HELLO!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for MIA-ing! I haven’t been particularly busy but just couldn’t find the energy to blog. I know I said I won’t be talking about teaching in this post but I seriously tried sitting down to think about what to write besides my life as a teacher…and I couldn’t think of anything! I guess I live, eat, and breathe teaching. My whole life revolves around it so much that it’s so hard to separate cikgu suet from normal suet.

But the good news is…school holidays are coming!

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS HOLIDAY you have no idea. For the last school holiday, we had to go for training 24/7 and had tons of assignments to work on, but we’re absolutely freeeee this holiday! It’s TWO glorious weeks of not having to think about school! Well, not really. I have lots of exam papers to mark and to key data in to analyze. I also have to dedicate at least a whole day on planning better for semester 2 of school. My class culture is spiraling down to the depths of hell and I need to reinforce the culture of achievement again in class.

But can you believe it?? Semester 1 is coming to an end! I’ve been a teacher for half a year! This is both a happy and scary thought, because although I’ve survived 5 months, I also realized that I haven’t actually done enough. Progress has been excruciatingly slowwww and I need to work much harder for the next semester. I can’t let my kids finish this year without making incremental changes. Actually, I can’t let myself not be a good enough teacher to make pivotal changes for them.

Will think about that later, right now I just can’t stop thinking about next week.

I will be going to Perhentian next week so I’m incredibly excited about it! Sun! Sea! Sand! Serenity! I can now finally read a book for fun (been dying to read my unopened 1Q84 for months now)! I just want to lie at the beach reading my book with my Ipod and with amazing company. I’m going with my fellow fellows and since we’re all poor teachers, the trip is gonna be super low budget too so don’t have to worry about overspending!

Here are some pictures I took over the last few weeks, most of them are quite interesting! (of course, my life is super interesting ok. I was just telling my boyfriend that I cannot imagine how it’ll be like after the 2 years. ANYTHING I do after that will pale in comparison in excitement since it’ll definitely be nowhere as challenging anymore. I really should cherish the remaining year and half!)

So let’s start from where I left of the other day. Remember we got into the state championship for choral speaking?

These are my choral speakers practising hard in the bus on the way to the competition. It was a 2.5 hour bus ride so we were really nervous and went over the script a few times!

Unfortunately, we lost The competition was crazyyyyy and my kids were so intimidated when they heard the other schools speaking in English to each other too! We lost to SMK King George V but they were absolutely amazing! Top-notch performance so they deserved the win!

We were sad but also inspired to try better next year. When I told the kids that we’ll still have KFC anyway (that was what they wanted if they had won), they were ecstatic! Ah kids, so easy to please.

This is my most challenging class. I took this cause I was so happy that they were very engaged that day! This is an activity where I divide them into groups and give each group a plastic sheet (cheaper alternative to a whiteboard) and marker pen. I’ll write questions on the board (usually grammar ques) and they’ll write the answers!

One student’s depiction of me with glasses haha I look like catwoman with baju kurung!

Ok this is SUPER cute! I get my best classes to keep a journal each where they’ll have to write about the topic I give them and about their reflections of the class. This really helps me to know them better personally, and especially if they understood what I taught that day. I also get them to write about what they like/dislike about my class so I know what to improve on.

The topic of the week was on “love” and the girls went crazy with it! They divulged pages and pages of their innermost feelings on the crushes they have and it was so nice to read! Haha actually I’m just a kepoh teacher.

I love getting them to write in their journals cause it shows them that English is beyond just memorizing grammar rules and churning boring essays for exams. English should be fun! and they need to practise more than just writing in class.

So after reading a few journals about crushes, I was laughing out loud when I saw this:

HAHAHAAH! This was written by a boy and it was soooo adorableeee!

These are all from students from my best class, who are all averaging at about 60% right now. Quite a depressing figure, so can you imagine students from other classes? Lots of work for me to do still.

The scary road I take to send some kids home after extra class. They did well that day, so I rewarded them with burgers from this burger stall in the middle of the darkness just a little further down this road. We ate our burgers in the dark in the middle of nowhere while discussing about the huge snake (7 ft long!) they saw and how monstrous it was etc.

I looked at them in amusement while they were animatedly talking about the snake and thought to myself, “these kids know more than I actually do in some aspects, and to think that I pity them for being illiterates when they’re probably thinking the same about me not knowing their world”. It’s defining moments like this…….

One of the journal entries. hahhahahahaha!! Never thought me wearing makeup will make that much of a difference! She said my eyes are too small without makeup and it makes her feel sleepy!

How to write a narrative. This is why it takes me forever to prepare lessons, I usually have 3-4 mahjong papers for each topic!

The sad reality of our current education system, where students literally lift model answers from books and memorize them for exams (something I was guilty of doing before too). How do you learn the language this way?? This was for their BM class. Say no to spoonfeeding!

With Angie and a few other teachers for Teacher’s Day! My first ever Teacher’s Day T____T We had to play bola jaring, I missed it so much!

With some of my Form 1 kids. I need to take more pictures cause I know I’ll miss them so much later!

Teacher’s Day gifts! So nice of them to write me cards and buy me stuff *touched

So I wrote them thank you cards in return

After the other students saw this, a few started making belated cards for me too haha

Invigilating is the most boring job in the entire world. Being a teacher has given me the superpower of having 360 degrees eyesight, so no one dares to mess with me when I invigilate. Kidding..they mess with me all the time cause I’m not strict at all T__T

One time, they were done with their exam papers and were making so much noise, so I had to resort to creative means to quiet them down. So I put a bottle on my head and walked down the middle of the class to divert their attention. I started putting more things on my head and tried balancing them. They probably thought I was a super sohai teacher T_T

Half the stuff that were donated to me and sent to my school! Thank you so much everyone for everything, these things have been soooo useful! I give the gifts out as rewards and my kids love the wordsearch books

Recently, an anonymous donor donated a whole bunch of stuff to me, and these are very very expensive stuff too so I feel incredibly blessed! Thank you so much for all your support *tear

I was so excited when I did this cause I’ve always seen teachers back in my high school doing this and it looks so convenient!

But my excitement quickly dwindled down when I realized that it’s no longer fun when you have hundreds of them to do. Still got essays to mark *wails

And marking is the easy part. Data tracking and analyzing will be hardddd. Who wants to help me key in marks?? I belanja teh tarik.

Boys watching nervously as the girls check their bags during spotcheck. Super nostalgic! I was once a prefect too haha

I was marking papers in class and when I looked up, this was what greeted me  -_________-

This boy is super cheeky but in a adorable loving way! Once, he came to me hurriedly when I entered the class and asked if I’d like to see my future. I was like “errr..sure…” and he drew a very old wrinkly woman on the board, explaining how I get the wrinkles and how my hair will be white and eyes will be blind etc. -_________-

Bought this yesterday cause I was so depressed after marking their papers. They didn’t do very well and it made me doubt if I’m doing enough but it’s okay, will work harder!

Came back from class today and saw this on my table!

It’s a bunch of letters by this girl and she thought she’d write to me a chronicle of her life so far since she was bored during exam one day. and the best part is, they’re all written in English!!!

Lastly, I really wanna end this post and semester on a good note so I’m glad I saw this while flipping a student’s book! I wrote her a comment after her essay, saying that she’s doing really well in class and asked her to keep it up. This was her comment to me after that.

T__________T

No, thank YOU for inspiring me to soldier on everyday.

Okay that’s all for today’s update! Gonna watch an episode of Grey’s Anatomy since I don’t have to lesson plan for tomorrow (exam week). Thanks for reading!

i have so much to talk about, but blogging seems to be so time-consuming. whatever happened to me! i keep wanting to document every little thing but have been very bad at it. anyway, i’m actually pretty sick of teaching-related posts so the next post will be about me! finally! but you’ll have to bear with this one first.

if there’s one phrase i can use to describe teaching, it’ll be “it’s worth every damned thing”. here’s why:

i’m super proud of my 34 kids who have been practising everyday for the past month for the choral speaking competition. on the very first day of our practice, i told our principal that i will make sure we win the district championship if she allowed me to take school time to practise. i went to my kids after that, worried, because i just made a really big (seemingly impossible) promise. we are a kampung school, english is not their first or even second language, 90% of the kids had no experience with choral speaking, AND even I don’t have any experience with it, how are we gonna win the more elite schools??

but we kept working hard anyway. whenever they faltered, i pushed them further, sometimes to the point that i feel was quite evil. i told them that if we don’t do our best, we might as well not join the competition at all. what’s the point of joining for the sake of joining, if we’re only mediocre? i swear i heard them muttering angry words at me with their teeth gritted when i made them repeat the same stanza a million times until they got it nailed.

anyway, guess what? all the hard work paid off cos we won the district championship! to be honest, the competition was meh, but it’s still a huge milestone for all of us! our school has never won anything english-related before, so everyone was beyond ecstatic!

they screamed when we were announced as the champion and immediately hugged me. the conductor (who also won the best conductor award) counted “1,2,3″ and everyone said “thank you teacher!!!” and bowed! wanted to cry then but have to maintain dictator face lol. most memorable moment of my teacher life so far T___T

this is a picture i took of them when they were on stage. i thought they did a pretty bad job (which i berated them for later, i’m so mean). now that we’re going to the state championship, we have been working twice as hard! my motto for them is: we might be village kids, but we can win too! hahaha so lame but they love it!

thought i’ll share this simple anecdote of pure unadulterated joy with all of you. things have been a huge roller-coaster in school, but i’ll take whatever small happiness i can get right now. i know we’ll not win the state championship for sure, but to see my kids speaking a hundred times more english than they have ever spoken in their entire lives, to see them screaming in joy and feeling confident for once, is worth every second, every drop of sweat, and every sigh of fatigue for me.

camwhore teacher.

being a teacher really makes me feel like a celebrity sometimes, cos the kids love to take pictures with and of me! whenever they bring their phones, i’ll sometimes catch them sneakily taking pictures of me (eating, talking, doing work etc). and these are 13 year old girls, not even some hormone-raging prepubescent boys! and they’ll shower me with compliments everyday! “teacher you’re so pretty” “teacher your eyes are shining beautifully” “teacher your hair looks so soft” and even “teacher your nails are so nice!” (in malay of course). this is a very ego-boosting job wtf

anyway, that’s all for now. wish us luck for the state championship!

Remember I said I would create a facebook page to accept donations? I did it a few minutes ago so do check it out! I listed out some of the things I need so see if you have anything you don’t need and would like to donate it to me (especially books).

Here’s the fb page: http://www.facebook.com/events/213953588719579/

(29 March 2012)

Today, I went into my weakest and most challenging class to teach them simple adjectives like sizes, colours, and shapes. Thirty minutes into the class, even with a lot of activities and drawing and colouring, my kids got me very frustrated for not knowing words like big, small, long, short. I mean, what did 6 years of primary school teach them??

So I did something irrational after I realized that it’s been almost four months of school and they still haven’t learned anything! These 25 kids need serious help. So I put them into groups based on where they live, and came up with 6 groups of 4-5 kids each. I told them that from now on, they’ll have extra class with me after school/at night and I’ll make sure they attend, even if it means I’ll have to get them and send them back.

They were shocked and immediately told me that some of them live deep in the jungle and there are ghosts everywhere at night. I’ve been to their houses before, they’re about 30 mins away and the road is actually quite scary even in the day. But I told them sternly that it’s ok, as long as they want to learn, I will make sure they get to learn.

“Teacher, betul ke ni? Banyak hantu tau?? Kat tepi sungai tu ada batu nisan tau??” (Teacher, are you sure? There are a lot of ghosts!! There are lots of tombstones near the river!)

But in my frustration and gungho-ness, not even ghosts can scare me wtf. Plus, I have to show my kids that I will do anything to help them and hopefully they’ll want to help themselves.

When I exited the class, I immediately regretted doing that. Am I out of my mind?? Here I am, struggling with everything as it is, and I have no idea if I am mentally or physically capable of pushing so far. They live pretty far away so I don’t know if I could drive when I’m already exhausted from teaching all day.

But I remember Rakis, my orang asli kid’s face and the conversation I had with him yesterday. He used to be a really happy kid, but the past few months he’s been very sullen and angry all the time. He said it’s cause he can’t understand anything, and I can’t give my attention to him cos everyone else is crying for help/running around beating people. Plus, on that day, he actually crumpled up the worksheet I gave out because he didn’t know how to do anything. Rakis needs help, and I’m at my wits’ end as to how to help him.

So I started with him and a few of my weakest but less misbehaving boys. I got them from their village and it was nice to see them waiting for me by the roadside in the darkness, with their backpacks and jeans and best shirts and eager smiles. We had a very productive night reading peter and jane and reviewing stuff learned in school. This pic is of rakis reading with utmost concentration, and he was SUPER focused the entire time I just wanted to hug him and tell him that he’s doing great. When the other kids were playing around, he continued reading out loud. When I asked them to come up with their own sentences with a verb and noun, they kept asking me for help but Rakis sat there and thought hard for his own sentences.

Rakis

Iqmal, thinking how to read “Here”. Every page has the same few words but he still couldn’t read them, but he never gave up trying.

This was taken by my housemate, Angie, last month when I had the first extra class. We don’t have a table and can’t afford to get one, so we made one with cardbox and a broken cupboard door hahaha. It collapsed and we rebuilt it with tape again and again.

These kids are really really weak, but they are so eager to learn. After this first extra class, one of them asked me EVERYDAY if he could come again. But because things have been crazy for me the past month with assignments (for my diploma in edu) and lesson planning, I kept telling him maybe next week, maybe next week. After a while, he gave up asking So I’m glad things got easier and I could have him over again a few days ago.

