I think one of the main reasons why I stop blogging so frequently is because I tweet a lot more now. It’s more convenient compared to having to open my WordPress and writing a bigger chunk of text, but I have to admit I always prefer writing in my blog a lot more. How can you express adequately your emotions and feelings and ideas in 140 characters? especially when you have to shorten words and things look so abrupt. It’s just not the same..

Anyway I’ve been back for good (still feels weird) for almost two weeks now and I’ve been doing nothing but bumming. After less than a week of bumming, I couldn’t take it anymore and went to look for something to do – anything! a job, an internship, volunteer work, whatever to make me feel more useful. So now I’m going to volunteer my services to Teach for Malaysia and will be their dutiful intern for a month!

I have to start work next week…..and working hours are somewhere between 9am-8pm if I’m lucky…..and I’m kinda regretting it…….why torture myself when I could chillax and lepak at home goyang kaki everyday! But I know how much help they need, and I DO have time and energy so why not.

one of those days where I had all the time in the world so I took 12481 shots of myself in the same pose wtf

I actually have so much to blog about but I can’t remember what I wanted to say anymore ;___; I promise I’ll blog more frequently now, maybe even once in 2/3 days like before *gasp* so I don’t forget the things I want to say.

For today! I have photos from my graduation! These are nicer pictures since they’re taken with a camera and not my phone. What an abomination, a blogger taking pictures with her phone tsk tsk.

with my parents

spot me!

shanshan and I with our complete graduation regalia! It feels amazing to graduate alongside your best friend

FML my sunflower is dead wtf

with fellow Malaysians, Gim, Stef and Emily! (shanshan is our honorary Malaysian cos thanks to me, she speaks in malaysian accent (even stronger than mine) and remembers all the malaysian food (tosai, nasi lemak, roti, banana leaf rice, chilli pan mee))

with Chuck, my accounting professor! I love him cos he’s super eccentric and sarcastic, the kind of professors I usually like. He also gave me 99% in that class and when he saw me he said “good job! you Asian”. I asked if he even remembers my name and he said “it’ll come to me one day” wtf

Can you believe he’s 70+ years old and he baked brownies for us in EVERY class???? He also only wore suit to class so I asked him once if he bakes in his suit and he said “no, silly! I slip on an apron” hahaha

I think we took a total of 1000 over pictures that day cos our parents kept asking us to pose with EVERYthing -___-

“GOT FLOWERS! TAKE PICTURES!” *snap snap 20 times in same pose

“SQUIRRELS! STAND IN FRONT OF THEM” *snap snap

“WHITE PEOPLE!! TAKE WITH THEM” *snap snap

and everytime we stopped to talk to friends, we have 4 paparazzi taking pictures of us from all angles! hahaha and our friends would say “err i hope they’re your parents right”

Shanshan was grumbling about having to take so many pictures but hello! when will you get to have photographers following you everywhere and taking pics of you! Gotta love ‘em proud parents

In front of the chapel!

with my parents.

yes I changed my shoes wtf. I bought this pair for graduation but didn’t wear them earlier cos I was scared I’d trip when receiving my degree on stage hahaha

with the college sign and my dead sunflower. I don’t know why I kept holding on to it T_T

more pictures taken by the proud parents. Shanshan’s dad had 3 cameras and he used all 3 cameras everytime cos he said each camera produces different pictures, damn cute! But also very tiring for us to hold the poses  T_T

Anyway that’s the end of it! Everything went by so fast during graduation and I didn’t even have time to really say goodbye to shanshan. The last thing I remember was me helping her pack and bossing her around and nagging her as usual while she panics like a kid as usual (we have a funny relationship), and then we hugged and we kept saying we won’t cry and I left hurriedly cos I felt like I was choking in tears and then…gone.

Goodbyes are painful, and it’s worse when people make empty promises to each other. “I’m sure I’ll see you again” “I’ll come visit!” but I kept telling them “no, you won’t.” Let’s face it, we live on completely different sides of the world, and I rather face reality and bid a proper farewell than keep my hopes up.

