes attached to everything explaining what they are. I especially love the heated eye masks! ^_^

Audrey bought me this key necklace from japan! It’s such an apt gift cause my previous key pendant lost some diamantes already. Loveee it so much!

One fine day when it was cold as hell and I was damn brave to just wear this *smug

AHAHHAHA BARRY’S FACE HAHAHA! his eyes are like you know the cartoon eyes! Don’t know how to explain but they look exactly like that!

my stupid face not stupid also =.=

let’s zoom in on barry’s face shall we wtf

HAHAHHA don’t know look like what wtf. I tried doing this but I don’t think it’s humanly possible to make your cheeks so bloated..at least not for me

(i bet some of you tried doing this nyehehe)

ok ok a normal picture of him, although he looked surprised here

ok tell you an embarrassing story but you must promise not to tell anyone wtf

So..I saw this dress and it was 50% off BUT the only size left was US size 0. I’m a US size 4 so it’s impossible to fit into this dress but I thought haih just try lah maybe I did lose weight *delusional wtf

I tried putting it on but had some troubles but I thought nevermind must be more determined WTF don’t see myself this determined when it comes to looking for internships also wtf

Then tada! it fit! hallelujah! but it didn’t look that amazing so I wanted to take it off…but I couldn’t!!!!!!!!!

no..matter…how..hard…i..tried.

Seriously trying hard is an understatement of how I struggled to get out of that dress. I almost tore my flesh!!!!!!!!! I was contemplating asking Barry to come in with a pair or scissors or just go out with this dress and buy it right there and then. But again, my determination kicked in, stronger than ever. No way I’m gonna spend $10 on a dress I’m going to rip off later!

Le finally, I took le dress off after tearing some of the skin and flesh from my hips T___T figure of speech lah it won’t be funny at all if I really did tear my skin and flesh off T____T go hospital with blood dripping down my legs and when the doctor asks why, I’d have to say in a matter-of-fact voice “oh no big deal, I tried taking a dress off” wtf

Stupid me, size 4 then size 4 lah want to pretend I’m size 0 for what!

So the end and the moral of the story is: lose some weight, then FIRE ZE MISSILES HAHAHHA GOD I’M SO FUNNY wtf cannot lah this joke not funny if you haven’t seen that video hahaha

p.s: guess who sang this song (without googling!)

297

Hungry ghost

Yesterday something really strange happened to me!

I arrived at work an hour earlier  as usual cause Barry had to drop me off first before going to his office. I usually read in that hour but sometimes, I’ll take a nap. There’s this room with comfy sofa and that’s where I will leisurely take a nice long nap ^_^

Anywayyy, I was taking my usual nap yesterday when I heard noises outside. I went out and saw that one of my colleagues had arrived so I said hi and went back to sleep wtf. 5 minutes later, I heard her talking to someone else about nasi lemak and I tried to wake up but I couldn’t!!!!

Like I’m fully awake but I cannot open my eyes physically! So weird!

I tried for a few seconds then thought what the hell I’ll just go back to sleep wtf

So I slept again and woke up again 5 minutes later cause I heard people talking outside and I didn’t wanna sleep too long when all my colleagues had arrived. So I tried opening my eyes again and couldn’t!!!

Can you imagine the feeling?? It wasn’t like someone was pressing their fingers on my eyes, but my eyes just refused to open!

Then, like any other normal sane person, I started praying WTF

I sat up, crossed my legs, put my palms against each other and started going namotassa bhagavato cause that was the closest thing I know that sounded prayer-ish wtf

THEN guess what????? I could open my eyes again!!!!!!!!! Thank you Buddha!

HOW WEIRD IS THAT?? Must be a Buddhist ghost around me wtf

Then!

I went out and saw that all my other colleagues hadn’t arrived! Who did I hear talking about nasi lemak?? Maybe I was hungry wtf

Today I was so scared to come earlier but I didn’t have a choice and I really wanted to take a nap so I just slept.  Nap>ghosts

And guess what! No ghosts!  ^_^ wtf

619

Young Suet

Last week when I just came back, I woke up at 8am cause of the jetlag. I thought I could go online but Streamyx was down so I started looking through allll my photo albums. I already wrote a post about my evolution from when I was 15-now so now I shall bring you through a journey of what young Suet was like from she was 1 to 13 wtf.

I think I was quite a cute baby last time wtf

I was about 1 or 2 here. I was the first baby in my family so I was very very loved.

See! crying also still so adorable right wtf

With my sister who was very bald last time. Then my parents shaved her head  in hopes that hair would grow and now her hair is so thick!

Around 5 to 6 years old, still quite cute! Aww I couldn’t help smiling when I saw how sweet I was (self praise is no praise wtf)

My brother is sooooo freaking cute here omg! This was when suddenly all the kids got chicken pox. Nope that cute girl is not me, it’s my sister.