Anyway, when I sent them back, we listened to hitz fm and had a karaoke session in the car (mostly me singing haha). They were bickering about what was the singer singing, “cikgu itu “happy” kan?” “bukanlah “here” lah!” “bukan lah “him” lah!” (the word was “hero” but that’s beside the point). I told them to read any English books at home despite not understanding them and to listen to English radio stations.Then, I met some of their parents. Some were indifferent and didn’t care where their kid was, some were very appreciative. But they all had one similarity: they all came from homes that are very not conducive to learning. Dilapidated, noisy, dirty..

I drove home drained from the long day but I could still hear their voices in my car. It’s defining moments like this that made me realize that they’re worth pushing myself for, even if I have to start from scratch, from peter and jane book 1a.

—–

I have so many more stories to tell! Some hopeful, some downright depressing, some frustrating, some angry, some happy, some really emotional. I’ll get to them slowly when I have time. Thanks for reading despite the lack of updates!

—–

UPDATE: On Friday, the day after the extra class in my house, a teacher reported to me that he saw Rakis reading an ENGLISH BOOK during moral class. I shook him and begged him to tell me more, and he said Rakis was reading about simple body parts like eye, nose etc and seemed engrossed. I wanted to burst into tears, mostly because I was so touched at his determination. Then I told myself: one step at a time, one step at a time. Body parts now, Stephen King next.

Sometimes I beat myself up so much when my day goes wrong (allllllll the freaking time) but I try to remain positive about it. There are a lot of things that are beyond my locus of control and despite me wanting so much for my kids, sometimes I have to resign to the fate that today is just not the right day for them to learn. I feel conflicted though, because we only have this many schooling days in a year and if today is not the day, and tomorrow is not the day, and the rest of this week is not the day, then WHEN is it the day for them to be good and to learn successfully??

Teaching is so tough and challenging. Sometimes I feel like if I had a chance to talk to my one-year ago self, I’ll tell her to NOT choose this. If I knew how much tears and sweat would go into this, if I knew sometimes, how little can a teacher actually do to help change circumstances, if I knew how broken down I’ll be, I would tell her to run far far away from making this decision.

Yes, my spirits are very low right now. My motivation level is hovering dangerously close to zero, encroaching slightly to the negative side. I am feeling very unorganized, there are a million and one things to do outside teaching and I have not done any of them successfully. That would have been okay if my teaching is going well, but I’m beginning to feel like I’m a lousy teacher. I used to think that although I’m nowhere close to being transformational, I’m still somewhat an effective teacher. That seems like an incredibly naive thought in retrospect.

But I know I have to be strong enough to pick myself up. To some of my kids, I may be their only chance to get help from. I know I can’t beat myself up if by the end of the day, my kids did not master English enough to make me a really transformational teacher in terms of boosting their grades. I know I’ve spent a lot of time making sure my kids are not driven by exams, I’ve spent class time not drilling them to answer exam questions but to tell them how the world is like beyond their village, to tell them what Psychology and Law and Medicine and Economics all about, to encourage them to do their best even if they fail their exams, to sing English songs so they recognize the words they hear on radio, to talk about love, to be there for them as a big sister.

And that for me, is enough for now.

Since all of us don’t have our diploma in education, we’re actually studying WHILE working full time. We’re currently enrolled in University Utara Malaysia doing our Post-Graduate Diploma in Education (PGDE) and will have to attend classes twice a month and almost every school holiday. Not only that, we have tons of assignments to do – just like any other university student! which is mind blowing because we barely sleep as it is with our full time teaching job.

But I’m not complaining cause after this, I’ll be a certified teacher and will get another degree so yays! Just that I’m really really…reallllly dying since I’ve feeling quite burnt out and still didn’t have time to recuperate just yet. I’m just taking each day as it comes but I’m feeling quite sad actually because I don’t have time to plan better for my classes. I want to do SO MUCH more and be a better teacher cause the kids deserve that, but I’m just swamped right now

Anyway I was feeling quite nervous to go back to school because

1. I haven’t had time to really plan my lessons properly,

2. I knew the kids would be out of control after the holidays

3. I knew I need to reset the classroom culture (positive and negative reinforcements, consequences, rewards, class policies, rules, expectations etc) but I didn’t have time to prepare much!!! GAH so angry!

BUT!  my kids were surprisingly not out of control like I thought they would. I was imagining monkeys being released into the wild, books flying in all corners, kids thumping chest on their tables ala king kong. but nada, just kids who didn’t do their homework. Phew!

I’m entering my two most challenging classes tomorrow so I really hope they’ll be somewhat controllable too. I just need more time to PLAN PLAN PLAN! I need so much stuff: books (ESPECIALLY books, all kinds!), stationery, papers, volunteers!!!!!!, gifts as rewards, more hours in a day…..

I’ve been getting lotsa emails offering to help, so thank you so much! I just need to set up an FB page to list down what I really need, but I don’t have time to T_________T Will keep you guys updated when I do! But I won’t accept monetary contribution because it’s quite unethical I think, to ask for money using my kids.

Breathe breathe breathe. Just gotta breathe first then I’ll have the energy to push on further. Should I start taking chicken essence wtf? Vitamin C? What gives you more energy?

Ok abrupt end cause gonna collapse soon. Nap time then continue planning the night away. Fun fun fun.

–

As I plan my lessons for tomorrow after a very tiring long day, I ask myself what I actually want for my kids. All I want them to do is to be able to read Harry Potter, Enid Blyton, Stephen King and all the amazing novels I grew up with. I want them to read so they can imagine a world beyond where they live in now. I want them to read Frost, Poe, Shakespeare and Kipling and be inspired. I want them to watch movies without having to miss all the nice parts because their eyes were fixated on the subtitle.

I want them to challenge what they read and to think critically about everything. I want them to have an opinion and to not be afraid to stand by it. I want them to truly enjoy learning, to tell me that I’m not teaching them enough and that they want to know more! more! more! I want their eyes to light up when they recognize a difficult word they just learned in the book they’re reading. I want them to yearn, to want, to be so hungry for knowledge that I have to placate them with more books. “Nah take them, take them all you educated monsters, you!”

I want SO MUCH for my kids but right now progress is so excruciatingly slow that I begin to doubt if I can ever achieve that. One day…

I teach Form 1 and 2 kids so they’re 13 to 14 years old. My kids are still young and very much..how should I say this..they’re more untainted. Although some of my Form 1 kids are very very naughty and they have the potential to go on to be terrible troublemakers a few years later, they’re still manageable now and I can still control them.

However, I definitely can’t say the same for the older kids. I enter Form 4 and 5 classes all the time as a substitute teacher, and I teach if they want me to but most of the time I end up just sitting down to chat with some of the kids. I always ask them how they feel about school, what they want to do after finishing school, what are their aspirations, their family background etc. Most of their stories are quite sad but I do try to maintain a certain degree of skepticism too with their sob stories cause they could lie sometimes.

Anyway, there are these two kids that stood out to me. One of them was A. He is the older brother of one of my students (who’s a pretty good student) and this A is in the “last” class. He told me he used to be as smart as his younger brother too but as the years go by, his results got worse and worse and he’s now in the last class and labelled as someone who can’t study anymore. In fact he himself told me that he can’t study anymore. He skips school all the time because he has to work to support his brother, his grandmother and himself since their parents had left them. He gets RM35 a day from working 10 hours in the farm.

A is a really funny kid actually and I love talking to him. He likes singing to the latest English songs and I was surprised that he could understand me perfectly even if I speak English with him. He said he wants to do so many things after finishing school, but he just doesn’t know if he can with his results (he usually fails all his subjects except English).

Then there’s this other kid, B. B is in the last class in Form Five and has always been in the last class for many years. When I spoke to him about his aspirations, he doesn’t have any because he told me he just “doesn’t know how or what to do”. He said he wants to study, but he doesn’t know how since he has never studied before all his life! He lives with his grandparents and nobody cares if he studies or not, so he just…doesn’t. He’s 17 now and realizes that he probably will fail all his subjects in SPM, but there’s nothing he could do because all his friends are in similar predicament as well and it doesn’t really matter anyway in this village.

I talked to him about many things, about having bigger goals and doing something bigger and going beyond the village etc, but he seemed really pessimistic. I can’t blame him at all, because that’s all he has ever been exposed to.

I’m sharing these two stories because they have been running in my head for a while. I’m glad I’m teaching Form 1 because I feel like I can still change things for them, I can still help them. For the older kids, they seem so resigned to their fate and the teachers around them have also subconsciously stopped trying with them. I can’t blame neither of them because I HAVE tried teaching them and it’s just really really hard. They have fallen so deep into the cracks of the failure of the system, and I think it takes a lot more than a teacher who cares to help them get out.

I walked into a form 5 class who’s having their exam today and I see half of them sleeping and half of them trying to do their papers but to no avail. The average passing rate for this class is 40%. 40%! Only 40% of them pass their papers! Not even an A but pass. What is going to happen to them when they finish school only with a pass? What is going to happen to the OTHER 60%?

All this makes me so upset! How did these kids got to where they are today without anyone noticing? Without anyone caring? There are tons and tons of them in my school, and this is such a prevalent issue in all schools in this country, especially in areas outside klang valley.  What does it take to help them? Can they even be helped anymore?

Honestly, I feel so helpless for them. I want to help, but I have my own kids to worry about first. I don’t want my kids to end up in that deep dark abyss and I want to get them out of the rut as soon as possible but even that is proving to be very difficult. So I guess in a way, these older kids’ stories, despite making me feel really sad and helpless, are inspiring me to help my younger kids.

But what’s going to happen to the older kids?

I guess they are just left with the way they have been for many years. They become the faceless part of the society, uncared for, uninspired, and life for them is just waking up each day and trying to make ends meet. They’re victims of the circumstances they were born in and the whole cycle just repeats itself with every generation.

This realization made me really sad today.

…except maybe for the weekend of March 17.

For that one day I get to leave all that stress of an educator behind in Simpang Durian, let my hair down, and dance to the Chemical Brothers, Flo Rida, the Wombats, Chase & Status, Tinie Tempah, Kid Sister, Kyoto Protocol, Grandmaster Flash (he’s still around?!) and my favorite…LCD SOUNDSYSTEM!!!! Well, actually just James Murphy and Pat Mahoney, but I don’t know why they’re not listed on the official lineup page :S

Future Entertainment and Livescape Asia were kind enough to give me two VIP passes to the region’s biggest music festival of the year! That means no lining up for hours on end for a stinky plastic cubicle, and comfy seated areas to watch over 60 acts putting on a show for 13 hours for an expected crowd of 30,000 people. 30,000!!!!! That’s like 100 times the population of Simpang Durian hahaha

Come join me at the biggest music party of the year! But no photos of me please, I have an image to uphold now wtf. No lah kidding, just holler “CIKGU SUET!!!!11” if you see me and we can have a blast together! Despite my profession, I still find the need to act my age once in a while

Log on to www.futuremusicfestival.asia or www.facebook.com/futuremusicasia for more information.

Event Info
Where : Sepang International Circuit
When : 17 March 2012
Time : 2pm till late
Admission : Super early bird RM98, Early bird RM138, Pre-sale RM158
Tickets : http://redtix.airasia.com/Events/FutureMusicFestivalAsia/

See you there!

My stronger class was top notch that day. I prepared an activity for them where they had to move around different stations to solve different clues before they could tackle the final mystery. The topic that day was understanding graphic materials (advertisements, notices, maps etc), but if I just got them to sit down and do the questions, they’ll really hate English. They loved it and moved around seamlessly whenever the timer (Mr Chicken) rang.

My second class was a weaker class and we did pronouns. I realized, while explaining the different rules of when to use what, that ENGLISH IS FREAKING CONFUSING AND DIFFICULT TO LEARN. So I decided to scrap the whole explanation and just played a pronoun game with them. We sang Bruno Mars’ Just The Way You Are together and circled all the pronouns. I personally don’t remember learning pronouns (or grammar for that matter) by memorizing the rules but just by gut feeling after seeing how it’s used many times. Then, I put them into groups and gave them a homemade whiteboard each. I put up questions on the blackboard and they have to compete by answering the questions on their own board and raise them up. I use this all the time and the kids love it!

My most challenging class was also super well-behaved that day! I’d given two kids special pens I bought from Singapore because they were amazing in the class before, and they’d gone back to brag to their other friends. So everyone was really good that day because they all wanted special pens too!

It’s hard to explain the special moments I had in that class that day, but I can never forget this kid, Rizal’s face when he became a superstar that day. He completed his worksheet in half the time other kids took, and spent the rest of the time standing next to me to help me mark other kids’ papers! T______T Rizal is the naughtiest but cutest kid in that class, and I was so proud of him. I saw him and his dad that night at the mamak, so I told his dad that he’s very lucky to have such a bright kid. Rizal was just smiling like crazy behind his dad and when I told his dad that Rizal is doing very well and is really intelligent (it’s true, he’s in the “last” class but this kid is brilliant), his dad couldn’t even believe it. I think I made his night

So overall, Tuesday was just a really good day for me. I felt like finally, the kids are learning and showing progress (albeit veryyyy slowly but I’ll take it).

Then Wednesday came and it was just a HORRIBLE day I wanted to cry. I found out that some teachers might not like me very much because I don’t help out enough with other work like decorating the halls, preparing for meetings, admin work etc. I’m already super worn out from preparing like crazy for my classes, so I don’t know how to find time to do those things! Apparently I should have brought my kids to the hall DURING my lesson so I could decorate the hall. This made me very angry but I can’t say much because it’s the reality that teachers have to do so much and it’s not the other teachers’ fault *bites lips

And my classes went really bad that day too. The kids were very agitated and tired because half of them went for some olahraga thing and had spent all their energy running and sprinting. I went to this somewhat ok class but that day they were just driving me up the wall. I slept really late the night before to prepare for this class, and seeing how they don’t give two hoots about my effort just made me really sad. I told them twice that if they continue talking while I’m talking, I don’t think today is a good day to learn. I gave them consequences, gave them yellow cards for first warning, put them in the focus chair etc but nothing worked.