Goodbyes are painful because it takes years to build a strong friendship, and no matter how much you say you’ll keep in touch, things will be very different when you are not physically close to each other. It takes years for a friendship to transcend superficiality and for two people to really know each other more than they know themselves. With Shanshan, I’d often say something and she’d know what I said actually didn’t reflect how I felt, and she was right 9 out of 10 times. Our friendship was painfully honest and incredibly real, and I’m afraid I wouldn’t find something like this once I get out of school anymore.

But..the world awaits. And so I bade farewell to my home for 4 years and my best friend who till this day is the prettiest girl I have ever met inside and outside, and pray that all our late night talks on our big dreams and hopes will come true.

Sorry I’ve neglected my blog for so long, I’ve been busy traveling with my parents who are here for my graduation! I’ve also been busy catching up with friends and professors, hardly have time to breathe. I also have NOT packed although I’m leaving in 2 days!!!

The past few days have been incredible for all the seniors who are graduating. We attended the final lecture where amazing professors gave their final parting advices to us. Most of them were really inspiring and emotional and I never thought I’d say this but I kinda want to stay longer so I can attend more lectures like these.

I’ve also been exploring this area more with my parents and have fallen in love again with this place. Why do we always love something so much more when we know we are losing it soon? I regret not taking the time beyond the walls of my room, the classroom and the library on the last few months I was here, but alas there was only so much I could do. This place is beautifully breathtaking, and I’ve come to appreciate it so much more now.

Today was a jam-packed day and I was out from nearly 7 am to 1 am, don’t think I can feel my legs now T___T I will definitely blog about everything in greater detail later with pictures, but I just need to jot this down while it’s still raw.

Our dean asked us this in our Baccalaureate ceremony: “Do you still remember the person you were when you first came here?”

To be honest, I do remember that person, but that person is so far from who I’ve grown to become in the last four years. I talk about my abhorrence for this place, for its seclusion, for its lack of testosterones, but I have only recently stopped to really reflect on what this place has taught me in return. I will one day talk about this more, but coming to an empowering all-women liberal arts college has opened up an entire new world to me.

So I will graduate tomorrow and I’m happy to announce that I’m graduating with a Magna Cum Laude! It’s a Latin honor and it means “with great honor”, awarded to the top 10% of the class I’m really nervous but excited at the same time, and I really just hope I won’t trip on the stage T___T I have decided that for the sake of placating my fear of falling, I shall sacrifice looking tall and will wear flats.

Ok I have to sleep, big day tomorrow!!!!11 if you want to keep up to date with my life and see pictures, go to my twitter! I update pretty frequently.

Follow me!

Today I’m feeling bogged down by a lot of different emotions and despite being in the midst of the nerve-wrecking final exams period, I also feel strangely relaxed. I’ve been following my daily hour-by-hour schedule rather religiously and have accomplished most of what I need to do, and while tonight I’m supposed to be revising for my Logic exam tomorrow I just feel like I need to seek refuge somehow from all that chaos around me.

I received my Teach for Malaysia welcome packet the other day and immediately read everything cover to cover. There will be a two month-training before the real teaching begins, and the training will be from 6am to 10pm everyday. (I CAN’T EVEN WAKE UP BEFORE 12PM THESE DAYS) but still, I’m glad that we will have somewhat adequate training since I’m definitely not prepared to teach just yet.

Anyway,  I felt overwhelmed immediately after reading it, because I suddenly felt all that immense expectations on me and all the responsibilities that I will have to bear. There are so many stakeholders here, the students in my classroom, the teachers in that school, the parents, the community, the people who believe/don’t believe in TFM (since we’re the first cohort, how successful it is really depends on us), and ultimately my parents who don’t think this is a good idea. Can I really do this? What if I take on this unprecedented path and ‘sacrifice’ my two years only to realize that it’s too difficult for me?

After really taking some time to think about this, and after talking to Dzameer the cofounder and Chaitra, another fellow in Teach for India, I realized how silly it is for me to even doubt myself and doubt the entire cause. If this wasn’t hard or challenging, why would I even want to do it in the first place? I know I wanted something bigger than a desk job after I graduate, and this is the perfect opportunity to do something about what I strongly believe in, this is my chance to make a difference, and I sit and moan about all the what ifs??