Cause when I was 7….

I got a tiny bit fatter..

And I never stopped growing horizontally ever since wtf

Can you spot me? wtf

HAHHAHAHA I can’t get over how funny my face is hahahha

HAHAHHAHA!!! My grandmother made my clothes for me and I specifically asked her this:

“Ah ma ah ma! Please buy the cloth with vertical lines so it’ll make me look thinner!”

HAHAHHAHAHAA guess what..I didn’t look any thinner also wtf

Then I turned 9…

And the nightmare started…

My side profile! So pretty hor ^_^ wtf

I was 12 here! Look at my shoes hahahha I thought they could make me taller than my friends so I wouldn’t look so fat wtf

What can I say, I was one emo kid..

Seriously I look like I was mad at the whole world or something hahahaha FML fuck everyone fuck the world wtf

And the icing on the cake with cherry on top would be this picture:

HAHHAHAHHA

GUESS WHICH ONE IS ME!!

jeng jeng jeng!!!

jeng jeng jeng! (not the baby ok)

hahahahhaaha

This one not as scary as the home video I’m watching with Barry and my mom now! I was one crazy giant monster there hahaha

ok the end of embarassing myself.

Shit I feel like eating something but scared already after seeing all these pictures wtf

437

Project 365 and beyond

Project 365- take one picture that summarizes your day everyday. 3, 2, 1, go!

#1 : 18th of February 2009

When the snow finally melted, the first patch of green grass emerged and the squirrels came out to play, but someone thought it was funny to let it snow again today. When I thought spring has cometh finally, I came to the realization that nothing will ever go my way when I want it most. So I’m more than ready to alter and reshape and accommodate my expectations now. If spring doesn’t want to come now, then let it be.

Yesterday was a day choked with all kinds of emotions possible. I was excited yet scared at the same time, happy yet worried, anxious yet calm, and super stressed. I think I’m really bad at dealing with stress cause instead of stopping it, I let in engulf me completely and tell me what to do instead. But the best thing about stress is it comes and goes. It doesn’t stay in your head forever, like a toxin that gets washed away in your blood stream after some time.

So today I woke up with a solution to all that stress and instead of spending so much time worrying and thinking about it, I just let my heart tell me what to do and I think it’s the right thing after all.

——–

On a completely unrelated and un-emo post, I really have to tell you this. Of all the things I’ve learned from living in a dorm community, the knowledge I cherish most is my ability to put an invisible cloak on myself and just pretend I don’t exist- especially when I’m in the communal bathroom. You have no idea how awkward it is to go into the bathroom when you need to take the biggest dump of your life and see people in there too.

So, I have mastered several very high-skilled techniques that I have perfected over the years. Unfortunately, some daft people never seem to master these skills and have left me very very disappointed.

Case in question is this:

So I was taking my shower leisurely, squeezing some shampoo on my hand, singing to myself lalala when suddenly, I heard this hugeeee splash followed by the smelliest stench I’ve ever smelt in my life. Oh noesss it’s the case of the girl who’s shitting but is too dumb to master these techniques!! AND I was trapped cause I was still showering!!!

Technique number 1:

When you know you’re going to take a dump, you must come prepared. First of all, take some toilet paper and throw it into the toilet bowl. I KNOW I’M WASTING TREES but what the heck it’s just two pieces of toilet paper anyway I KNOW THAT IS 1/8418410 of a tree but listen I’m saving you from further embarrassment.

The purpose of the paper is to cushion your erm..excrement/feces/shit wtf when it falls, so as to prevent the huge splash/ugly “doooop” sound wtf hahahah don’t know how to explain lah!

Technique number 2:

You have to be good at physics for this. You must know yourself how big your feces will be exactly, so you know when exactly to push the flush button. When the feces unattaches itself from your erm..lubang anus WTF, you must be quick and agile so you can push the flush immediately (you can practice this by dropping something on your floor and try to hit the floor before it touches, if you hit the floor after the thing falls, you fail. try again next time)

BUT! becareful! If you push it too early, the flush will only serve to disguise the “dooop” sound but your feces won’t be flushed down (unless if it’s a big flush..thingy). Therefore, you must push it right at the moment BEFORE it touches the water so the flush will not only help to disguise the sound, but will also suck your shit in so it won’t stay there in the toilet bowl and stink up the entire bathroom!!!!

I think flushing really works to prevent the smell of the shit to travel around the air and cause further harm to other unsuspecting victims in the bathroom.

Actually that’s all no other techniques. however, if you’re a tree-hugger/environmentalist, you probably won’t want to do this cause it wastes paper and water but pleaseeee, do it when you know someone else is in the bathroom too!