So midway through my lesson where only about half the class was listening, I packed my things and told them that’s it, I can’t teach anymore. I told them to just copy the notes and study on their own for their exam next week. And for the first time ever since I’ve started teaching, I walked out of a class. I’ve wanted to do this many times with my challenging classes, but I’ve never actually done it.

Some of the kids came running after me and begged me to come back. They were at the corridor, some crying, some pulling me, some apologizing. I told them to go back in because they were causing a commotion, but they wouldn’t let me go. I was really mad at that class, but I realized I was being unfair to half the class who wanted to learn. So I walked back in, told them to sit down and just do their own work while I sit there to make sure they don’t loiter around.

One boy stood up, said “Stand up class” and tried to get everyone to apologize as a class but they were too afraid to stand/speak. One girl, who is sick that day and whom I spent two hours with at the clinic the day before, came to me with tears and asked me to forgive the class. I was this close to just bawling my eyes out to be honest wtf

Anyway, I took a few minutes to calm down while I prepared the materials for the activity, stood up and pasted papers around the class for the activity. I gathered everyone (who was all shocked and confused – “cikgu bukan tengah marah ke?”) and told them that we’re gonna play a game and the class went alright after that. Midway through, one boy came to me and asked me to forgive him, and I said I already did, that’s why we’re playing a game. (also wanted to cry at this point *crybaby)

Before I walked out of the class, I apologized to everyone for walking out and for being angry at them. I don’t want to be a teacher who likes scolding her students, and I told them to not make me be that kind of teacher. I just want to play games and have fun with them because learning IS supposed to be fun. The kids then came to “salam” me and told me they’ll not do it again.

So I guess…everything went ok…but I was really upset at myself for being so emotional that day. I can’t believe I let my emotions get the better of me and was so unfair to the kids who wanted to learn. I was tired and frustrated, but they are still kids after all.

I’m sorry this post is so long, but I want to record down everything that happened this week!

Today was thankfully a good day. There is this one very quiet kid in my really weak class who can’t read at all. This class is full of very noisy hyperactive kids, and I almost always miss this boy from my radar. Today I saw his work and realized that he hasn’t done anything all day. I got frustrated because he just sat there staring at me blankly despite not understanding anything! I told him (quite harshly) that I will see him in his dorm tonight to teach him what we’ve done today.

I didn’t think too much about it, but I heard from another teacher that he went to her with a huge smile and told her that he’s very happy because I’m going to teach him tonight. He said he wants to be good in English so he can go overseas. When I heard that, my heart melted into a big gooey mess. I can’t believe that despite my frustrated tone, despite my harshness, this silly boy was still so happy that I’ll teach him!

So I sat down with him during my dinner at the local mamak and we went through all the flashcards together. He cannot even read RUN and TRASH and ROAD and we just spent the 2 hours reading them again and again. Even the waitress kakak joined us and did it together with him! I could tell that he was getting frustrated for not knowing how to read but he went on and on. I told him to take a break, but he continued flipping the cards and trying to read them, his milo ais untouched.

Today, Loga has taught me so many lessons to be a better teacher. His patience and determination inspire me to try harder despite my bad days in school. His happiness to learn, despite me being frustrated at him, showed me that deep down inside, every kid wants to learn and wants to experience success. This is why I teach for Malaysia.

————————–

Here are two videos I’d like to share!

This is a combination of three of my classes singing songs and working in groups. (these are my stronger classes)

If you remember, I’m actually tone deaf and I can’t sing to save my life. But I’ve been using a lot of songs and have to always sing the loudest so the kids would sing along. I realize that if you want to have fun with your classes, you’ll have to make a fool of yourself first so the kids would feel more comfortable in class. Everytime I hear my voice I feel like cringing but they have never made fun of me *touched

TV3 came to one of my classes for an interview that day! Thank you Nazrul for this, my kids really enjoyed being filmed And the camera really added 10lbs to my face FML T___T

So! This reader has emailed me a long poem he/she wrote about me before and I absolutely LOVED it. Didn’t think that he/she would write me another one, but this poem is way more awesome and really good! Thank you, whoever you are, for taking the time to write this! I feel very very flattered and blessed to have a whole poem written about me

Like the placid stalk that holds the proud leaf
Through storm, wind or nightly breeze,
So is a teacher who molds the mind patiently;

But there is one suave Li who is learning not
Just to mold minds but inspire lives lovingly.

Like those tidal shifts that occur when the
Sun, Moon and Earth are jilted by gravity,
So will teaching have its set of difficulties;

But there is one cikgu Li who will persist
Unwaveringly as long as she can patiently.

Winter has its summer, Spring has its fall
Through yearly seasons they come withal
So is a teacher’s career that is a tall order;

But there is one sweet Li who will brave
Each season and leave a mark on pedagogy.

~

Teach! Oh teach, pretty Ms. Suet Li!
Teach until you would have inspired
And changed minds, lives and society.

Teach! Oh teach, young Ms. Sweet Li!
Until you see the child before you set
On a path of success and meaning.

Teach! Oh teach, mighty Ms. Sweat Lee
Until you would see a small spark
Ignite itself in the little growing mind,

~

Some days will leave you weary from
Planning each lesson meticulously
Only to realize they are not learning.

Some days will leave you excited from
Meaningful questions that are posed
In the way they ought to be.

Beyond this, you have the power
And capability to mold each mind
Patiently just by inspiring them
In each lesson constantly.

~

Teach! Oh teach, feisty Ms. Suet Li!
For you maybe on Earth for reasons
Beyond your understanding
But your student will always
Remember you for inspiring!

~Fashionablehost

that is all.

I’ve been having acute abdominal pain for the past two weeks since I moved to my new school. At first I didn’t think much of it since it could be due to the stress of settling in a new place, teaching or maybe the water etc. Saw 4 doctors and they told me it could be gastric/wind so I took lots of gastric medicine. The pain got much worse and some nights, I can’t move at all without cringing in pain. Miraculously, the pain would subside a little in the morning so I’d still teach (thank god).

But on Thursday night, the pain got so bad I can’t even do anything. Can’t breathe, can’t talk, can’t move. On Friday, I drove home (painful drive) and went straight to the hospital since there’s no proper hospital near my school. Saw a gastroenterologist at first cause I thought it had to do with gastric, then he referred me to a gynae cause it could be pelvic infection and finally I was referred to a surgeon cause it could be appendicitis.

The thing is, I’ve had the pain for too long for it to be appendicitis, so no one knows exactly what is wrong. So my surgeon gave me antibiotics and if I don’t get cured completely by Monday, I’ll have to have a surgery done to remove my appendix.

Surgery?? Now?? I am so upset cause I cannot afford to miss any teaching days or my kids would get soooo left behind. My mom was with me but she was more worried about me missing Chinese New Year wtf.

My parents are convinced there’s some black magic stuff and that I’ve been charmed (jampi-ed wtf) and got angry at me for choosing to go to a rural area. My mom called all her aunty friends to collect stories of people getting sick through black magic to scare me wtf. Also, the pain only started when I moved there but why would anyone want to harm a teacher?? They want me to transfer out now but no way I’m doing that. I’m sure it’s either just appendicitis or a case of very bad bacterial infection.

Anyway, aside from that I’ve been doing ok. I have so many stories to share! I spoke to this form 5 boy at length the other day and his story is quite eye-opening so I’ll write about that later.

I also kinda broke down for the first time last Friday after my very tough class with my more challenging kids. I taught them a song but only half the class would sing along, the other half was too shy/didn’t want to try. I sang the song to them over and over again, encouraged them, got them to pronounce the syllables etc but nothing worked.

I was also in pain so I can’t project my voice too much, then two boys started punching each other. The other boys immediately rushed to the crime scene, wanting to be part of the action too. I finally got them all settled down, sang the song, and talked to the boys about their conflict.

When I left that class, I felt my tears welled up. I felt like I just wasted these kids’ time because nothing probably went in their tiny cute heads. I had assumed that they could at least sing a song with me, I didn’t plan too much in advance and didn’t take into consideration their lower level compared to other classes. It was entirely my fault that the lesson went haywire.

And the worst part was, I only had 2 minutes to compose myself while I walk to my next class. 2 minutes to change from this distraught teacher to my usual cheery joyful teacher mode.

Life is just beginning to get a lot tougher for Cikgu Suet. But, all izz well.

I realized I haven’t blogged in weeks, but things have been crazyyyy! I wish I could get someone to blog for me because there’s so much I want to say but don’t have the energy, time and internet to do so.

So, I’m officially a teacher now! Students call me Cikgu Suet Li cause I think Cikgu Liew/Ms. Liew is too formal. I just drove the 2.5 hours home from a long day of teaching, so I literally  cannot feel my legs now but I want to update about my first week as a teacher in a rural school!

On the way to my school!

Yay, almost there! but another 40 mins more -___-

Cows crossing whenever they want, super scary!

The other day, I saw a goat lying in the middle of the road like he owns it. LIKE A BOSS!

My school! and view from my balcony. I live IN school!

I moved in last week and things were quite tough at first because we hadn’t got our electricity until two days ago. Use candle only T__T But! I surviveddddd. We also had to clean our inhabited house, we cleaned the cobwebs and dead insects and scrubbed the entire house! I’m very proud of myself that I survived cause I’m actually quite a princess. I don’t clean and I need aircon all the time, but now I’m such a kampung girl! *pats self on back

Angeline, the other TFM fellow, cleaning

Srs bsns

EUGHHHH. BUT it’s super clean now ^_^

Meeting my kids for the first time. So excitinggg

Anyway, about teaching! It’s been………challenging. Very challenging. I mean I know it’s going to be tough with these kids, but it’s beyond imaginable. First of all, I’m having problems with the boys catcalling and making kissing noises at me wtf. It sounds stupid but it’s a very real problem! Whenever I walk at the corridors, the boys will start, sometimes they even call out I Love Youuu.  I’m a teacher and this is really disrespectful! If it persists, I’ll have to talk to other teachers and get them to talk to the boys. They wouldn’t like it if people do that to their mothers/sisters too. Plus, I’m new, so maybe they’ll stop when they come to respect me later.

As for my classes, I found out that I have sooo much work to do with them. I was given the “back” classes for Form 1, and their diagnostic came up to be 0%. Some of them are illiterate, it means I have 7 years of catch up to do before I can end this year for them to be on par with the proper form 1 level. FEEL SO ANGRY that teachers let these kids waste 6 years of their lives! 6 years of going to school and coming back with absolutely nothing, learning absolutely nothing.

I guess that’s the biggest motivating factor for me. These kids don’t deserve to go back with another year of nothingness. They deserve to learn, they deserve progress and success. There’s absolutely no way I’m giving up until they show 7 years of progress in one year. It’s going to be hella tough though, but I’m glad my anger at the inequity is fueling my passion.

I also have one “best” class in Form 2. To be honest, I’d say they’re the best class only because they are well behaved kids. They don’t run around when I teach, talk or punch other people. Academic achievement wise, they’re averaging at a B-/C. Definitely NOT good enough.

Eventhough they’re well behaved, the other naughtier classes were definitely more engaged and active in class. The “good” class has a blank face whenever I talk to them, and would say yes in unison to ANY question; it’s as if they have been programmed to be that way from years of formal dictator-like schooling. It’s really sad and I’m planning to change that culture

My school is literally a drive-thru fruit farm! We have fruit trees all over and we can just pick the rambutan, durian, langsat etc anytime

It’s not official until you have your teacher name tag!

My poor kids had to carry their tables and chairs from the 3rd floor of a building to the 3rd floor of another building. They were so tired by the time they got to class!

Sometimes it’s Cik Sweat Li, sometimes Suet Le, sometimes Sweet Le -____________- Call myself Li la sigh

Meet Mr Chicken! He’s my timer for all my activities and I get the students to say “Hi Mr Chicken” and “thank you Mr Chicken” and they love it! Soooo cuteeeee

There are definitely plenty of challenges ahead but I’d say my first week of teaching went pretty well It’s just a lot of hard work so prayers/positivism/words of encouragement are welcome!

Will blog again when I have time. Thanks for reading, everyone. Sorry for the lack of updates!

Let’s backtrack all the way to where I stopped. Three weeks ago, Kem Skorlah ended very ceremoniously. It was a very exciting but draining week because we were putting in everything we had to make sure the kids got the best out of coming to holiday school, and we slept an average of 3-4 hours every single night. We all had a big goal, 30% improvement in English and Math, and the kids all knew and truly worked hard for it as well.

In Institute, we learned a great deal about investment. Our students have to be invested first before they can achieve success, and we have various strategies on how to make sure the kids know they can, want and will achieve. I think that’s really what’s missing in our schools. Teachers tell us to do well so we can get a good job yadda yadda, but there’s absolutely nothing beyond that. For kids who have families who care about education, you’re all set. But what about the many others who are not as lucky? They get left behind. Nobody tells them that they too can do it, so that’s why investing these kids is so important before we can even begin to change their life trajectories.

A secret trick to get them invested – give them food! Hahaha well not really lah, but making learning fun is definitely a good investment strategy.

Or you could get Deborah Henry to give them certificates! Haha.

To encourage them to speak more, I had an inter-class debate the other day. I gave the kids less than 24 hours to prepare and bear in mind that these are kids who NEVER ever speak English. They took the debate very seriously and all went back to prepare for it. Coincidentally, the media came over that day so they took lots and lots of pictures! The kids were so thrilled and excited to be in the limelight!