Anyway those are all just preliminary introduction to what I really want to blog about. I don’t know why I’m writing a crazy long post when I have exam the next day, but I just need to talk about it T___T

So yes I’m 99% sure I’m doing it for sure, which brings me to the next issue. What exactly do I do with my blog after this? It’s such a big leap, from being a student who has the freedom to talk about everything she wants and however she wants to being a teacher who isn’t only going to be a role model to teenagers but will have to uphold a certain degree of moral responsibility.

I’ve been puzzling about it for a while and I’m quite unsure how things will turn out. Because of how public my blog is, there will definitely be a lot of things I can’t talk about anymore. What if my students find my blog and all these pictures of me being vain and think of me differently, and perhaps even lose respect for me? What will the other teachers, or the parents, or just ANYone think?

I will definitely not shut down my blog because I think it’s a great avenue for me to talk about my life changing experience being a teacher in a low-income school dealing with a million and one obstacles and challenges, but I definitely can’t blog the way I’ve been blogging for years anymore.

To be honest, that is extremely scary for me. It means I have to be an adult now, I have to censor so many things that is essentially who I am, and will that mean my blog will really not be a true representation of who I am anymore?

Is it even okay for me to put pictures of me kissing a bunny next time? wtf. is it even okay to say wtf?

I know this is a long post, but I really appreciate everyone reading this and giving their opinions on it. I’ve been blogging for 7 years now and this feeling is so foreign to me, the feeling of having to completely switch the contents of my blog. Granted, I do realize my blog has seen major revamps recently and it’s definitely A LOT more serious now than before. Will I lose my readers? Will I lose my secondary income derived from blog advertisements and advertorials? (I probably can’t even do those anymore)

I’m graduating in fifteen days, and I’m extremely excited and scared at the same time.  A part of me wants to do so much, change the world! make a difference! be proactive! but another part of me just wishes my life can go on as usual, be comfortable in my comfort zone, not have responsibilities, not worrying.

I already said it, but I’m going to tell you right now if anything, I actually feel very very scared and unsure about a lot of things. I’d love to be all confident and tell everyone I know exactly what I’m doing and to show that I’m strong enough to weather whatever obstacles thrown my way, but I guess it’s cause this road is so unconventional, so foreign, that I can’t deny that I’m actually nervous about it.

Can I even write honest posts like this next time?

Haih so fan maybe should just make my blog private lah (anticlimatic conclusion after writing this long post for an hour wtf)

There once was a young girl, whose dreams were bigger than all that she was ever used to. She would wake up full of joy, sing to all the birds and deers in the forest where her small hut was, and daydream her days away. She wanted to do so many things: get out of the small hut! meet her prince! save the dying and the poor! change the world!

But like any other fairytales with similar storyline, she was trapped in the hut by a wicked stepmother.

There was nothing she could do. She was beautiful, but there was no one to see it. She was intelligent, but all she could do was spin imaginative ideas and create an ideal world in her head. She sang wonderfully, but only the animals would know that. She was perfect, but her perfection was trapped in the four walls of her mind and the physical space she was confined to.

And so that was how it was. There was never a prince to rescue her of her miseries, no children accidentally discovering her hut in the deep end of the woods, no miracles, no fairy godmothers.

And she lived happily ever after.

Malaysia Forum 2011 just ended – an annual event that a bunch of Malaysian students in the US have been working extremely hard for- and I can finally sigh a sigh of relief. We’d been on our phones and computers for almost three months, religiously checking and replying every mail, painstakingly promoting the event and getting incredibly inspiring speakers and coordinating a million and one things, and I dare say that this is probably the most well organized MF we’ve ever had

MF is an event that I’m very passionate about, mainly because I really believe in all the core values and principles. The premises are simple, create a platform for Malaysians in the states (and globally now) to actively discuss anything and everything related to Malaysia, and through discussions, try to encourage everyone to go out and make a difference in Malaysia or from abroad.

After four years of attending MF, and after four years of being abroad, it really makes me question my identity and role as a Malaysian. I was coerced to be on the panel to speak on my aspirations for myself and for my country (which I think I did very poorly, super unprepared T_T) so I thought I’d just share it with everyone here!