You have no idea how unpleasant my entire showering experience was thanks to the girl who was shitting but was too unskilled in covering the smell/sound of her feces. What made it worse was the fact that today is Suet’s Dirty Hair day so I had to wash my hair = taking more time in the shower = pure uncalled for suffering T_______T

I tried to drown my miseries my using more shampoo to mask the stench but the it was too strong and even defeated the smell of my shampoo T_T

I then tried stuffing my face in the water the entire time but I almost drowned wtf hahahaha FML

Anyway it’s great that you’re taking the biggest shit of your life, really, I’m truly happy for you and you really deserve this big dump after days of constipation but please oh pleaseee spare my life!! Have mercy! Flush your shit down! You can sit there for an entire hour for all I care but please flush everytime you have shit sitting there in the toilet bowl or else it’ll smell really bad!

Maybe I should print this out and paste it on the toilet stalls. Community service, please read this first wtf.

190

Suet 101

(brought to you by Barry)

SUET 101: INTRODUCTION TO DATING A SUET

Syllabus for Dec 2004 – Possibly the Rest of Your Life


BRIEF DESCRIPTION: This is the only required full-credit course in the Relationship department you will ever need to take. Work is ungraded, but a pass is necessary in order to graduate. The course covers myriad areas, which will develop the student’s multidisciplinary approach to life. A low pass will ensure a swift kick to the kneecaps, while an F will lead to a lifetime of crying in dark corners, wondering where it all went wrong. This is your life.

INSTRUCTOR: Mistress Liew Suet Li, Dmntrx

PREREQUISITES:
Wit, sarcasm, excellent command of English, good looks. The former prerequisite of being Malay no longer applies this semester. Patience, although not a prerequisite, has been shown to be a major bonus in this course, because the instructor has none.

REQUIRED WORK

Daily reading assignment: www.sweatlee.com. Rote memorization is necessary, as surprise quizzes may arise on the whims of the instructor, sometimes on obscure reading topics from months back (eg. She first felt homesick on 23/10/07). Quizzes do not count in the final grade, but may determine the instructor’s willingness to award “extra credit”. Leaving a comment in new entries counts as part of your homework grade. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the shins.

Mathematics:
Since the instructor is such a scrooge, the student is expected to keep up while shopping and help calculate the biggest savings. If it’s not worth it, drop it. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the kneecaps. Math skills are also essential in calculating when the instructor’s period will be arriving. Be alert, one wrong miscalculation will lead to days of doom and gloom. A menstruating Suet is not a happy Suet.

Biology: The Biology portion of this course ties in with the Math portion; knowing the instructor’s menstrual cycle by heart will help prevent scares in the process of obtaining extra credit *cough cough*. A physician’s understanding of the instructor’s body will lead to extra EXTRA credit. Failure to pass the Biology portion will NOT result in a swift kick to anything but your own ego.

Music: Since the instructor is not musically gifted, this means you will have to compensate for her lack of talent. The ability to play an instrument is a plus, as has been shown in previous semesters, but is not a guarantee to passing the course, as has also been shown in previous semesters. Shamelessness is a must; the student is expected to sing along loudly with the instructor whenever the whim strikes her. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the back of the head.

Gastronomy: The student must learn the vital life-skill of cooking, as the instructor lives for food, not you. Assisting the instructor in the kitchen is vital. Appear knowledgeable and be helpful. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick in the buttocks and no extra credit *cough cough*.

History: An acute encyclopediaic knowledge of the instructor’s past and dramas with her friends, AND her friends’ drama with their friends, or her friends’ friends’ drama with THEIR friends. When the instructor is detailing the dramas of her life, the student is expected to interject with “yah, you’re absolutely right!”, “yer what a bitch!”, and “damn stupid lah she!” if the instructor is bitching about someone else. The student MUST also be encouraging at all times, even if he disagrees with the instructor, as the instructor is always right. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the ears.

Art/Fashion: For extra credit opportunities *cough cough*, the student should possess some degree of creativity in class (eg. a date somewhere “different”, like say, an airport) and in the optional homework (eg. something like a bag of Hershey’s Kisses with messages inside) that he chooses to hand up. A keen eye for style will help the student make comments/suggestions on the instructor’s outfit. As these are only extra credit opportunities, no swift kicks will be dealt if the student fails to do as suggested.

Telepathy:
The most important of all skills, the student is expected to know and understand EXACTLY what the instructor is thinking. This survival skill helps immensely when the instructor is going apeshit on you; the student is expected to know why immediately. Failure to do so will result in a swift kick to the bollocks, and a couple of days of cancelled classes. Occasionally, the instructor may assign an ESP test, also known as the BazSuet ESP Test. Passing this test with flying colors means extra EXTRA credit *cough cough*.