After the debate, we had a sharing session and my kids told me that they were really upset because they didn’t think they did well. I was just SO happy that they tried and were so into it despite not knowing how to speak at all, and I practically forced them to speak in front of a huge crowd with reporters and journalists and people from the ministry! Even I would pee in my pants.

We lost and they were disappointed but I was still so very very proud of them *tear. Thank god on that very same day I had to break the news to them, Deborah Henry was observing my class so I got her to give the certificates out. They were starstruck that they got to shake hands with our former Miss Malaysia and forgot all about their loss hehehe

I made a poster on the importance of punctuation! Found the idea online

The big day!!! We gave them a diagnostic on the first day and a final test on the last day to see how much they had improved. Remember, our goal was 30% improvement each.

We didn’t sleep the day before the last day of class cause we were up writing personal letters to all our kids. We want them to know that they can succeed after Kem Skorlah if they remain confident and if they continue believing in themselves.

Revealing the results! 31% increase for Math and 21% for English!!!!!!! We were all extremely proud of them, although they were clearly disappointed that they didn’t get the 30% increase for English. I told them that the 30% is our big ambitious goal and we purposely wanted them to aim high so even if they fall, they wouldn’t fall too far behind.

21% improvement in just 4 weeks, imagine what they can do if they had a year!

I was ecstatic for them! I had 3 kids who got more than 40% improvement, they went from a 40% to 80% in 4 weeks!!! From barely passing to an A!

When I broke the news to them individually, Fadzlan, my cheeky student who got the highest improvement in class was on the brink of tears. He couldn’t believe that he had improved, much less improve that much!!! When I told him that I wanted to call his mother to tell her that I’m extremely proud of his achievement, he couldn’t believe his ears. Seeing the look of pure unadulterated joy on his face made me want to cry so bad as well. He was so happy because he never thought he could do it at first, but when I asked him how he think he did, he was so confident that he did improve because he worked hard for it himself.

This is why I chose to teach, because kids like Fadzlan should be given the opportunity to experience such intense happiness from his own hard work.

We had a class full of crying kids that day. All of them had improved and they couldn’t believe it at all! “Cikgu, saya tak pernah improve langsung! Happy teramat amat lah! Tak pernah rasa saya boleh dapat penaikkan markah!”

It was such an emotional day, seeing their happiness and tears, bidding farewell to them, giving last minute parting advice. We told them that they had gone through enough negativity in their lives. Many people had told them that they cannot do it, that they cannot succeed, but today they really proved everyone wrong. They proved to the rest that if they worked hard and believed in themselves, they CAN achieve, and there’s no such thing as being born smart.

My first group of students, what a sweet memory.

Yay!

Ok I’m done talking about Kem Skorlah but there’s still so much stuff to talk about! Now you can see why I’ve been so busy. The only free time I have these days is spent either sleeping, eating or shitting. Sometimes cannot shit also T__T

This is from Inner Child Night! We spent an entire night playing and relieving all our childhood memories doing face painting, playing Twister, singing and dancing to Backstreet Boys, blowing bubbles!

Playing Pepsi Cola!

Childhood snacks! We even dressed up super kiddishly in our pajamas and were clutching our soft toys all night.

We work extremely hard and play hard as well whenever we could.

We celebrated Christmas yesterday! It was mainly dedicated to our TFM trainers from the states and the UK because they have to spend Xmas away from home this year. I super love my TFM family

Institute is coming to an end in 3 days, and everyone has been feeling extra melancholic these days because we’ve really bonded and have treated each other like family after 2 whole months of seeing and being with each other 24/7. We’ve seen each other’s smiles, tears, blood (yes) and sweat, we’ve held each other’s hands in challenging times, we’ve pushed each other and supported one another emotionally, and we’ve learned about everyone’s quirks and interests.

We came alone to change the world, and we’re leaving with an incredible network of 49 other similarly idealistic teachers.

I didn’t blog about this cause I was emotionally drained, but I broke down the day before the last day of Kem Skorlah. I didn’t think that I’ve been doing a great job, I thought I didn’t prepare my kids well enough, I thought I had completely wasted their time blabla but I had amazing people to support me and to hold my hand when I cried. I couldn’t have done this without them so thinking about being separated after this really saddens me

But I know I can do it because I really want all my kids next year to experience the same joy Fadzlan and my kids at Kem Skorlah experienced.

Gotta run now, thanks for reading!

So I’ve been doing the same thing for the past three weeks, I’ve been teaching at Kem Skorlah (refer to post below). Next week is our last week there, and then we’ll have two more weeks of training before we get catapulted to our respective schools next year.

We had a meeting with our respective schools next year and I’ll be staying at the teacher’s quarters with my other fellow TFM fellow for the next two years. While it’s good to be a stone throw away from school and only paying next to nothing for housing, it’s scary to live on the school ground as well. It’s like I’ll have to be a teacher 24/7 and can only escape when I go back home once in a few months or something. Also, I know I really wanted something really different that’s why I asked for a rural school, but as it gets closer, it’s scary to know that I’ll REALLY be in a rural area.

The quarters that I’ll be living in is completely unfurnished and the electricity has been cut, and to get the electricity, we’ll have to go to Kuala Pilah which is 1.5 hours away. There’s only one bank and it’s Agro bank. There’s no KFC/McD obviously, no supermarkets (only small kedai runcits), one furniture shop to get our furnitures…and that’s it.

Ok don’t want to think about it. For the kids, for the kids!

That’s my personal mantra for the next two years. When the going gets tough, I’ll just tell myself that I’m doing this for the kids. I’ve already decided that I’m going to invest 90% of my time, energy, and emotions into doing this, and only 10% for everything else in my life. I’ve been finding it terribly hard to balance things outside teaching (personal relationships, friends, family, other interests/hobbies etc), but it’s okay because I have my 90%. I know this thinking is warped, but if I want to do a good job then this is what it takes.

Speaking of doing a good job, we’ve been getting a lot of visitors lately in our classes. From our board of trustees, to the staff members, to our corporate partners, to the media. There’s so much pressure to perform it’s crazy! Good thing is I think all of us are trying really hard and it’s definitely translating to students’ achievements. Bad news is, we’re told that while we’re on the pathway to be an effective teacher, we’re nowhere close to becoming a transformational teacher.

Transformational. Even hearing that word sends shivers down my spine. If it already takes so much to be an effective teacher, how much more does it take to be a transformational teacher? A WHOLE lot more, that’s what.

An effective teacher makes sure her students are on track to finish that academic year, that they’re not left behind academically. A transformational teacher goes beyond that and makes sure her students have completely different life trajectories after being taught by her. She instills in them that they, without her, would be able to believe that they can succeed and will work to succeed even without her help. A transformational teacher expects her students to achieve as much as what she would expect her own children to achieve, she would not accept failures and will have high expectations for her students.

Bear in mind that our students are on average 4-5 years BEHIND their academic year, so we have to catch up with being an effective teacher first before we could go anywhere close to being transformational.

So I’ve been teaching for 3 weeks now and already I’m swamped with so many challenges. I think talking about the challenges itself will take a few posts and I’ll get more into it later. All I can say is, academically, the disparity between our students at Kem Skorlah (and they’re not even in the worst schools, which we’ll be going to next year) and with the urban middle-income students in Klang Valley is HUGE. I saw the detrimental effects of PPMSI on the ground and it’s not pretty at all. It did so much damage to these kids whose basic English literacy skill is almost nonexistent. They fall further and further behind, and from not knowing how to do Math and Science already as it is, now they can’t even understand the questions!

Don’t get me wrong, I agree with having Math and Science in English, but definitely not when around 60-70% of the nation’s population is not even well-versed in English yet. Improve their English first then think about such a huge policy change! It’s not what benefits the Klang Valley middle-income people. I learned Math and Science in Malay and yet I could do well in college after that, and yet I’m positive I can compete with anyone else globally. Why? Because of my level of English. So how do you expect people who don’t know basic English to keep up? I can talk about PPMSI for eternity and don’t get me started on MBMMBI (do we really need such a long acronym?).

Anyway it’s been a long rambly post and I have to get back to my lesson plans. I’m compiling my own “kids say the darnest things” logbook so I can remember all the funny things they say, hopefully I’ll post that soon!

Have a great weekend ahead, and thanks for reading despite me not blogging that often anymore!

Things are very hectic here. We spend about 13 hours each day with each other for our formal training, and only about 1-2 hours before we sleep every night to complete work for the next day. I have completely no time to do anything else, which is good because it keeps me focused for these 2 months. I brought my kindle and my super thick Murakami book, but I’ve only read 1/2 page so far before I had to complete my work for the next day T__T

It might be too early to tell, but I don’t think I’d ever go through anything this strenuous and intense again. Our trainers (all of them from either Teach For America or Teach First UK) are all extremely committed and energetic, and despite the sessions being that incredibly long, they made them seem so fun and engaging. The people here are all beyond amazing, and each and everyone of them constantly inspires me further everyday. Everyone is so invested in the same vision and goals, it’s just nice to feel all that energy and motivation. Definitely makes me forget that I’m extremely sleep-deprived everyday.

The closer I get to starting my teaching journey, the more convinced I am that the goals Teach For Malaysia is trying to achieve will become a reality. Actually, I can’t even begin to describe how I feel at this point. I really need sleep.

A video that inspired me today:

“There is no movement without the first follower. We’re told we all need to be leaders, but that would be really ineffective.

The best way to make a movement, if you really care, is to courageously follow and show others how to follow.

When you find a lone nut doing something great, have the guts to be the first person to stand up and join in.”

By the way, Teach For Malaysia‘s 2013 cohort’s application is now open! There are 50 of us this year and 75 of you next year. Apply if you want to make a difference too!

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Ten days….this is crazy. It’s really beginning to dawn upon me that I’m REALLY going to be a teacher in a rural school, that I’m REALLY doing this permanently for the next two years, that I must be REALLY out of my mind. I know I talk about this too much these days but bear with me, I just can’t stop thinking about it!

I mean..I’ve been talking about this for months on end now and everyone around me is quite sick of it too, but it feels so different now that it’s getting so much closer and I’m beginning to slowly start packing my life up for it. I love talking about the fact that I’m doing this, but on days like this when I sit and think about it more, I sometimes feel like my knees start wavering and that I might pee in my pants that all the talk has to translate into action now.

IT’S SO SCARY!!!!!!!!!! BUT I’M SO EXCITED!!!!! BUT SO SCARED!!!!!

Sorry just had to get it out of my system. I’ll probably say the same thing every few days from now on, so pretend you’ve not heard of it before and just layan me ok! It’s just me starting this very foreign journey so out of my comfort zone. It’s like..tasting durian for the first time, so scary but exciting! Or like getting married and having children, or like deciding one day to completely move somewhere far away forever, or like falling in love for the first time, or like getting drunk for the first time, you get the gist.

Most people I talk to don’t understand my fears, cause they think we’re just going to be teachers and how hard can it be right? My mom met a friend during dinner the other day, and she told her that I’m going to be a teacher because “it’s too hard to find another job”. They then proceeded to talk about why it’s a good job not because I’ll be changing lives or making an important impact on the future of tomorrow, but because it’s an “easy job ma! so many days off and get good pension also.”

Why I know this is going to be much harder than just doing what a conventional teacher does (not that that’s not hard already): We are expected to finish our pre-reading of a 300-page book, another 200+ pages of articles on transformational leadership and teaching, and we have to run a community project and write an essay on it, all due BEFORE the training.

After going through 3/4 of the pre-reading, I realized that this is going to be way harder than I’d thought. We’re going to be expected to bring the students in our classrooms (whom I assume will be at least 3 years behind their grade level) up to their respective grade levels. This means we have to make sure that at the end of the year, they would have progressed THREE years from the level they were at in the beginning. This is if they’re only 3 years behind, which I would be very lucky if that’s the case. (context of being 3 years behind: if 13 year olds in my rural school can speak english as well as what’s expected of 10 year olds (can converse in simple English, can write short paragraphs))

It’s intimidating and extremely daunting, but I’ve learned that we have to set very high expectations and goals, and merely going through the syllabus with them is no longer sufficient.

Actually I’m getting a bit rambly, and the content of this post is getting so specific that many people may not be able to relate. But be prepared to read a whole lot of this when I start cause I don’t think I’ll be capable of talking about anything else wtf. Sorry if I’m boring you T__T

On a more personal but very related note, I’ve been an emotional wreck the past month or so. It has started a big grotesque circle of destruction, where I get upset at anything and everything, and I get upset that I’m upset at anything and everything, and THEN I get upset at the fact that I got upset but not do anything about it because I simply can’t control my emotions, repeat cycle of destruction everyday and you get a very drained me.

It’s like I’m PMS-ing every single day of the month of the year.

Why this is related is because if I’m all over the place, if I can’t even keep my emotions in check, how am I going to be able to stand in front of these kids and be a role model?

Umm, maybe I shouldn’t talk about this in public…what if the team reads this and think I’m too unstable for this job wtf

But I’m documenting this, and documenting all my rambly thoughts because I think they’re important. They reflect my exact state of mind prior to my journey, and I want to remember where I started.

I start here, completely scared and nervous, completely uncertain and uncollected, but I know I can do this and I’m determined to progress as much as my students. That’s the spirit….right? *gives self pep talk

Just realized that I’m leaving in 2.5 weeks and I only have 5 pairs of baju kurung, and we HAVE to wear baju kurung everyday for the next 2 years and 2 months (even during training).

So if you or someone you know have some to give away (ugly also nevermind wtf), please consider giving them to this poor teacher!