Before I came to college, I too shared similar ideals with many others who wish to be accomplished overseas. I imagined myself to be more of the ambitious, business-suit-wearing financial analyst/investment banker kind of person, making lots of moolah for the sake of helping my family and providing myself with material wealth. I knew even before I came here that I was going to major in Economics, and tailored my first year to finish my major as soon as possible.

Now, a month before graduation, I just dropped my Econ major, and I’m planning to go home to teach in high-need schools (if I get accepted to TFM, that is)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that chasing for material wealth is wrong at all. After all, we all want to pay our family back for what we’ve owed them, and we all want to live comfortably. It’s just that in these four years, I’ve changed my ideals and aspirations so much that I think I want to talk about how it’s totally okay to not conform to the usual stereotypical way of being accomplished and successful.

Being in a liberal arts college has really taught me to look at things very differently, and to challenge my former very rigid perceptions of how things work. Perhaps it has also made me very idealistic, but if idealism is the only way we can change things these days then I’m going to hold on and protect this part of me with all my life.

Someone asked me at the forum: “Why do you still want to go back when there are so many fundamental barriers, so many constitutionalized discrimination, so many political hindrance?”

I think that’s where people are quite mistaken when I tell them I want to help the country. There are lots of obstacles yes, but we don’t have to change the entire country overnight. There are many many small things you can do, small changes that will benefit whatever community you’re in. I think people are too quick to say “Aiya cannot one lah, you see all the corrupt politicians blabla” just so they have an excuse and something to blame, just so they don’t feel bad about not being proactive.

Actually coming to the states made me realize that no matter where we are, we will always have a million and one things to criticize. I used to look at America as the great country of democracy and proponent of free speech, and yet I see so many disgruntled Americans arguing about how bad things are. Granted, there are so many other pros of being in a developed nation, but my point is there is always something you don’t like – what’s more important is if you are going to do anything about it.

Going back to MF, I think one of the many small changes you can make is to first change the mindset of people around you. Instead of complaining about things and saying “aiya that’s how things are, cannot change already one”, try to encourage people you’re with to provide constructive criticisms. Talk about what you can do as an active citizen, go out and look for ways you can change the system, starting from the bottom.

I was so inspired by the other speakers at MF who talked about youth activism, and how they decided that it’s time they do something about the injustice and inequality they see in their everyday life. Be it buying books for orang asli kids, or building a platform for activism in their community, or writing about how to challenge youth to be more proactive. And then I was inspired even further by all these other people who’re also going back home and who want to do so many things given the limited resources they have.

I think this is what is lacking back home – a platform for active discussions. I was once the uninspired, apathetic student who didn’t think changes are possible because I didn’t actively reach out of my comfort zone, until I came to MF and met all these amazing individuals. One of our panel speakers, Johnson, put it quite aptly, “It’s not apathy that’s plaguing us, it’s thinking that we’re alone in this”.

There needs to be a paradigm shift, and not just one of those loosely used “anjakan paradigmas” we end our karangan with when we talk about gejala-gejala sosial. Start with talking about it, end the mindset that nothing can be done without even being involved in the action ourselves, then find other likeminded people who share similar ideals because there are more of them out there that you think.  And if we fail, at least we failed knowing that we’ve tried our best.

Hopefully one day we will all do great things and make our home a better place to live in, and ask the people who will then come back home where have they been all along.

—-

p.s: my liberal arts education has also prepared me to see both sides of the coin, so i know exactly what the counterargument might be. “you don’t know how hard things are because you haven’t been back for long and haven’t worked here” – i know it’s hard trust me, i hear friends and family talk about this all too often. my point is we should try challenging and pushing perceived boundaries first, before admitting defeat due to complacency.

“i know we should all be proactive and change the world, but basic necessities should come first, we need to have enough money to feed ourselves etc etc” – i think the point i’m trying to make is not we should all be patriotic and go back home despite having better opportunities elsewhere. there are so many ways we can be proactive, we don’t have to all quit our jobs and be superheroes. eg: supporting a cause in many ways, engaging in constructive discussions, not succumbing to the mob mentality or jumping on the bandwagon all too quick when it comes to criticizing the country.

actually i can talk forever about this lah. i just want the country to be a better place and wish everyone would believe that we all have a role to play in this too, be it small or big.