TRICK QUIZZES: These quizzes are designed to keep the student on his toes. The instructor may throw you a question when you least expect it. For example, “Baby, honestly, am I fat?”, and “Eh, do you think this girl is hot?” The first question warrants an instant denial, and the second must be followed by a second or two of faked “honest” contemplation, and a “Not really, her [insert body part] is too big/small. I give her a 6/10″ Failure to answer as such will result in Chun-Li-style swift kicks all over. Passing this quiz is vital to survival, not just for graduation.

FINAL EXAMS:
Final exams are held daily, at the end of the day. If the instructor still considers you her boyfriend, be grateful that you have passed another daily exam, then gaze down at the bruises from all those swift kicks, and wonder why you ever signed up for this course.

317

How I lost my phone

Yesterday I lost my phone and thus began the most terrifying 12 hours of my life. Losing my phone has never been a big deal to me cause I used to have this lousy butterfly 8250 phone which no one wants to steal anyway. (classic joke I like to retell over and over again: everytime we go to a mamak or something, I’d leave my phone on the table without worrying whether people would steal it or not since it’s so old. My friend said if someone wants to steal my phone, instead of stealing it, he’d slip in some money for me so I can get a better phone wtf hahahaha how come I still find this funny)

The first time I lost my phone was in form 4. I just got this brand new Nokia 3310 (you know the big super bulky one with Snake 2 wtf) and I just had the cover changed into some pink transparent cover. Not only that, I bought this huge sticker of a dragon (omg…) with glitters (omg….) and stuck it at the back of the phone. IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, I got those beads thingy that’s supposed to spell your name or something.

Tell you something funny. The minimum number of beads you have to get is 4 so I was trying hard to think of what word I should put. 4 letters: SUET duh!! But guess what I put. In a pathetic attempt to sound cool..I chose DUDE.

D U D E

T_________T Why??? WHY?? why on earth I want to see the word dude everytime I reach for my phone??

And there’s more! I also bought this thing that would light up whenever someone calls wtf. Damn cool man me! Got 3310 with pink transparent cover with dragon sticker with glitter AND this DUDE thing hanging from it AND NOT ONLY THAT IT ALSO LIGHTS UP WHEN PEOPLE CALL OK! I should have won the award for the coolest person at school.

Anyway that’s beside my point. I don’t even remember what was I talking about before this wtf. Oh yeah my cool phone that was stolen. So it was sports day and I stupidly brought my cool phone along. You know back then I was quite athletic one wtf so I had 3 events that day and I was trying to think of ways to run the 200m, 400m and 800m with my cool phone. Maybe insert it in my sports bra or something WTF

Alas I didn’t and had to leave my phone in my school bag near the tent…..and lo and behold….when I came back…..my phone was gone T___________T

Why would anyone steal my cool phone? HUH! Did that person know how much money and time I spent on decorating it!

So yeah anywayyyyyy, that was my first time having my phone stolen which was also why I never believe in having a nice phone anymore lest it gets stolen again.

OK back to my story of how I lost my phone again. Damn I’m such a good storyteller wtf

Yesterday I went to watch the acapella groups sing and I think I probably left my phone on the seat. I only realized around midnight when I was about to sleep and panicked like crazy CAUSE MY PHONE DAMN NICE OK

My super nice phone. Super nice lah compared to my nokia 8250 which had blue screen, monophonic ringtone, no camera, no walkman etc and only had snake 2

So I couldn’t sleep the entire night and when I did finally fall asleep, I kept dreaming about my phone and how I actually found my phone. When that happened, I kept waking up thinking that I really did find my phone and got disappointed cause it was only a dream. I guess what you were thinking the night before does formulate your dreams. Oh but I also dreamed that I became a lesbian and my gf is this super hot and quirky girl teehee

I woke up today, got dressed and ran to the hall where I left my phone. What if someone took it already T__T I have some scandalous pictures in my phone okkkk (actually just one picture of my tummy wtf one day I was sitting down and was amazed that my tummy is so big from my POV so I took a pic wtf)

Good news is my phone was still there! yays a happy ending to my long tale! I wasn’t really super worried too cause the phone was free and people here are pretty nice. I’m sure if someone finds my phone, she’ll definitely return it to me. Such is the honesty of women worldwide wtf

Ah my good ol’ phone, what will I do without thee?

p.s: i’m trying very hard to decrease the amount of wtfs I use but it’s so hard when everything I said is so wtf-ish! how how how!

p.p.s: *serious mode on

I’m applying for funding from my college for me to do a research in malaysia this summer but I have no idea what research to do! I’m majoring in Economics and Psychology so my research has to have something to do with both. If anyone has any idea/knows people who have done this sort of research before, please please let me know. Thanksss!