Email me at expectationx [at] gmail [dot] com

KTHXBAI

I have so much stuff to read before my training *stress. About 500 pages of pre-reading to do, and reflection essays to write. Will blog soon!

p.s: speaking of clothes, I’m actually really upset that I have to bid farewell to my entire wardrobe for the next few years. Bye bye pretty flowy dresses and skimpy sheer tops and shorts. Hello baju kurungs of every imaginable design and color.

It’s a melancholic night in exactly a week after I turned 23 in the company of people I love most. Just a week, but feels like forever ago.

Reading status updates of my eager juniors in college excitedly talking about first days of classes, discussing what to wear to the infamous annual major party, bitching about schoolwork. Graduation was 3 month back, but feels like forever ago.

Saw your face upon arrival, suitcases scattered all over the place, handbag slipping off weak shoulder, you smiled your warm glowing smile. I was so in love, but feels like forever ago.

Drunken night by the lake, throwing pebbles off the dock, freezing my ass off in the company of similarly happy tipsy people, exchanging scandalous stories and ambitious life goals. Can remember vividly how hard I partied but working just as hard in the library the day after, but these memories feel like forever ago.

Eagerly awaiting your Skype calls, sour conversations, dim yellow light by bedside, pouring my entire heart out to a pixelated image on my computer screen, falling asleep and waking up to see that you’ve left. I used to do this everyday, but feels like forever ago.

We used to laugh and love so hard, cry and scream, hurt and be hurt, promise and break promises, smile and hope. We used to be happy, but it all feels like forever ago.

Kept trying, fixing, mending, building and destroying and rebuilding and redestroying. We both knew we couldn’t continue fixing what’s already been broken, but we exhausted ourselves and kept trying anyway. I thought I could fix you, and you me, but we came out of this more damaged than ever. The promises of a better tomorrow still ring in my head, but they feel like forever ago.

Today all the forever agos came to me like rude uninvited interrupting guests, their presence so heavy and yet so unimportant, so abrupt and yet so planned. I was certain that if I stared harder into the distance and pretended that I was no longer thinking about them then they’d leave. They didn’t. Then I stopped trying to pretend, and they left as swiftly as they came.

For now, I have some backlogged pictures to post! (especially from my birthdayyy, which will have to wait for another day)

Two weekends ago, I followed a friend to Kuala Kubu Bahru with the EPIC team to help build a house for this orang asli family! I’ve been doing nothing on weekends so I thought I’d better do something productive and not while my life away watching more TV shows and spending more useless hours in the mamak.

I was quite nervous at first cause the last time I really roughed it out was yearsss ago and I’ve been such a girly feminine girl since, how to build house and carry bricks and bathe in rivers?? But I’m really glad that the entire experience was so amazingly positive that I would definitely do it over and over again

The team had been there two weekends prior to this to build the basic structure of the house, so this was what greeted us upon our arrival on Saturday morning!

Ibu Biah’s (not in pic) old collapsing house. She has many daughters, sons and grandkids and the small house is clearer way too dilapidated and small for them.

So we began working!

Our team was tasked with fitting the doors and windows, and because the power drills were not working, we had to manually screw each bolt and screw in. IT WAS TERRIBLE. but not impossible so we screwed and screwed away.

Jason’s an expert at screwing now.

River time! Extremely rewarding 20 minutes.

Back to work we went. We worked from 8am-6pm both days *flexes biceps

The old house and the toilet next to it (the outdoor one with white cloth)

New house! 60% done

Just keep painting, just keep painting

This dog’s name is Chicken!

Tired but happy, I can paint for a living now

Inside, after day 1

Our view from our dorm

Day 2! Break time with ice cream uncle!

I’m also awesome at hammering. Seriously awesome. Awesome giler. Awesome until don’t know what. Too awesome can die. Awesome is my middle name. I’m awesome. Awe-some.

The inside!!!

Almost there!

The back kitchen area

Very proud of the drain Triffany and I painstakingly shoveled in the rain *flexes biceps again

View from the hill behind the house!

Ben drilling with extreme focus and concentration

7 pm, almost thereeee!

Group pictar!

8pm, giving moral support to those who were installing the last panel!

9pm – DONE! Inside the house.

And then we went for dinner, the end wtf.

All in all, it was a very VERYYY tiring weekend, but every single effort, every single sweat drop and aching muscle was completely worth it when we saw the smiles on Ibu Biah and her kids’ faces upon completion of the house. I would never have thought I could ever build anything other than Ikea shelves, what more an actual real house.

EPIC aims to make the world a better place, one home at a time. If you have the time and energy on your hands, do volunteer to help them out but make sure you remain committed! I always believe that the best charity is one that is consistent and not just done on random spurts whenever you feel charitable.

Even if you can’t volunteer, do spread the word and hopefully more people would sponsor such an amazing grassroot initiative!

I was very pleasantly surprised at how amazing the people I’ve worked with that weekend were. Everyone had either a full time job or was studying, but still took time off the entire weekend to slave their asses away. It’s not easy AT ALL to build a house from scratch and it’s great how everyone worked together as a team despite the varying levels of experience and skills. Malaysians are so amazing *tear wtf

———

*Advertorial*

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Details of the party:

: 22 Oct 2011

: 7pm – you want to go back

: At Helipad, Sepang International Circuit

As with the other parties, admission is absolutely free and it’s really easy to get the tickets!

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More info on all XPLAY parties here: http://xpax.com.my/promo_xplayfuture.html

Right…wtf. Couldn’t resist hahaha

But this piece of news is actually even more exciting than that! Yesterday, I found out which school I’ll be placed at and which subject I will be teaching!!!!!!

I was in the gym when Shannon from Teach For Malaysia called me, so I said I’ll call her back later. She called back after 5 minutes and said SUET I CAN’T WAIT FOR YOU TO CALL ME BACK, I need to tell you that you’re placed at SMK Teriang Hilir and you’ll be teaching English! Hahahahha she’s sooo cute!

So yes, I will be at Simpang Durian, Jelebu, Negeri Sembilan for the next two years! I specifically told them I want a rural school over an urban school because I thought if I’m trying something so unconventional already as it is, might as well go all out and do something I will never ever get to do again! Live in an area that is so far from home, a part of Malaysia so unlike my comfortable suburbia life.

I don’t think I’d feel right being in my poverty-stricken school dealing with people from low income households, only to drive 15 minutes back to my comfortable home and privileged life after that. I feel like then I wouldn’t get to immerse myself fully in what I’m doing, that there’ll be such a huge disconnect everytime I leave the school and the kids.

I know it does sound quite noble to want to relocate to a very different place and environment for this, but of course I do fear how incredibly challenging it’ll be too. I’ll be around very different people than those I’m used to, doing completely different things and living a vastly different life. Funny how it’s only going to be 2 hours from Klang Valley, but I’m sure it’ll be quite foreign to me. But I’ll always remember that if it’s not challenging then it’s not worth doing!

So, about this place! Some people from the team have visited the school and kept raving to me how beautiful that area is. I google imaged it and true enough!

Credits to Momoc Blog for that picture.

Simpang Durian is actually famous for its durian, which is bad for me cause I LOVE DURIAN TO DEATH. I don’t want to OD on it T___T

And I’ll be teaching English! Quite unexpected actually, I kinda thought I was going to teach Math and Science but it’s a good pleasant surprise still Need to start thinking of creative ways to teach a completely foreign language to these students.

AHGHHH I AM BEYOND EXCITED! (and scared) BUT MORE EXCITED THAN ANYTHING! I can imagine myself going to this place and frantically taking pictures like a tourist already wtf. Actually! my parents want to take a roadtrip there so they can check it out first before I go. Hearing this makes me happy cause it means they’re finally supportive of my teaching job

I really hope I’ll have internet connection still though..I can do without the general comforts of life (okay maybe the much younger me could, but I will learn to adapt..) but I need my internets! Broadband will have to do I guess.

Alright that’s all for now, this weekend I’m following a bunch of EPIC folks to Kuala Kubu Bahru cause they’re building a house for an Orang Asli widow. Thought I’ll try it out so I can get used to rolling my sleeves up and roughing it out wtf. I’ve been such a girly put-makeup-wear-a-dress-girl for so long so I hope I can get used to this fast!

Oh also, Happy Malaysia Day! Spend this weekend wisely

This is from their song “Time” :

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it’s sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you’re older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I’d something more to say.

Don’t know about you, but the lyrical poignancy left me feeling quite dumbstruck for a few minutes. “Noone told you where to run, you missed the starting gun / So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it’s sinking”

Anyway, aside from mulling over deep meaningful lyrics, I’ve also been bawling my eyes out watching Grave of the Firelies. It’s a Japanese animation about two orphans during world war II and it’s extremely depressing but very very well made. I highly recommend it (if you’re not on the brink of suicide, cause after watching it you’ll definitely feel like you’re not worthy of living T__T).

I also rewatched a few Miyazaki films recently – Princess Mononoke, Totoro, Castle in the Sky, Kiki. All his movies, despite being cheerful and meaningful, always leave me feeling…nostalgic and blue. It’s weird, I think I’m just a very emotional person deep inside, which is weirder cause I used to be such a cheerful person. Maybe got bad fengshui wtf

Since I’m currently bumming around, I thought I’d spend some time stimulating my brain so I don’t fall into the dark abyss of being unintelligent and un-opinionated, and started watching some video lectures by this Harvard professor. It’s a series of lectures on Philosophy, so if you’ve always been interested in issues like ethics, political philosophy and justice, then this is a great start!

Even if you’re not interested, I still think you should watch it. We should definitely do away with subjects like Moral and Civics in school and start teaching Philosophy, so that we are taught to think for ourselves and to nurture our own moral principles, instead of TELLING people how to be a good person and a good citizen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBdfcR-8hEY&feature=relmfu – Have fun!

That’s it for now, feeling melancholic a bit hard to blog unless I start churning out some boring serious post again..and I think we’ve had enough of that for now.

I’m also going on a crazy food hunt to find the best food in Kuching! Almost every Kuchingite I’ve spoken to tells me that their food is the BEST but frankly I’ve been quite disappointed kolo mee is pretty awesome because it’s such a homely comfort food but everything else is just..meh. Maybe I’ve gone to the wrong places!

Anyway I’m going to leave Kuching for Damai tomorrow so let’s hope I find better food today!

Will definitely post the pictures later, need to do more exploring today. I kept thinking to myself that if I do continue teaching in public schools, I would definitely choose Sarawak or Sabah as my next destination. There’s just this very strong charm about Borneo that appeals to me. Sigh I love my country so much *suddenly get all teary and patriotic wtf

Also, today I’m alone! What’s the best thing to do in Kuching when you’re traveling alone? I have the whole day until Alex returns tonight! Contemplating either venturing into the other side of the river to the Malay kampungs to walk around but I heard it’s a little unsafe? Maybe I’ll just do the museums and souvenir-shopping today. Or find a nice cozy coffee place and read.

Have a great day ahead everyone!

While I gingerly pressed the buttons on the treadmill in the gym (I live in an apartment), I noticed a girl staring at me from afar. She was by the door, curiously sticking her head in to get a small peek at what I was doing. I smiled at her while she walked nervously and stood right next to me. She was one of the cleaners, as I noticed from her uniform. I didn’t know if I should continue running, or ask her if something was wrong, so I said hello kak, sihat?

She was taken aback but asked if she could stand there and watch me, for she has never seen how the machines work before and has never dared to ask. I said sure, but inside I was getting a little annoyed. I mean, how am I going to run when someone’s watching me?? After two minutes, I was already panting and sweating and there she was, still staring wide-eyed at the treadmill and me.

Then there was a man’s voice some distance away and she scurried away immediately, mumbling something about how she’d better get back to work. About fifteen minutes after when I’d moved on to lifting weights instead, she came in again, this time with another cleaner friend in tow. They both smiled widely and stared at me pulling the handlebar down, and gasped when it made a somewhat loud clang when I was done with it. I asked if they wanted to try too, and told them how it works and which muscles I was using. They got excited when they heard me speaking in fluent Malay, and started chatting with me while I moved on to the other machines.

It was a short conversation but I couldn’t believe how fast they’d warmed up to a complete stranger who was merely trying to tell them how to lift weights! The other girl was 17 while the first one was my age, and they were both from Kelantan. They came to KL because they were lousy at school and they thought there wasn’t a point in continuing anyway. “Buang masa je kan kat sekolah, mak bapak kata baik cari kerja”. I told them very cautiously that going to school increases their chances of getting a better job, to which they disagreed politely. “Ramai kawan kite orang habis sekolah pun sama je, buat kerja sapu sampah, cuci tandas semua, asalkan dapat duit lah. Kite bukannya macam orang KL, pandai cakap English, pandai jadi doktor”

Here I was lifting my 20-pound handlebar, listening to these two girls telling me their stories so candidly, and I was left completely dumbfounded. The younger girl had to go back to work, and before she left she said “akak ni baik dan peramah lah, biasanya orang tak layan pun, nanti kite borak lagi ye” which hit me with guilt like a ton of bricks. I usually never speak to the cleaners before, and this was only because I was getting uncomfortable with them staring at me!

Meanwhile the other girl was still accompanying me while I continued running on the treadmill. I had gotten used to her, so I was still chatting with her while I almost died climbing a hill at 6km/h. Sweat was dripping everywhere, I was panting like a dog, my eyesight was blurring up, and there she was saying “cepat sikit! boleh lagi! 5 minit lagi!” T______T what did I do to deserve such kindness and moral encouragement from someone I just met an hour ago?