I had the mother of all scary nightmares yesterday, and I know I tend to exaggerate a lot but this is really super scary. When I retold the dream to shanshan, she had goosebumps all over and seriously thought it was very scary, therefore the scariness of my scary dream is validated wtf

So it went like this.

I was in my grandmother’s very old house, and there was this section where there was a huge altar with statues of different gods with scary faces and all these boards with ancestors’ names etc. I think this part is enough to convince you how scary this dream is gonna be haha

So ALL my extended family members were there, all 30+ of us, and we were just chillin’ and talking and being normal. Then I decided to take pictures, so I went around taking pictures. It got really dark then, and I gathered everyone so we can take one big group picture. I fumbled with the flash to make sure it’s turned on (SEE i remember all the details, making it way scarier T_T) and I took a test shot when everyone was still talking.

Then I looked up.

And everyone was gone. Everyone just freaking disappeared!!!!

I was so scared cause it was really dark all over, and so I sat on the sofa shivering and I had my dog with me and he was shivering too. I started shouting for the gods to return my family members back, and my dog started chewing on my arm cause he was scared wtf.

Anyway I decided to look through the pictures I have taken to see if I can find clues on what the hell just happened. First few pictures were fine and everyone was happily talking, and then gradually the pictures started changing OMG RETELLING THIS IS SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF ME I’M ALONE IN MY ROOM

Everyone started getting more and more translucent for some reason, like they’re becoming ghouls? spirits?

And the last picture….the last picture….I can still remember it T_____T

The last picture is of my grandmother being almost 90% translucent and she was flying at me and her face was kinda scared, and like she’s also trying to tell me something.

Then I went on a statue-destroying rampage and started throwing the altars around wtf. There was a mysterious statue of Bruce Lee too, of which I flung out of the house angrily while shouting “Give me my family back!!!”

The end, dog was still chewing on my arm while I was being all king kong with the statues.

Actually now that I retell it, I don’t know why I woke up shivering and breaking out in cold sweat because I kinda seem pretty kickass awesome in the dream.

One girl (and a dog who likes to chew on arm when scared), 30 missing family members, tons of scary gods – coming your way this summer. directed by m. night shyamalan.

just

want

to

move

on

with

my

life

Something is wrong with me these days, but I just can’t point my finger on what exactly. I would stare into space in class for what seems like a few seconds, letting my mind go blank for a short while, and poof class is over. I would walk back to my room following the route I’ve walked on repetitiously for years now, and poof I arrive at a place I’ve never seen before. I would sleep and dream, and dream, and wake up not knowing which is my reality.

I’m running in circles, chasing my imaginary tail, chasing and chasing, but never grabbing it. I came close to it once, and I was so pleased with finally being able to feel the concreteness in my grasp that I accidentally let it slip away again.

I got an email the other day from a reader, and the moment I read it I felt depressed again. She said she loves my blog, and loves me, and thinks I’m a huge inspiration to her. She said she envies me, envies my passion for life, envies my strength and my persistence. It was all too flattering and I wanted to reply with my usual “thanks for reading my blog!” but I just couldn’t do it, because I was ashamed of myself.

Ashamed that the person on the receiving end of such adulation is just a girl in her torn oversized tee with unkempt hair, without motivation nor passion for anything in her life these days, mulling about counting the days to when she can finally escape from this bubble she has been in for the past 4 years.

Ashamed that whatever zest and excitement that once overfilled her every being have now evaporated into thin air, leaving her grasping in desperation to whatever that’s holding her to her reality these days.

Ashamed that the so called inspiration she is to people is this person who doesn’t even have the motivation and will to learn anymore, this bane of the society who forsakes her opportunity for knowledge to settle for many hours of dwelling in her miseries.

I don’t know what I’m going on and on about.

I took a happiness test a month ago, and I scored every question with a I’M VERY HAPPY, VERY MOTIVATED AND VERY SATISFIED WITH MY LIFE. Funny how the tables have turned in such a short time.

I’m not unhappy, i’m not depressed, i’m just.

That’s the thing, I don’t know what I am right now. I’m in a limbo of feelings, neither here nor there, floating in this weird realm of nothingness.