When I was done, she wiped the machine clean since I had obviously deposited a lot of bodily fluid all over it wtf. I told her I have to go, and she said bye cheerfully and asked me when I would come to the gym again. “Insha’allah esok!” but I never went today cos my legs were too sore and I was busy

I just wanted to jot this down because it was probably one of those AHA! moments for me. Aha! I knew I was doing Teach For Malaysia for the right reason, how can people think that kids in KL are smarter, and that there’s no point to school because they will still work as a cleaner after anyway? Aha! I might have wasted more time talking to them than actually working out, but it was a conversation I will never give up for anything. Aha! being fluent in Malay comes in handy after all

-

I really hate to be overselling Teach For Malaysia, but I wholeheartedly believe in their cause and mission. As someone who comes from a somewhat more privileged background, from a middle-class family that lives in a pretty adequate suburbia that’s within driving distance to everything I ever need, it’s easy to bitch about what the country is lacking and to nitpick on every flaw we have. But I also realize that we have grown so far apart from many of our fellow Malaysians who live in this very same country we’re in. Malaysians who are barely surviving, and here we are complaining while we drive nice cars and have meals in restaurants.

I think this dawned upon me the most when I was google mapping the school that I’m going to teach for the next two years. I’ve been an ardent google map user, but I’ve always only used it to see how I can get to Bangsar, or Damansara. I realized that zooming out of Klang Valley, there really isn’t much and roads become a lot less connected (in fact, only one main road in Gemas). So, when I say the government should do this and that for me, am I thinking about people from these places? They are Malaysians too, but who is speaking out for them? Do we know what they want, or do we even care? Frankly, I have never thought of that before. I’ve been so self-absorbed in this whole pursuit of a better country for ME, for people who are like ME, and it’s so easy to entrap ourselves in this Klang Valley bubble. (sorry I’m digressing a little here)

I’m really interested to know why these two young girls said there wasn’t a point in going to school, was it because they come from families who didn’t think it was possible to be successful? was it because they don’t have someone to look up to? Most importantly, was it because they had teachers who never once told them that despite where they come from, they can achieve success, just like the “smarter people in KL”? (remind self to ask them tomorrow when I go to the gym, which I WILL BE *gung ho)

I have heard first-hand teachers saying that about their students. “There’s no hope for these students, the best thing we can do is keep them out of trouble”. No, there’s no hope for them because no one told them that they can do it. No one has believed in them, or told them that there’s no excuse to not do well because of their origin and socio-economic background.

I have had the privilege to not just go to a university, but a university abroad nonetheless. Many many other Malaysians out there might not even go to a university (in fact, 4 out of 5 working Malaysians are only educated up to SPM level) so education inequity is definitely well and alive. Although I have not seen it in my bubble, I know it’s there so it’s about time I acknowledge it. To be honest, if anything, I feel quite ashamed. Ashamed because I had wanted to leave this call of urgency behind, leave my country behind.

Ok I realize it’s been a long post, and to you it might have been a whole lot of fluff and nonsense but it’s something I believe in so just entertain me lah haha.

On a completely different note, I wonder how I suddenly became this serious person that I am. I was reading my old posts and I used to be so funny T__T. My resolution for the next few months is to get back my sense of humor, and I’ll start by googling for jokes so watch out for a funny post next wtf

And my sister is now a graduate too! very proud of her *sniff

Although her favorite phrase ever is “yeah I’ll never be as good, I’m a lousy kid who has the middle child syndrome”, she’s really a lot more mature now and I’m so glad that she’s extremely happy too! She’s going to be looking for a job in Leeds and would probably stay there for some time though

That concludes my trip here in the UK, will be heading home tomorrow. I’ve only been away from home for about 9 days and yet it somehow feels like forever! When I get back, I have to figure out what I want to do for the next 3 months before my training starts.

I’m going to be volunteering at a school but my mom is not happy that I’ll be unemployed without income, so looks like I’ll have to work part time somewhere too. Know any job that gives you quick income legally? wtf

i woke up with a smile on my face and told myself that that’s exactly what i would say on my first day in my classroom. except that the kids in my classroom would probably walk out even before i write hormat-menghormati on the board.

I’m sick of coming to my blog only to realize that I haven’t written a new post in more than a week. For some reason I kinda expected a blogpost to miraculously appear out of nowhere wtf. I wish someone would invent an auto blogging mechanism and embed it in my head so while waiting for the train or while taking a dump or while staring into space, I could just go “ok start recording. Today I feel a little blabla…blabla…blabla..end. Post” and tada it’ll be typed and posted on sweatlee.com

HAHA omg that’s such a good idea! Can do the same for emails and texts and basically everything in life. So the tagline for the product would be “Control everything in your life, from the confines of your mind”

Tsk tsk, such reliance on technology scares me. (wtf so contradictory)

Anywayyyy I’ve been busy with work lately. Have been working from 9 am-8 pm everyday, and they were telling me that when my fellowship starts end of the year, I’ll have to work even harder than this. Whaaaat! I immediately went “but what about my life?? I won’t have a life anymore!” and Dzameer, one of the cofounders, said, “Yeah you probably won’t for 2 years, but think about the many children’s lives and the impact you’ll make”. Grr I hate him for putting things into perspective for me

So yeah, the end of today’s short post. In the meantime, here’s a picture of a baby calf I stole from somewhere while googling image for “baby calf”

Moo, I’m so cute look at the heart shaped sign on my head!

Anyway I’ve been back for good (still feels weird) for almost two weeks now and I’ve been doing nothing but bumming. After less than a week of bumming, I couldn’t take it anymore and went to look for something to do – anything! a job, an internship, volunteer work, whatever to make me feel more useful. So now I’m going to volunteer my services to Teach for Malaysia and will be their dutiful intern for a month!

I have to start work next week…..and working hours are somewhere between 9am-8pm if I’m lucky…..and I’m kinda regretting it…….why torture myself when I could chillax and lepak at home goyang kaki everyday! But I know how much help they need, and I DO have time and energy so why not.

one of those days where I had all the time in the world so I took 12481 shots of myself in the same pose wtf

I actually have so much to blog about but I can’t remember what I wanted to say anymore ;___; I promise I’ll blog more frequently now, maybe even once in 2/3 days like before *gasp* so I don’t forget the things I want to say.

For today! I have photos from my graduation! These are nicer pictures since they’re taken with a camera and not my phone. What an abomination, a blogger taking pictures with her phone tsk tsk.

with my parents

spot me!

shanshan and I with our complete graduation regalia! It feels amazing to graduate alongside your best friend

FML my sunflower is dead wtf

with fellow Malaysians, Gim, Stef and Emily! (shanshan is our honorary Malaysian cos thanks to me, she speaks in malaysian accent (even stronger than mine) and remembers all the malaysian food (tosai, nasi lemak, roti, banana leaf rice, chilli pan mee))

with Chuck, my accounting professor! I love him cos he’s super eccentric and sarcastic, the kind of professors I usually like. He also gave me 99% in that class and when he saw me he said “good job! you Asian”. I asked if he even remembers my name and he said “it’ll come to me one day” wtf

Can you believe he’s 70+ years old and he baked brownies for us in EVERY class???? He also only wore suit to class so I asked him once if he bakes in his suit and he said “no, silly! I slip on an apron” hahaha

I think we took a total of 1000 over pictures that day cos our parents kept asking us to pose with EVERYthing -___-

“GOT FLOWERS! TAKE PICTURES!” *snap snap 20 times in same pose

“SQUIRRELS! STAND IN FRONT OF THEM” *snap snap

“WHITE PEOPLE!! TAKE WITH THEM” *snap snap

and everytime we stopped to talk to friends, we have 4 paparazzi taking pictures of us from all angles! hahaha and our friends would say “err i hope they’re your parents right”

Shanshan was grumbling about having to take so many pictures but hello! when will you get to have photographers following you everywhere and taking pics of you! Gotta love ‘em proud parents

In front of the chapel!

with my parents.

yes I changed my shoes wtf. I bought this pair for graduation but didn’t wear them earlier cos I was scared I’d trip when receiving my degree on stage hahaha

with the college sign and my dead sunflower. I don’t know why I kept holding on to it T_T

more pictures taken by the proud parents. Shanshan’s dad had 3 cameras and he used all 3 cameras everytime cos he said each camera produces different pictures, damn cute! But also very tiring for us to hold the poses  T_T

Anyway that’s the end of it! Everything went by so fast during graduation and I didn’t even have time to really say goodbye to shanshan. The last thing I remember was me helping her pack and bossing her around and nagging her as usual while she panics like a kid as usual (we have a funny relationship), and then we hugged and we kept saying we won’t cry and I left hurriedly cos I felt like I was choking in tears and then…gone.

Goodbyes are painful, and it’s worse when people make empty promises to each other. “I’m sure I’ll see you again” “I’ll come visit!” but I kept telling them “no, you won’t.” Let’s face it, we live on completely different sides of the world, and I rather face reality and bid a proper farewell than keep my hopes up.

Goodbyes are painful because it takes years to build a strong friendship, and no matter how much you say you’ll keep in touch, things will be very different when you are not physically close to each other. It takes years for a friendship to transcend superficiality and for two people to really know each other more than they know themselves. With Shanshan, I’d often say something and she’d know what I said actually didn’t reflect how I felt, and she was right 9 out of 10 times. Our friendship was painfully honest and incredibly real, and I’m afraid I wouldn’t find something like this once I get out of school anymore.

But..the world awaits. And so I bade farewell to my home for 4 years and my best friend who till this day is the prettiest girl I have ever met inside and outside, and pray that all our late night talks on our big dreams and hopes will come true.

The past few days have been incredible for all the seniors who are graduating. We attended the final lecture where amazing professors gave their final parting advices to us. Most of them were really inspiring and emotional and I never thought I’d say this but I kinda want to stay longer so I can attend more lectures like these.

I’ve also been exploring this area more with my parents and have fallen in love again with this place. Why do we always love something so much more when we know we are losing it soon? I regret not taking the time beyond the walls of my room, the classroom and the library on the last few months I was here, but alas there was only so much I could do. This place is beautifully breathtaking, and I’ve come to appreciate it so much more now.

Today was a jam-packed day and I was out from nearly 7 am to 1 am, don’t think I can feel my legs now T___T I will definitely blog about everything in greater detail later with pictures, but I just need to jot this down while it’s still raw.

Our dean asked us this in our Baccalaureate ceremony: “Do you still remember the person you were when you first came here?”

To be honest, I do remember that person, but that person is so far from who I’ve grown to become in the last four years. I talk about my abhorrence for this place, for its seclusion, for its lack of testosterones, but I have only recently stopped to really reflect on what this place has taught me in return. I will one day talk about this more, but coming to an empowering all-women liberal arts college has opened up an entire new world to me.

So I will graduate tomorrow and I’m happy to announce that I’m graduating with a Magna Cum Laude! It’s a Latin honor and it means “with great honor”, awarded to the top 10% of the class I’m really nervous but excited at the same time, and I really just hope I won’t trip on the stage T___T I have decided that for the sake of placating my fear of falling, I shall sacrifice looking tall and will wear flats.

Ok I have to sleep, big day tomorrow!!!!11 if you want to keep up to date with my life and see pictures, go to my twitter! I update pretty frequently.

Follow me!

I received my Teach for Malaysia welcome packet the other day and immediately read everything cover to cover. There will be a two month-training before the real teaching begins, and the training will be from 6am to 10pm everyday. (I CAN’T EVEN WAKE UP BEFORE 12PM THESE DAYS) but still, I’m glad that we will have somewhat adequate training since I’m definitely not prepared to teach just yet.

Anyway,  I felt overwhelmed immediately after reading it, because I suddenly felt all that immense expectations on me and all the responsibilities that I will have to bear. There are so many stakeholders here, the students in my classroom, the teachers in that school, the parents, the community, the people who believe/don’t believe in TFM (since we’re the first cohort, how successful it is really depends on us), and ultimately my parents who don’t think this is a good idea. Can I really do this? What if I take on this unprecedented path and ‘sacrifice’ my two years only to realize that it’s too difficult for me?

After really taking some time to think about this, and after talking to Dzameer the cofounder and Chaitra, another fellow in Teach for India, I realized how silly it is for me to even doubt myself and doubt the entire cause. If this wasn’t hard or challenging, why would I even want to do it in the first place? I know I wanted something bigger than a desk job after I graduate, and this is the perfect opportunity to do something about what I strongly believe in, this is my chance to make a difference, and I sit and moan about all the what ifs??

Anyway those are all just preliminary introduction to what I really want to blog about. I don’t know why I’m writing a crazy long post when I have exam the next day, but I just need to talk about it T___T

So yes I’m 99% sure I’m doing it for sure, which brings me to the next issue. What exactly do I do with my blog after this? It’s such a big leap, from being a student who has the freedom to talk about everything she wants and however she wants to being a teacher who isn’t only going to be a role model to teenagers but will have to uphold a certain degree of moral responsibility.

I’ve been puzzling about it for a while and I’m quite unsure how things will turn out. Because of how public my blog is, there will definitely be a lot of things I can’t talk about anymore. What if my students find my blog and all these pictures of me being vain and think of me differently, and perhaps even lose respect for me? What will the other teachers, or the parents, or just ANYone think?

I will definitely not shut down my blog because I think it’s a great avenue for me to talk about my life changing experience being a teacher in a low-income school dealing with a million and one obstacles and challenges, but I definitely can’t blog the way I’ve been blogging for years anymore.

To be honest, that is extremely scary for me. It means I have to be an adult now, I have to censor so many things that is essentially who I am, and will that mean my blog will really not be a true representation of who I am anymore?

Is it even okay for me to put pictures of me kissing a bunny next time? wtf. is it even okay to say wtf?

I know this is a long post, but I really appreciate everyone reading this and giving their opinions on it. I’ve been blogging for 7 years now and this feeling is so foreign to me, the feeling of having to completely switch the contents of my blog. Granted, I do realize my blog has seen major revamps recently and it’s definitely A LOT more serious now than before. Will I lose my readers? Will I lose my secondary income derived from blog advertisements and advertorials? (I probably can’t even do those anymore)

I’m graduating in fifteen days, and I’m extremely excited and scared at the same time.  A part of me wants to do so much, change the world! make a difference! be proactive! but another part of me just wishes my life can go on as usual, be comfortable in my comfort zone, not have responsibilities, not worrying.

I already said it, but I’m going to tell you right now if anything, I actually feel very very scared and unsure about a lot of things. I’d love to be all confident and tell everyone I know exactly what I’m doing and to show that I’m strong enough to weather whatever obstacles thrown my way, but I guess it’s cause this road is so unconventional, so foreign, that I can’t deny that I’m actually nervous about it.

Can I even write honest posts like this next time?

Haih so fan maybe should just make my blog private lah (anticlimatic conclusion after writing this long post for an hour wtf)

But like any other fairytales with similar storyline, she was trapped in the hut by a wicked stepmother.

There was nothing she could do. She was beautiful, but there was no one to see it. She was intelligent, but all she could do was spin imaginative ideas and create an ideal world in her head. She sang wonderfully, but only the animals would know that. She was perfect, but her perfection was trapped in the four walls of her mind and the physical space she was confined to.

And so that was how it was. There was never a prince to rescue her of her miseries, no children accidentally discovering her hut in the deep end of the woods, no miracles, no fairy godmothers.

And she lived happily ever after.

MF is an event that I’m very passionate about, mainly because I really believe in all the core values and principles. The premises are simple, create a platform for Malaysians in the states (and globally now) to actively discuss anything and everything related to Malaysia, and through discussions, try to encourage everyone to go out and make a difference in Malaysia or from abroad.

After four years of attending MF, and after four years of being abroad, it really makes me question my identity and role as a Malaysian. I was coerced to be on the panel to speak on my aspirations for myself and for my country (which I think I did very poorly, super unprepared T_T) so I thought I’d just share it with everyone here!

Before I came to college, I too shared similar ideals with many others who wish to be accomplished overseas. I imagined myself to be more of the ambitious, business-suit-wearing financial analyst/investment banker kind of person, making lots of moolah for the sake of helping my family and providing myself with material wealth. I knew even before I came here that I was going to major in Economics, and tailored my first year to finish my major as soon as possible.

Now, a month before graduation, I just dropped my Econ major, and I’m planning to go home to teach in high-need schools (if I get accepted to TFM, that is)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that chasing for material wealth is wrong at all. After all, we all want to pay our family back for what we’ve owed them, and we all want to live comfortably. It’s just that in these four years, I’ve changed my ideals and aspirations so much that I think I want to talk about how it’s totally okay to not conform to the usual stereotypical way of being accomplished and successful.

Being in a liberal arts college has really taught me to look at things very differently, and to challenge my former very rigid perceptions of how things work. Perhaps it has also made me very idealistic, but if idealism is the only way we can change things these days then I’m going to hold on and protect this part of me with all my life.

Someone asked me at the forum: “Why do you still want to go back when there are so many fundamental barriers, so many constitutionalized discrimination, so many political hindrance?”

I think that’s where people are quite mistaken when I tell them I want to help the country. There are lots of obstacles yes, but we don’t have to change the entire country overnight. There are many many small things you can do, small changes that will benefit whatever community you’re in. I think people are too quick to say “Aiya cannot one lah, you see all the corrupt politicians blabla” just so they have an excuse and something to blame, just so they don’t feel bad about not being proactive.

Actually coming to the states made me realize that no matter where we are, we will always have a million and one things to criticize. I used to look at America as the great country of democracy and proponent of free speech, and yet I see so many disgruntled Americans arguing about how bad things are. Granted, there are so many other pros of being in a developed nation, but my point is there is always something you don’t like – what’s more important is if you are going to do anything about it.

Going back to MF, I think one of the many small changes you can make is to first change the mindset of people around you. Instead of complaining about things and saying “aiya that’s how things are, cannot change already one”, try to encourage people you’re with to provide constructive criticisms. Talk about what you can do as an active citizen, go out and look for ways you can change the system, starting from the bottom.

I was so inspired by the other speakers at MF who talked about youth activism, and how they decided that it’s time they do something about the injustice and inequality they see in their everyday life. Be it buying books for orang asli kids, or building a platform for activism in their community, or writing about how to challenge youth to be more proactive. And then I was inspired even further by all these other people who’re also going back home and who want to do so many things given the limited resources they have.

I think this is what is lacking back home – a platform for active discussions. I was once the uninspired, apathetic student who didn’t think changes are possible because I didn’t actively reach out of my comfort zone, until I came to MF and met all these amazing individuals. One of our panel speakers, Johnson, put it quite aptly, “It’s not apathy that’s plaguing us, it’s thinking that we’re alone in this”.

There needs to be a paradigm shift, and not just one of those loosely used “anjakan paradigmas” we end our karangan with when we talk about gejala-gejala sosial. Start with talking about it, end the mindset that nothing can be done without even being involved in the action ourselves, then find other likeminded people who share similar ideals because there are more of them out there that you think.  And if we fail, at least we failed knowing that we’ve tried our best.

Hopefully one day we will all do great things and make our home a better place to live in, and ask the people who will then come back home where have they been all along.

—-

p.s: my liberal arts education has also prepared me to see both sides of the coin, so i know exactly what the counterargument might be. “you don’t know how hard things are because you haven’t been back for long and haven’t worked here” – i know it’s hard trust me, i hear friends and family talk about this all too often. my point is we should try challenging and pushing perceived boundaries first, before admitting defeat due to complacency.

“i know we should all be proactive and change the world, but basic necessities should come first, we need to have enough money to feed ourselves etc etc” – i think the point i’m trying to make is not we should all be patriotic and go back home despite having better opportunities elsewhere. there are so many ways we can be proactive, we don’t have to all quit our jobs and be superheroes. eg: supporting a cause in many ways, engaging in constructive discussions, not succumbing to the mob mentality or jumping on the bandwagon all too quick when it comes to criticizing the country.

actually i can talk forever about this lah. i just want the country to be a better place and wish everyone would believe that we all have a role to play in this too, be it small or big.

So it went like this.

I was in my grandmother’s very old house, and there was this section where there was a huge altar with statues of different gods with scary faces and all these boards with ancestors’ names etc. I think this part is enough to convince you how scary this dream is gonna be haha

So ALL my extended family members were there, all 30+ of us, and we were just chillin’ and talking and being normal. Then I decided to take pictures, so I went around taking pictures. It got really dark then, and I gathered everyone so we can take one big group picture. I fumbled with the flash to make sure it’s turned on (SEE i remember all the details, making it way scarier T_T) and I took a test shot when everyone was still talking.

Then I looked up.

And everyone was gone. Everyone just freaking disappeared!!!!

I was so scared cause it was really dark all over, and so I sat on the sofa shivering and I had my dog with me and he was shivering too. I started shouting for the gods to return my family members back, and my dog started chewing on my arm cause he was scared wtf.

Anyway I decided to look through the pictures I have taken to see if I can find clues on what the hell just happened. First few pictures were fine and everyone was happily talking, and then gradually the pictures started changing OMG RETELLING THIS IS SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF ME I’M ALONE IN MY ROOM

Everyone started getting more and more translucent for some reason, like they’re becoming ghouls? spirits?

And the last picture….the last picture….I can still remember it T_____T

The last picture is of my grandmother being almost 90% translucent and she was flying at me and her face was kinda scared, and like she’s also trying to tell me something.

Then I went on a statue-destroying rampage and started throwing the altars around wtf. There was a mysterious statue of Bruce Lee too, of which I flung out of the house angrily while shouting “Give me my family back!!!”

The end, dog was still chewing on my arm while I was being all king kong with the statues.

Actually now that I retell it, I don’t know why I woke up shivering and breaking out in cold sweat because I kinda seem pretty kickass awesome in the dream.

One girl (and a dog who likes to chew on arm when scared), 30 missing family members, tons of scary gods – coming your way this summer. directed by m. night shyamalan.

want

to

move

on

with

my

life

I’m running in circles, chasing my imaginary tail, chasing and chasing, but never grabbing it. I came close to it once, and I was so pleased with finally being able to feel the concreteness in my grasp that I accidentally let it slip away again.

I got an email the other day from a reader, and the moment I read it I felt depressed again. She said she loves my blog, and loves me, and thinks I’m a huge inspiration to her. She said she envies me, envies my passion for life, envies my strength and my persistence. It was all too flattering and I wanted to reply with my usual “thanks for reading my blog!” but I just couldn’t do it, because I was ashamed of myself.

Ashamed that the person on the receiving end of such adulation is just a girl in her torn oversized tee with unkempt hair, without motivation nor passion for anything in her life these days, mulling about counting the days to when she can finally escape from this bubble she has been in for the past 4 years.

Ashamed that whatever zest and excitement that once overfilled her every being have now evaporated into thin air, leaving her grasping in desperation to whatever that’s holding her to her reality these days.

Ashamed that the so called inspiration she is to people is this person who doesn’t even have the motivation and will to learn anymore, this bane of the society who forsakes her opportunity for knowledge to settle for many hours of dwelling in her miseries.

I don’t know what I’m going on and on about.

I took a happiness test a month ago, and I scored every question with a I’M VERY HAPPY, VERY MOTIVATED AND VERY SATISFIED WITH MY LIFE. Funny how the tables have turned in such a short time.

I’m not unhappy, i’m not depressed, i’m just.

That’s the thing, I don’t know what I am right now. I’m in a limbo of feelings, neither here nor there, floating in this weird realm of nothingness.

——–

ok fine. I might have exaggerated a little about how I’m feeling. I’m perfectly fine, and this is just an on and off feeling I’ve been experiencing.

Actually…. maybe just for the past few days WTF.

but it’s still is a big hindrance to my ultimate plan of saving the world.

have a great, err, mid march everyone!!!

So when that happens, I guess I have to resort to the lazy kinda blogging where I just post random pictures I have from my camera/ Photo Booth ;__;

This is a small part of my Symbolic Logic homework. It’s DAMN freaking hard!!!! Sometimes I kinda regret taking this class but I wanted to try something completely crazy and different before I graduate, and I’ve always wanted to take a Philosophy class and I was hoping this class will teach me how to reason logically wtf

It’s a combination of Computer Science+ Philosophy+ Math *faints

My hair is so long now!! And to think that 6 months ago it was still the boycut kinda short. I didn’t bring my hair straightener back with me so I have to suffer the wrath of having shoulder length hair

(btw, this is EXACTLY how big my room is, from that door till the rack of clothes.)

Bought new pair of shorts for $9 ^_^

I had over an hour to do my makeup the other day for Korea Night so I did a makeup video! But now too lazy/busy to edit the video and post it *stabs self

Trying too hard to be feminine with this hair wtf

I’m procrastinating having to complete my application for Teach For Malaysia and now the deadline is looming closer and I have no time to finish it *HORROR*

Truth is I just don’t know what to write about. We have to write a few essays and the application is actually way harder than I’d thought. Don’t know what Teach For Malaysia is? It’s a non-profit organization modeled after Teach For America aiming to end education inequity. Basically what they do is recruit people who are passionate about making a change in the education landscape in Malaysia. TFM fellows will then serve for two years in high need schools all over the country and this challenging and meaningful experience will hopefully transform both the schools and the fellows themselves.

To be honest, I’m not 100% sure if this is the right thing to do. Teach for America is extremely prestigious, and they only recruit the most promising and bright individuals. Teaching in challenging schools have proven to be very beneficial to these fellows who usually go on to be exceptional leaders in their fields.

Teach for Malaysia, on the other hand, is still at its infancy. It was hard enough for me to convince my parents that I want to go back home after I graduate instead of looking for a higher paying job in the states, imagine having to tell them I want to go back to TEACH. and earn probably next to nothing. “But someone’s gotta do it!” I’d argue. “Well that someone doesn’t have to be you!” they’d retort.

I don’t know, I’m still pretty confused about a lot of things. I know I’m incredibly idealistic and I know my idealism will die down eventually once I enter the big scary world of corporate firms and the neverending cycle of materialistic culture of the working world. So I feel like I have to do something like this before I get swollen whole by the real world. Wait, what am I talking about? Teaching in high need schools IS the real world, and it’s probably more real than people would imagine it to be.

Favorite quote by Wendy Kopp, the founder of Teach for America:

We don’t need to wait to eliminate poverty to ensure all children have access to the kinds of education that will ultimately give them a way out of poverty.

IF we make the most of it, the students who overcome poverty to realize their full potential will grow up to become the most inspiring leaders the world has ever known, leaders who have the strength and character that come from succeeding in the face of extraordinary challenges and have the kind of education that will allow them to solve the other problems we face as a society.

We can enable children in urban and rural school to make history. The question is simply, whether we will.

I’m sorry this post has taken a more serious tone than I’d intended it to be, but the more I sit and think about what I want to do after I graduate, the more I know for sure what I do NOT want to do. I don’t want to be caught in the rat race, well not just yet at least, and I need to know I’m going back home for a reason.

Now, I just need to write a kickass application essay so I can fulfill that reason! and kickass essay will have to wait until tomorrow cause I’m dead tired now after finishing my incredibly tedious accounting exam T__T

We shared everything about our lives and she would often show me a side of her she didn’t show anyone. Every single stolen minute I had with her made the young me incredibly happy, it was as if we were in a world with noone else but the two of us. We spent hours lying on the grass talking about our deepest darkest secrets, sitting on the sofa exchanging stories of crushes and giggling uncontrollably when her cats lined up to listen to our stories. It was a beautiful friendship, if only she wasn’t so caught up with the whole popularity race.