——–

ok fine. I might have exaggerated a little about how I’m feeling. I’m perfectly fine, and this is just an on and off feeling I’ve been experiencing.

Actually…. maybe just for the past few days WTF.

but it’s still is a big hindrance to my ultimate plan of saving the world.

okay might have to stop blogging for a while cause i’m leaving for spring break tomorrow!!! I’m going to puerto rico cause it’s HOT AND SUNNY and the beaches there are awesome. will blog whenever i can with pictures!

have a great, err, mid march everyone!!!

Just realized I haven’t blogged in more than a week..again. There were days when I woke up wanting to blog about a million and one things but never had the time to, or days when I had all the time in the world but not remember what was it I wanted to say.

So when that happens, I guess I have to resort to the lazy kinda blogging where I just post random pictures I have from my camera/ Photo Booth ;__;

This is a small part of my Symbolic Logic homework. It’s DAMN freaking hard!!!! Sometimes I kinda regret taking this class but I wanted to try something completely crazy and different before I graduate, and I’ve always wanted to take a Philosophy class and I was hoping this class will teach me how to reason logically wtf

It’s a combination of Computer Science+ Philosophy+ Math *faints

My hair is so long now!! And to think that 6 months ago it was still the boycut kinda short. I didn’t bring my hair straightener back with me so I have to suffer the wrath of having shoulder length hair

(btw, this is EXACTLY how big my room is, from that door till the rack of clothes.)

Bought new pair of shorts for $9 ^_^

I had over an hour to do my makeup the other day for Korea Night so I did a makeup video! But now too lazy/busy to edit the video and post it *stabs self

Trying too hard to be feminine with this hair wtf

I’m procrastinating having to complete my application for Teach For Malaysia and now the deadline is looming closer and I have no time to finish it *HORROR*

Truth is I just don’t know what to write about. We have to write a few essays and the application is actually way harder than I’d thought. Don’t know what Teach For Malaysia is? It’s a non-profit organization modeled after Teach For America aiming to end education inequity. Basically what they do is recruit people who are passionate about making a change in the education landscape in Malaysia. TFM fellows will then serve for two years in high need schools all over the country and this challenging and meaningful experience will hopefully transform both the schools and the fellows themselves.

To be honest, I’m not 100% sure if this is the right thing to do. Teach for America is extremely prestigious, and they only recruit the most promising and bright individuals. Teaching in challenging schools have proven to be very beneficial to these fellows who usually go on to be exceptional leaders in their fields.

Teach for Malaysia, on the other hand, is still at its infancy. It was hard enough for me to convince my parents that I want to go back home after I graduate instead of looking for a higher paying job in the states, imagine having to tell them I want to go back to TEACH. and earn probably next to nothing. “But someone’s gotta do it!” I’d argue. “Well that someone doesn’t have to be you!” they’d retort.

I don’t know, I’m still pretty confused about a lot of things. I know I’m incredibly idealistic and I know my idealism will die down eventually once I enter the big scary world of corporate firms and the neverending cycle of materialistic culture of the working world. So I feel like I have to do something like this before I get swollen whole by the real world. Wait, what am I talking about? Teaching in high need schools IS the real world, and it’s probably more real than people would imagine it to be.

Favorite quote by Wendy Kopp, the founder of Teach for America:

We don’t need to wait to eliminate poverty to ensure all children have access to the kinds of education that will ultimately give them a way out of poverty.

IF we make the most of it, the students who overcome poverty to realize their full potential will grow up to become the most inspiring leaders the world has ever known, leaders who have the strength and character that come from succeeding in the face of extraordinary challenges and have the kind of education that will allow them to solve the other problems we face as a society.

We can enable children in urban and rural school to make history. The question is simply, whether we will.

I’m sorry this post has taken a more serious tone than I’d intended it to be, but the more I sit and think about what I want to do after I graduate, the more I know for sure what I do NOT want to do. I don’t want to be caught in the rat race, well not just yet at least, and I need to know I’m going back home for a reason.

Now, I just need to write a kickass application essay so I can fulfill that reason! and kickass essay will have to wait until tomorrow cause I’m dead tired now after finishing my incredibly tedious accounting exam T__T