In school, she was undeniably one of the most popular girls. Guys would constantly try to get her attention while girls would die for her to write in their cute autobiography books. When she was surrounded by these people, she would pretend I meant nothing to her. She would pick on me, call me mean names, make fun of me while everyone laughed along.

It was alright for a while, because I secretly knew deep inside she loved me the most and would do anything for me. But slowly, my self-confidence plummeted. Sometimes the jokes would get too far, and I would sulk and not talk to her for days. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her my issues because I didn’t want to be petty and lose her, so I would avoid her and she would get mad and accused me for being a bad friend.

This weird friendship went on for a while, and we would ping pong back and forth between whispering secrets and giggling, to being mad at each other for days on end, to hurling insults at each other.

One day while we were with a big bunch of people, she jokingly told everyone a secret I had only told her in utmost confidence in the comforts of her room with her cats watching. I was dumbfounded but I laughed along when everyone turned to me and laughed. I kept telling myself that she meant no malice, that she must have in the heat of the moment thought I could take it. I couldn’t, but I kept it inside me.

Our friendship ended that day for me. In my eyes, she was no longer the perfect girl I had loved. The days of lying on the grass became a painful memory instead and I started inching away from her. She had built her confidence at my expense, and I felt utterly stupid for sharing all my secrets with her.

I haven’t spoken to her for what seems like an eternity now, but I realized in that time that maybe if I had confidence in myself to begin with, I wouldn’t have allowed the hurt and hatred to manifest inside me. Maybe then, I could have somehow salvaged a friendship that I had cherished so much before.

But it happened, and I’d lost her. Maybe in another lifetime, we would find each other, lie on the grass with the sun shining brightly above us, and be in our own world again.

But I didn’t publish it because I realized that it wouldn’t make a difference at all.

So as I lay on my bed surrounded by the warmth of my heated room, I look at the pretty lights I have hanging down the ceiling softly lighting up the pictures of my family and friends and I am reminded of the warmth that matters more to me.

Happy smiles of people who care about me forever etched in a 4×6 piece of paper, birthday cards and cards with memories of love, random meaningful fortune cookie fortunes I’ve amassed throughout my time here.

It was in a random gift store in a hidden corner of a tube station in London that I laid my eyes on this card. As I was reading the words, I could actually smell the salty sea breeze, feel the softness of your hand in mine, feel the giddiness of being drunk with love and fresh air.

Before I knew it, I received the very same card in my mailbox the month after, reminding me of that few seconds I was completely lost in the card’s world of secret rendezvous.

I moved into my very own single last week, and I couldn’t be happier. It was a very small room, smaller than I’d liked, but something I’ve grown to love more each day. The small size of my room makes everything in the room appear more significant, makes every petal of the tulip lights I have hanging brighter, makes every decoration more meaningful.

The best part of moving here has got to be my amazing view. I have direct view of the lake (that is frozen now so it’s just a blanket of whiteness) and the sun shines brightly into my room.

The only problem is I have way too many clothes for this small room, but this will do. I just don’t know how I’m going to bring three full suitcases of clothes back with me later on.

The snow and icicles are melting, a great sign that Spring is on its way. It’s been extremely cold these few days though, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed under my puffy down coat that the flowers will bloom soon. It will come, slowly but surely.

I don’t normally take this route, but I was so glad I did the other day when I saw the river and how pretty it is. I gotta admit that as much as I hate being in a college that is literally in the middle of nowhere, sometimes I really should stop and smell the roses because before I know it, I wouldn’t have the chance to smell them again.

It’s a really nice Friday night for me. I’m huddled under my warm comfy duvet at 3 in the morning listening to The Weepies and I had spent the whole day in amazing company be it on skype or in real life. I can’t believe I had spent the previous few days mulling over the fact that people hate me enough to think the worst of me, that whatever I do will never be good enough because some people just want to see me fail, because truth is, I will rise above all this because I know I’m beyond lucky to be where I am now with who I am with.

And no one’s gonna take that away from me.

Wow this picture looks too good to be taken with my blackberry, it looks like a postcard!

It was nice at first to see all that snow, but then this happened:

can’t really see, but it was snowing quite hard outside. which is fine and dandy at first cause it was sooo pretty

wow look at all that fresh snow on the ground!

and then it got ugly and started getting too much.

but it’s okay cause classes are canceled!!! for TWO consecutive days, which shows how bad the weather is now.

but it’s really nice to take pictures outside when it’s snowing cause everything is super bright!

—

Out of boredom (and depression from this cold), I went on an online shopping frenzy again!

And bought too many clothes T__T but forgive me for I am weak. This time I chanced upon a Singaporean clothing site called Club Couture, an international fashion label that recently arrived in Malaysia!

This is the first thing that caught my eye! I super love this dress but too bad it’s wayyy too small for me T__T who ask me to eat so much recently, now I can’t even fit into an S anymore!

So I gave it to Giang and it fits her perfectly!

Ah, jealous max! But it’s impossible to lose 15 kg and be as skinny as her so it’s okay haha

Don’t you love this dress as much as I do!? It’s so classy from the front and voila, super low back!

The full back. The top part is made from this mesh netting material, super awesome T_T

I got this corset tube top that I really love as well! Ah, can’t really see the details here but it has a criss-cross corset back and has lace all over! I’ll take a better one next time when I’m using a better camera!

Lastly, I got this romper cause I’ve been meaning to get one! It looks way better on the tall model but still not too bad lah I guess.

Clubcouture has a low shipping rate of just $7.95, so time to shop more especially when the weather is terrible outside and I can’t go to the mall! Hoho

Too bad I can’t wear any of these clothes now and have to layer up and risk looking like a fat dumpling T__T

An announcement to fellow Malaysians in the States:

Looking for a meaningful summer internship back in Malaysia?

Truth is, I have a million things to talk about! I’ve spent many afternoons on my own now, mulling about the house alone indecently dressed in torn oversized tee and shorts, sprawling flat on the cold marble floor to cool off, lying on the couch like a sloth reading a chick lit, catching up on personal blogs I’ve stopped reading for a long time, listening to old songs from CDs I never knew I had, sitting by the window watching kids scream playfully in the pool, rummaging the fridge and every cabinet in the kitchen for food and then suddenly remembering that I’ve gained so much weight since I’ve been back so I keep putting back the food while giving them a “sorry I can’t eat you today” look, helping my mother with household chores which sounds really filial of me but in actual fact said chores only include hanging up the clothes to dry, taking them back in and folding them (also proud to admit that I’ve mastered the important skill of taking more than 10 hangers of clothes at one time with the stick thingy, which is worth boasting about because it takes great wrist flexibility and upper arm strength to be able to maneuver the stick with such precision) (but sad to admit that I cannot fold clothes for a living, mom always comes back from work to see such ugly folded clothes and have to refold them again ;_;) – okay, lost my train of thought from too much digression, totally don’t remember what I wanted to talk about.

Anyway, that’s not the point at all. The point is, I’ve become a much happier person lately. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m in my comfort zone now in this familiar territory, or the fact that the weather has been extremely kind to me, or the fact that I’m fatter (from the happiness? happiness from food?), or the fact that I actually have friends again, or..the fact that I’m in love with someone amazing.

So this is something I’ve been hiding from the public for numerous reasons ranging from the potential harsh judgment I might get for moving on from my previous breakup so easily to dating someone who seems unconventional for me and thus breaking whatever societal norms/rules there are out there. It’s been six months so if you want to judge me for moving on and for being happy, then screw you. All I know is I’ve been trying to make amends for the pain and hurt I’ve put the people who love me through, and whatever that happened should only concern the people who were involved.

I guess in some ways, I’ve come to terms with having people judge me anyway so why not clear things up myself rather than being speculated mindlessly about. Yes, I’ve moved on and have started dating again. Yes, I’m a cruel person for moving on so quickly when I should be mourning for an indefinite amount of time and be all miserable and sad. Yes, I actually allowed myself to find my own happiness, hence increasing my Cruella Devil-o-meter.

In the pursuit of my own seemingly selfish happiness, I may have been branded many ugly names but so be it. At the end of the day, those names will be mere whispers and will be blown away by the wind, the people who throw ugly glances at me will be mere faceless shadows, but I will still remain happy.

2010 was by far the most turbulent year I’ve had in my life. A year that felt so fleeting and yet so eventful I cannot begin to recount the events that had transpired. In a nutshell, it was a year that I had lost love, found love, lost love, found love, and repeat cycle too many times that my heart got all confused from the complexity and intricacies of my life. The earlier part of the year was only six short months ago, and yet whatever memories I have of it are either extremely hazy or completely nonexistent. Memories from the later part of the year, however, are so strong and prominent that I wish I could chuck them further away so I don’t have to be reminded of the confusing phase I was in.

I think that is it, if there was one word to describe my 2010, it’ll be confusing. An utterly convoluted and confusing mess, but nevertheless a mess that I don’t regret because of the lessons derived from it. I wish so much that I can write down exactly what happened so this entry doesn’t have to sound this vague and ambiguous, but I can’t because I don’t even know where to begin.

Although this entry is titled Memories of 2010, I think I’m not going to recap how my 2010 had been. Not that it was an awful year because it DEFINITELY wasn’t, but 2010 was the past, and now I’m looking forward to building new memories of 2011 instead.

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I started playing basketball for the first time in many many years this week. I did so mainly because I want to lose weight, not because I miss the game. Once I stepped on the court, however, I realized how much I’ve missed the sight of it all. How I’ve missed the texture of the ball in my hand and the feeling I get when I’m in control over the movement of the ball. How I’ve missed the victorious leapt in my heart whenever the ball slips effortlessly into the basket, the swift “woosh” and the sight of the net flipping up when the ball enters.

After a game with my long-time basketball coach and nemesis, we walked to the nearby sundry shop to get our usual 100 plus. The bells on the door chimed gently and the familiar smell of incense immediately escaped through the crack of the door. The same Indian shop owner I’ve known for nine years now greeted me with his usual lazy He~llo, before continuing whatever Bollywood show he was watching on TV. I grabbed a bottle of the best sports drink in the world, paid, and sat on the stoop outside gulping everything to the very last drop.

Everything reminded me so much of something that was such a routine for me for years and years when I was in high school. I realized then that no matter how long I’ve been out of sync with this once familiar part of my life, I will always return to it one day only to realize that everything is still going to be the same. From the sound of the bouncing ball, to the joy of entering an accurate shot, to the incensed-filled sundry shop, to the taste of 100 plus.

It was then that I knew, that however much I’ve changed in 2010, whatever crazy adventures I’ve been through, however much my circumstances have changed, there will always be small inconsequential parts of my life that will remain the same. And that’s why I will always, without a doubt, opt to come back home.

——

My mom has been trying to understand why I want to come back home after I graduate. Everyday, our daily conversations will be peppered with a sudden “By the way, this aunty says you should stay in the states when you graduate. Remember Aunty Mary? Her husband’s sister’s son’s teacher’s daughter’s friend used to be in the same school as you. She looks very wise. I think you should listen to her. Don’t understand why you want to come back and help this country”.

At this point, I’ve given up trying to tell her why I want to come back home. Truth is, I’d rather be a second-class citizen here in my own country (although I still don’t think I am), than to be a foreigner in another country. I know this country like the back of my hand, what makes the people tick, how things work, the temperaments and quirks only obtained after a lifetime spent here.

There are a million and one reasons why I want to come home and although I’ve talked to many people about staying on and I’ve given it a thought myself, the pros of coming back still outweigh the cons. I know I should work a few years overseas for the experience, and for the money, and then import the knowledge gained back if I want to help my country, blabla yeah that’s the ideal situation but what if I get suckered in later and can’t leave.

Pokoknya, I’m coming home whether everyone likes it or not.

(also, it’s impossible to get a job in the states now) (maybe I’m just too lazy to get one and trying to find the easy way out by coming home).

I’ve been writing bits and pieces of this entry for the past four days. Sorry if those bits don’t sound coherent at all!

Nothing anyone’s gonna say will make me change my mind.

Happy new year! Happy 2011! As for me, happy finally-going-to-graduate year! I’ve been waiting for this year since forever and I’m so glad it has finally arrived. But now that it has arrived, I’m actually feeling uneasy because it means it’s my final few months of being a student.

Oh well, brand new adventures ahead! That’s if I won’t end up as an unemployed bum living off my parents when I graduate….which could very well be the case hoho.

Anyway, I don’t have anything to blog about nor do I have any amazing pictures of my life right now, so here are some camwhore pictures.

I LOVE BEING HOME

Look at how awesome my skin is in this humid weather! Screw expensive and overpriced facial products, all you need to do is move to a tropical country

I want to blog about my 2010 but I feel so lazy now..I’m sprawled flat on the floor reading newspaper and eating papaya and watching Shin Chan dubbed in Malay on TV and listening to my mom gossip about people I don’t know. I’m having such a great year already! Haha.

Happy New Year again everyone, may you all have a greattttt year ahead cause I know I will be! Although I may officially be classified as UNEMPLOYED soon, I’m sure there are always things for me to do. Suddenly I’m engulfed by this overwhelming feeling of excitement, a feeling that anything is possible as long as I feel like it is.

Can’t find a job? Go travel around the world and take time to figure out what I want to do! No money? Start saving now and travel cheap! Can’t find a suitable job? Make a job for myself!

I’m sure things will be fine and will be sorted out in time. I have a feeling.. that this will be an amazing year for me

I am soooo glad to be home you have no idea. My skin has been terrible lately and once I arrived it immediately cleared up!! What a miracle T___T I love being back in this humid weather!

No updates for now cause I haven’t been doing anything lately but stay at home and rot.

Anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS! and if I don’t see you before then, HAPPY NEW YEAR TOO!